money question ladies how whould you feel(honestly)and men would you ever ask this of your gf?

Question

my bf and i are to be married next yr.been together 4ys.me single never married,he divorced for 6yrs with one child.he has a huge(27k) debt from divorce ex really took him to the cleaners.he has asked me to help(payoff) with his debt.we both make about the same amount of money (65k yr)and spilt all the household bills but he has a huge child support payment and i don't.i know this sounds mean but i just feel since he CHOSE to have a child with a women he said he never really loved then HE should be the one who has to pay for his mistake.i told him no i wanted to save my money for retairment and he said ok but things are not the same between us now.i know he thinks i'm selfish but i just have a hard time paying of such a huge debt that was cuased by his exwife.please be honest with me im beggining to think i was wrong.

Answer 1

You are right - It's not your debt - So don't pay it off
and if he is acting different toward you now then hes not worth having, sounds to me he just wanted your money.
If you do get married to him tell him until HIS debt is payed off you will pay 1/2 the bills for YOUR home only and he can pay extra on his debt.
But keep putting money up for your retirement.

Oh just don't marry him till he has payed it off by his self

Answer 2

Ah money! The most common source of debates and fights amongst couples. It is no matter whether they have to much or too little, they are going to argue about money. and from my experience, money is also the prime cause of divorce.

That said, I tend to agree with your take on things. He made the bed thus he needs to lie in it. However, you might want to check the marital property laws in your area to see how things woudl go if you marry him then you two divorce. Also, check to see what your potential liability might be for his debts. After reading those, you might well decide it is time for that money fight now rather than getting married first. In jurisdictions with equal division of property it may well be he gets half your retirement savings and you get half his debt if you divorce later.

Professionally, I always recommend that two people who want to become a couple set out the ground rules for who owns what coming in, who pays what while together and who takes what when parting company. In this way, the rules are clear and you both know wher eyou stand financially. To do otherwise is leaving both people open to the whims, emotions and possible wrath of the other if things go sour. Not that one expects for things to separate, just tha tif they do, one is well advised to have treated the financial side of the relationship as a business partnership.

Yes, I know people get all emotional when pre-marriage agreements are suggested but fact is, if it is written down then it elliminates one major area of arguments later. And dealign with money in a businesslike manner does nto indicate the amount of love; only good common sense if one knows that close to half of marriages lead to divorce.

Answer 3

First, I have to say i do understand how this must make you feel. It must be horrible to have to pay your future husbands exwife so much cash for nothing you had to do with. But since this is a man that you love enough to marry I would say that you should help out some. Maybe not as much as he would like, but you should help some. After you become married it makes y'all united as one. This means his problems are yours and yours are his. You should share everything, unfortunately even the debts. He did make a mistake, but we all do. Just think, you are going to be this childs step mother. You shouldn't let something as evil as money cause problems between you and the person you love.

Answer 4

Why not do this, dump him, keep your income. My goodness I mean he "chose" to have a child with his ex (without consulting you even, the nerve!) Are you so desperate that you have to take another woman's sloppy seconds?

I doubt he racked up that debt alone and as for her taking him to the cleaners, you're only getting one side of the story.

You're behaving foolishly, when you marry someone, THEIR problems become YOUR problems, obviously you are not ready for that kind of commitment and if you're complaining about something so simple like helping your man pay off his debt than you are not ready for the long haul and for what the real meaning of marriage is.

Then again, maybe he is a moocher who only sees dollar signs when he looks at you. Ever wonder why they got divorced?

Answer 5

Once you're married, won't his debt legally be your debt too? So what's the difference if you start helping him pay now or a year from now? The debt payments are gonna come from somewhere - either your paycheck or his. Either way, it'll affect you once you're married. And anyway, shouldn't you be willing, if not glad to help support your future stepchild!? Stop being selfish. And out of curiosity, what is it that you do to earn 65K and aren't even able to compose a simple sentence structure?

Answer 6

Are you wrong for this no...Its easy for him to feel somewhat betrayed by this but problems in the past that are his or yours should have been resolved by that particular person issues that arrive when you two are together thats when you both work with one another. I tell him the truth in which you have already about this and stop feeling guilty.....together or not that money is yours
theres no guarantee you'll be married forever........so dont feel selfish by taking care of uno first.

Answer 7

He isn't a man if he can't pay his own child support payment and expects his girl friend to help him out. If he can't hang with it then he needs to get a part time job. But the last thing he needs to do is go crying to his girl friend for money. No you did the right thing and he should respect you for wanting to save up for your retirement and he shouldn't feel bad for your decision. If he loosk at you different then tough sh*t for him and you might want to think of finding a guy that is more self supporting of himself.

Answer 8

I think he should pay the child support or any past obligations,But now that you two are getting married you should help with the bills you two accumulate with each other.But what ever you decide except the child without the debt problem.

Answer 9

That's a really tough one. It always throws a kink into things when there are previous marriages involved, but the point of being married is to face the world together. Would you feel differently if it were a medical bill? How do you feel about him being a father already? Etc., there's lots of things that may affect judgment. Make sure it's not jealousy motivating your decision

Answer 10

No, no, no! HIs debt is HIS debt and it's BS asking you to help pay for it. Don't do it! I had an ex-bf that wanted my help and he blamed a lot of the debt on his ex (he'd adopted her brat from a prior marriage) but, truth was, he was incompetent with money. He was really good at spending it, especially if it wasn't his, but wasn't good at earning or saving. Get out of this relationship because he's the selfish one.