2 arrange marriages, will he judge me???

Question

I am a Pakistani American; I have been raised and brought up in the states. I was never born in Pakistan. I am an only daughter w/two brothers. I have had 2 arranged marriages that ended up in a divorce. My first husband was a psychotic, possessive, abusive person. I was married roughly for about 31/2 years, the end result I have a daughter with him (which he has never seen once). He was deported back to Pakistan when I was expecting (I was 22 yrs old). I stayed single for about 3 years after my first marriage fell apart. My parents received another marriage proposal for me, this guy was completely single but needed a green card and manipulated my folks for my hand (so in short he took advantage of my situation), as soon as I figured him out (we totally slept in separate rooms). I cancelled his INS paperwork, shortly after he disappeared on me. Its not the case, that I cant get a guy on my own, I am not awful looking (I always get hits from guys) – it was just that I was a good daughter to my parents and felt obligated to fulfill their wishes. Now, I just turned 28 a couple weeks ago, and feel that I should have the remote control of my life from now on and forever. I am single and dating someone for the past 2 months, which who is Pakistani (born and raised here) he is divorced also w/3 children (he has joint custody). When we both met, we decided not to speak of our past at all (it was his choice to decide this, he wanted to get to know me for who I am, without making any judgments of the past). For the past couple of weeks, he has been opening up about his past marriage, on why it failed. He has been noticing that I have been really quiet for some weeks, he has sensed that something is really bothering me, that I am keeping from him. Just last night, I told him about my 2nd arrange marriage, explained to him that it was more of a contract marriage. He listened, and said that he was hurt, that I didn’t tell him sooner. Not, the fact that I had an 2nd marriage, but, didn’t open this up to him, coz we spoke about everything that has happened in our lives. He said that he loves me, and what am I gonna do – if I have a third marriage….I told him, it will be totally on my decision, no more arrange marriages….he was just hurt, that I kept this from him for this long……what do u think is goin thru his mind?? PLEASE HELP

Answer 1

He probably wants to share your feelings and share your pain from your past experiences and comfort you. If he really truely loves you, he just wants to know where you are coming from and where you have been. To truly know a person inside and out, you have to know their past, their faults, their mistakes, and love them no matter what. He is probably just sad that you have never opened up with him before about that. Whenever it feels right to you, you should sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with him and get to know each other's past so you can love each other no matter what has happened.

Answer 2

He feels you were a little deceitful. Are you sure at only 28 years old, you want a divorced man with 3 kids? You've only known him 60 days, so it's possible he's not a match for you. It's much too soon to be talking about love.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't let him judge you. The past is over and you didn't harm anyone. If he can't accept it, he should look in the mirror--- at least you didn't bring 3 kids into the world and destroy their family like he did.

Answer 3

Dear I can feel you pain. If he hurt from your 2nd marriage how he will respect you in long run. If I were you I will date him little longer and make everything clear. Read his mind when you ask him a question. You could ask anything. For instance if you want to ask anything about you, tell your friend was in that situation and what he feels like about that and how he could resole it. Most Asian male mind changes suddenly after they get married. They think the woman is their property not partner.
I know this problem may also be a part of culture difference.
Once both of you have no doubts on your mind. Ask your man to go to your parents for you.
Good Luck

Answer 4

Since you have a child, I assume he has some clue that you had a previous relationship. And if he's divorced too, it would seem he'd realize that even Pakistani relationships can go wrong. If he's a decent, reasonable guy, he won't judge you badly because of your situation. And you obviously spoke SOME of his past, since you know of his divorce and joint custody of his daughters. Tell him you feel that you've known each other long enough that he needs to know of your past, then tell him the situation. Good luck.

Answer 5

well im certainly not a mind reader,,he also has to open up tp you also,,im sure if he has a love for u in his heart he will let u know how he feels and forgive,,he did say he wanted to keep the past in the past,,his choice,,but may be its time for both of u to let the past out face it,,becuz it could come up later and another divorse..i think both of u should have more communication.let out feelings more cuz its what u are as a person,,the past does make some what of our personality

Answer 6

He probably wonders what else you haven't told him. I understand that you both agreed not to speak of your pasts, however, I think I would have had to say, I just have to tell you this one thing about my past that I think is pretty important that you should know. This was on your shoulders to tell him, you dropped the ball, hopefully he can forgive you and move on. Best wishes.

Answer 7

he might be hurt but u knoe what he loves u and trust's you and he is goin to stick by ur side...he was just shocked dont worry about it and you knoe what control your life your from the states and u knoe women are just as go0d as men so if ur family does not accept you then they are wrong well dont worry about it you'll be ok and this guy wont leave u go0d luck honey

Answer 8

He might be a little confused on what marriage means to you, and he wants to make a omitment but is too scared

Answer 9

well may be he thinks this one will fail also. Well hope fully i am totaly wrong there forgive me. But remember this is you life u must decied where when who and how to run it. Give it time

Answer 10

don't worry, if he truely loves you then it won't matter. he should be glad that you did tell him about it. and talk to your parentas about having control over your own life. everyone needs their own time to "heal" from their past. just tell him that the reason why you didn't tell him right away was because you weren't ready to tell him. he should understand