My husband won't discipline his kids, but will mine...Help! I don't want to be the evil step-mother!!!!!

Question

My husband has 2 kids from his 1st marriage,I have 1,& we have 1 together.He sets rules for all of the kids, but only follows through w/ mine.I want all the kids treated equally!His kids are only w/ us 3-4 days a week, but they're about to come live w/ us full time.My husband travels a lot & I'm concerned what will happen when he's gone.All of the kids have chores, even my 4yr old.But his 13 & 10yr old are never made to do theirs.He tells them to clean their room, bring out their laundry, etc but then never checks to see that it's done....it's not!Same w/ homework & even showering.Part of me says it's not my place to follow through w/ his rules w/ his kids, but the mother in me doesn't want to ignore it & have them grow up thinking laziness & dirtiness is OK. They think b/c at their mothers house they can stay out w/ friends until 9pm on a school night & have no chores that it should be the same at our house. My husband doesn't see the problem & blames it all on teenage stuff HELP ME

Answer 1

I feel for you. My stepdaughter moved in with us 2 years ago and it was a hard transition. Her mother had never been at home so she had been stuck pretty much raising herself from the age of 10-12, and you can only imagine the kind of trouble she got into.

When she would come stay with us during the summer (before moving in), my husband wouldn't discipline her either because he wanted her time with us to be all fun, no problems. Well, when she moved in at the age of 12, that changed and she was assigned chores. She balked for awhile but things eventually smoothed out but I am generally the one who has to keep up with her chores and discipline. I know it's not easy and you're going to have some rough patches but if the kids know you respect them and they respect you, things should smooth out. You need to do what you need to do to maintain your household. Tell you husband how you're feeling but don't be afraid to treat everyone equally. As for being the evil step-mother, trust me, you will feel that way sometimes and the kids will feel that way about you sometimes but if you have a good relationship, they'll get over it. It's normal. Treating the kids the same as one another when it comes to discipline and chores is necessary.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I am feeling your pain. I think what you need to do at this point is to have a complete family meeting. That is with your husband,all of the children and yourself. You need to sit down and write out what it is that you will except in your home and what you will not tolerate in your home. First take it to your husband so that he can stand behind you on your list of Behavior Modifications. Because if he does not agree, the children will know that they can play you and the husband against each other. So, he has to strongly agree with your list. It may sound childish but from experiences in my mixed marriage, I found that people pay more attention when you write or type out issues and allow them to see what the consequences are when rules are not followed. If this does not work then I would suggest that the whole family seek some family counsel ling especially from the church pastor.
I would not allow the older children to move into the house if they can not be disciplined by both you and their father. It is most important for them to cooperate with your home policies. They are seting the example for your little one to follow. Keep praying to GOD and he will work it out.









behavior modification

Answer 3

You and your husband need to sit down and discuss the issues at hand. He needs to understand your concerns and worries. You both need to treat the children all the same. If he is not willing to step up to plate and back you then it's the same as him saying that you don't count. If he's not willing to follow thru with all the kids then he is sending them the message that they can do what they like. This is and will continue to be a problem. It can even eventually rip your family apart. You and your husband need to come up with a game plan when it comes to disapline and rules. You both need to compromise and back each other at all times to let your children know that you are a team and both equally important. Everyone needs to know the rules of the house and follow them.

Answer 4

my step father was like that with us. His only child was the baby in the house. My mom had four other children. He was overly strict with us, and whenever his son did something wrong, one of the rest of us was blamed for it. Now my little brother thinks he can get away with everything, with little or no consequence. He has no respect for rules/laws, and has his daddy bail him out of trouble whenever it comes along. You need to sit down with your husband, and tell him that if his children are going to come live with you full time, they need to know the ground rules from the get go. Make a poster with house rules if need be, when rules are broken, take action. Whether grounding them, giving them extra chores, or whatever you feel is appropriate, they need to learn bopundaries before they reach adulthood. Good luck

Answer 5

Since your husband travels alot maybe he's trying not to be too hard on them when he's around. Poor excuse but I know the guilt one sometimes feel when u know u r not spending enouh time with your kids.

Maybe the best option is to have a talk with your husband in which you don't acuse if of anything just explain how you feel about his behaviour of dealing with the children unequally. Try to come up with a plan of action to correct this.

Family counselling is another option. Sometimes kids act up aa a way of dealing with the new situation. Maybe its just taking a while for them to adjust.

GOOD LUCK

Answer 6

You are going to have to sit down and have a serious talk with your husband because not only will his children be affected but so will yours! If he decides to ignore you and not follow through you will have no choice but to take charge even if you will be seen as the wicked step mother, they will thank you in the long run and realize you were only doing it for their well being.

Answer 7

It all depends on if you want to be their friend or their parent. Children need rules and parents who stick to them. I was in the same situation at one point, and it pays to talk with your husband and then the kids with your husband there at the same time.

Set your expectations and stick to them. Discipline them when they break the rules and reward them when they do good.

Let the kids know their punishment in advance and let them know that when they are punished, it is their fault, you are just following the rules you set in advance.

Answer 8

Are you not a couple - his kids are yours - and when under your roof abide by your rules. There is not one rule for one and not the other. Have you tried talking with your husband? Have you told him how you feel. Kids do need discipline and rules so make sure he carries them through.

Answer 9

Have you ever thought of family counceling, or maybe marriage councelng for you two. That would have to put such a strain on your marriage. I hope everything works out. Sorry I have never been through it, so I dont know any really great answers

Answer 10

Talk with your husband about it.

I dont blame you for wanting to put your foot down with his kids.

Not only is this going to cause problems between you and his kids but also with your marriage.