Am I the only one that thinks that we should get off our high horses and tell each other what we really think?

Question

How do I know how to improve myself if no one will tell me what they think of me?

Do you follow the belief that we should accept people for who they are, or do you tell people what you think? Why? Is it wrong for us to try to help people become better people by telling them that we have a problem with them? Is it better to just remove those people from our lives? Or do you just choke it up?

I'm trying to get a consensus about the etiquette of criticism and this "be yourself" moral code. What other options are there?

I'm talking about the real world, not on Yahoo Answers.

In this modern individualistic world, the moral code says "be yourself." We use that as an excuse to stagnate, to not grow, to not improve. We say, "if you have a problem with me, then it's YOUR problem." But chances are, if someone has a problem with you, other people have that same problem with you. When does it stop being THEIR problem and start being YOUR problem?

Answer 1

You can accept people but still let them know if something bothers you about them. There is nothing wrong with asking somebody to please not do behavior x while you are around or bring up a certain topic of conversation, as long as you are nice about it. No yelling, being overly critical or outright nasty. And certainly, don't make fun of the person or put them down.
We all have bad habits, idiosyncrasies and other things that drive people crazy. If you know you have an irritating quirk you can try your best to not act that way in public, for the courtesy of others, and you will also make more friends if you act more appropriately. It would not be in someone's best interest to ignore something like this, or to just brush them off without telling them why.
when you have to talk to someone about an unpleasant thing they are doing or something you just can't stand, you need to do it in private. People appreciate knowing the truth (even if they are embarrassed to death about it at the time) because it will help them in the long run. People also appreciate if you are discreet about it and don't draw attention to it.

Answer 2

There are a lot of thin-skinned folks on Yahoo Answers. That's why you see watered down responses. If you had your own blog you could express yourself more freely. I regards to criticizing others it has its good points and bad points. If you are really trying to help somebody, then fine. But if you are just being a judgmental windbag that doesn't help anyone. As a general rule I don't offer criticism unless it is asked for. In a lot of people's minds "telling someone what they think" is the equivalent of insulting them. So I guess you would have to be the judge of your own responses in that regard. Be honest - just don't do it in an insulting way.

Answer 3

I think the best thing that we can do is find ways of reminding the people in our lives that they are not stuck being one way in order to be loved and accepted by us. We have to show themwe will not flee someones side whenever they are making or going through changes, and that being themself simply means continuing to make fresh and relevant decisions in the face of lifes hurdles.

You cant throw a seed at the ground and tell it to grow. it must be planted nourished and supported. I think if you want to tell people that they have the potential to grow and change they want to know that it is coming from the right place.
I know sometimes it feels like we have to get a sort of unspoken permission from people before telling them what we really think.
I think the reason is that change is so difficult and alienating and sometimes when people suggest it it is hurtful because we want them to love us as we are. But to love someone as they are dealing with internal and extrenal changes is the only true way to do that.

The best thing to do if you are the kind of person who wants the people in your life to thrive and not BS themselves and stay stuck in no win situations is to earn your permission by being a decent friend.

Answer 4

Hi Alex, there's a whole lot to answer, but here goes:

The biggest problems come up when:

1. We get all hung up about what other people think about us,

and

2. We try to control other people by passing judgment on them.

I don't think it's helping someone to tell them I have a problem with them. If I have a problem with someone, then that's *my* problem (not their's). It just means I should look elsewhere for friends, or get over it. I should find people who feel good to me as they are.

There are so many people in this world that if I can't find some that I like being with (without trying to change them), then I'm not looking very hard. If I choose to focus on people's flaws, or get all judgmental about them, I'm really only making my own life more difficult.

So.... If you were my friend, I don't think I'd be "helping you to improve" by being judgmental, or trying to change who you are. I can't tell from your question if you're asking if it's okay to try to correct someone else, or if you're wanting other people to try to correct you. Either way, I think it's backwards. If you don't like someone you're hanging with, find someone else to hang with. It's really that simple.

Being judgmental and trying to control other people drives you nuts. Worrying about what other people think about you also drives you nuts. So, why do either one?

Answer 5

You pose a rather interesting question.
I think that we should tell other people what we think, but when we should never be rude.
I don't mind people critisising constructively but I very much don't like it when people just say things like 'you're stupid' and such.
The 'be yourself' moral code? Well, one is always oneself, even when one is acting. You're still there. I think that it has given rise to some rudeness though in our society because people took it as 'be impolite and disrespect people, hey, it's who you are' kind of thing.

Answer 6

I totally agree with you. Why should we have to walk on egg shell around certain people and not be able to express our opinion? I have a friend who is like this you have to pacifier your responses to her because she the type that can't accept the truth (but she always asks) she would rather have you not say what you feel but what she thinks is right. I guess its fair to say that some people can't handle the truth.

Answer 7

My opinion on this is, why will we tell our loved ones what we think, without sugarcoating it, yet we are afraid to tell stranges or our friends the same thing? In no way should we be hatefull, but I believe if we approached our friends and strangers, like we approach our loved ones, I think there would be alot less strife and pent up anger hanging around.

Answer 8

I think it's fine if you want people to be honest with you. You can just ask them and I'm sure they'll tell you. However, to tell someone what you think of them can be rude. Who wants to be told that they know better than them?? If I don't know the person, I just accept them for their quirks. I don't have the right to judge or criticize them cuz we all got issues of our own and we don't know them all that well. I think it's more important to be accepting of others, than trying to correct other people. Someone who is quick to judge tells you something about your own character, You may be insecure yourself.

Answer 9

Trust no one!! I do accept people for who they are because I nor anyone else can change them. However i do tell people what I think because if they are my friends they would expect nothing less of me. People who are your friends are just that regardless of what you say, always be hoenst with yourself and others...you will earn respect that way and find out who your real friends are.

Answer 10

I would say, simply treat others the way you yourself would wish to be treated.

For example, if you had just had your hair cut and you thought it looked cool when in fact everyone else's opinion differed coz it just didn't suit you, would you rather some one say to you "Oh my good God, who the hell cut your hair, you should sue" or "Oh I see you had your hair cut. It's not really a style that suits you. It might look better....."

You don't have to be rude to tell people the truth.