How can I help my 11 year old son break from the wrong crowd and stop him being in trouble.?

Question

We're a very close family, me my husband, son & daughter. My 11 yr old son started high school in September, it took a while for him to settle down. He's a good kid, lots of friends, very likeable, just a little gobby & loud, but a typical lad.

He's got himself into trouble at school, truanting from class & hanging with the wrong crowd. We had a talk last night as his Head rang me to say he had been caught out of school. My son said he is selling cigarettes, but he is not smoking.

This has really upset me & my husband as he's the most anti-smoking kid I know, he even makes comments to pregnant women that they are killing their unborn babies. He got beat up a bit the other day by the same kid he's still hanging about with.

He told me everything, but he's off school today, scared of being bullied if he tells the lads he no longer wants to sell them. He looks so scared and this is so unlike him. I'm seeing the Head today. Has anyone else had a similar problem??

Answer 1

This is a touchy subject. In my opinion, it sounds like there is a lot bullying going on. Your boy is at a very impressionable age and looking for guidance through his peers for acceptance. He sounds like an well informed caring young man. He needs to develop some thicker skin. How to tell you to aid him is hard to say. Yes, I think, perhaps a different social atmosphere could help like a club, sports, music, or art. As someone mentioned earlier, mentor programs are great. What you need to solve is WHY your young man chooses to follow instead of lead. I believe you need to focus on him, spend time with him, talk with him as a friend as well as a mom. Gain his confidence, by allowing him to tell you without fear of repercussions to his past illegal actions and/or just actions he knows you deem wrong. After he knows, you won't lecture him, and he confides in you, both of you work together to formulate a plan of action to aid him. He knows what he needs to make him feel safe and loved. This way, you will know for sure what you can do to help him. Good Luck

Answer 2

The First thing is that it appears that your son is not really happy with the group of "friends" that he has but more like he has been forced to do what he has been doing - so the benefit of the doubt goes to him at least he has admited the issue.
the second thing is that the school now has a responsibility of resolving the Bullying issue within their ground
Third your son needs to get back to school - ask the headteacher if is possible to move classes so that he is not constantly in the presence of these people
Also ask the Headteacher if there is a Buddy system in school - if not ask headteacher if they could nominate someone from older classes to act as a buddy/ Mentor at least until your son finds other activities that he is happy with.
Then i would definately enrol him on a self defence/ martial arts or as soon as he is 13 Air training Corps course to give him confidence and discipline.
My son had issues when he 1st went to high school - he was very small for his age but the school was really brilliant - working with buddy's (and even the police when the bullying didn't stop) - he is now in year 10, is the "coolest" skater in town and the coolest musician - he is still short for his age but now he has a "fan club" the bullies now can't touch him and have actually become part of his circle of friends - as he said they were people that did not understand how their actions hurt - they did not know how to make friends and forced people to do what they wanted - The school, together with parents and local Police showed these kids just how they were affecting other people and how they would be affected if they did not stop! Good Luck!

Answer 3

You state that your son doesn't seem to understand when you do something wrong there are consequenses that have to be paid but I TOTALLY DISAGREE with you. On the contrary, it sounds as if your son is very smart and very understanding. There appears to be a problem at school. It doesn't sound like bordom, that usually is seen more as a "class clown" kind of behavior but could possibly be peer pressure. These days, peer pressure can be a major problem that youngsters have a hard time dealing with and/or even sharing with their parents. Often, being accepted as "one of the bunch" is worth the price that one pays for doing something wrong especially when the price is not that dear. While I hope that you find the root problem to your son's attitude and behavior at school (addressing that would be the best solution) for now try making the price for bad behavior higher than it has been so that he's not as willing to do these things. Just remember that Mothers often lose the respect of their boys by giving too many orders and then caving in when a boy is unwilling to cooperate. Mothers tend to use upset emotions or long lectures to control boys. This common mistake will quickly cause a boy to disconnect from her, and she will have even less control. Set the limits, then stick to your guns. If he continues, make the price stiffer. Good Luck!!! It sounds as though you've instilled some great qualities in your son as you said he is not like this at home.

Answer 4

I know how you feel hun,my 11 year old son started secondary school in september & has had nothing but trouble,I however have had no feedback or anything from the school,dispite having 2 meetings with them,they just seem happy to let kids get away with everything & accept no responsibilty for what has happened.I have mine at home all week,left messages for his head of year & still nothing!! grrrrrr.I want my son changed to another class as his is full of idiots who muck about & pick on him every lesson,he cant do his work & feels sick at the thought of school.
Good luck with the head,I hope you get this resolved,but it sounds like these other lads wont give up easily & may turn on your son now,all you can do is tell him to tell you everything that happens & make sure these other boys aren't allowed to get away with anything.my boy got stabbed with a pen in the back & nothing was done,the school didnt even tell the other boys mum or punish the kid,he denied it & that was that & I had a photo on my mobile of the injury but the head of year didnt even want to see it.he said if I want something done to go to the police,can you believe this is what it has come to,schools not allowed to punish the kids when they are bad or seems so to me.
good luck & all the best for your son.

Answer 5

Well the best way is to talk to him about his behavior, 11 is old enough for him to understand the word no ( but you need to enforce it) if he don't like that word (no) well show him the other word (@$$ whoopin) I don't know how your kids can hang with the wrong crowd, is there no curfew? maybe lay off the video games be more strict it will help in the long run. I have a 13 yr old son and he knows better. I can be a friend but above all I AM HIS MOTHER . BOSS tighten your belt and make him understand who brings home the bacon.

Answer 6

I feel for you, its so hard, that transition into secondary school, they meet so many new kids. What I told my daughter when she started was keep a wide range of friends so when 1 group alienated her she could still have others she could go around with, its worked for her, she's now in year 11 and has many friends, a few which are closer than others but still a wide range.

He needs to get back in school quickly as the wrong crowd will jump on the fact that he is scared of them. He needs to slowly wean himself away from them, eg: at break or whenever he could tell them he has extra school work to do as his mom is on his case!

Get him into other after school activities, sports, self defence etc which should takeup a fair bit of his time and also allows him to meet new friends.

Good luck

Answer 7

Get him out of that school. Tell him to say that he's moving to Ireland. Then tell him to tell the teachers that he was being bullied, you must say this right before he leaves. Then the bullies will get in trouble and your son won't be involved in all of that shiz.

Answer 8

I too face the similar problem. What I do is to keep him occupied all the time whithout his knowledge. For example classes, Exhibitions, Sport events.

Meantime I will about other bad peoples and their bad habits.This is in some form of critisicing the bad fellows. Then he will try to understand what realy his parents wishes. But this exercise will take a long tine.

Answer 9

definately. a mentor program would be helpful. sounds like your son is a good kid, he's just been misled and now he's scared to do the right thing (which is understandable) it's harder to get out of bad company than to get into it. i agree, you should look into a mentoring program, and keep being supportive of your son. you can't have control over everything he does, but at least you can lead him down the right path, and hope he stays down that path :) i know if it wasn't for my mothers love and guidance, i wouldn't have woken up to some of the mistakes i've made.

Answer 10

I am a single mother of three and one of them is a 12 year old son that sounds alot like your son. I have a great relationship with my children, I always talk to them and I am very involved in everything they are involved in(including their friends)......in today's society, you have to get more involved and meet those kids that he is hanging out with.....let them know that your son isn't gonna be involved in bad choices...

I always remind my kids that life is full of choices and the choices they make will reflect on them, but also mom......you are the mom and you need to let him know that you can and WILL make choices for him before you watch him get in too much trouble....I have learned.......kids in general, enjoy us getting onto them....it shows we care.....so my advice to you.......is invite these boys over and meet them and let them know while they are at your home, that you will not tolerate certain things and be firm....that way you are showing your son that you are giving his friends a chance and he will listen to what you have to say.......TALK TO YOUR KIDS is my motto.......hope I was some help to you.....Good Luck!!

Angel