Is it wrong that I cannot stand having people other than my husband or myself in my kitchen?

Question

I will admit I can be overly touchy about my personal space and events I am planning. And bc I am such a planner, I am also controlling. But, when we invited my in-laws over for Thanksgiving this year, why did they put up a fight when we declined their offer to bring something? "But that's the way you're supposed to do it." Look; I put a lot of thought into entertaining, and I'd rather not have all the dishes I prepared undermined bc they'd rather eat their own cooking! Never once have we been asked to bring a dish to a dinner at any one of their family's homes, but now we are hosting and they act like we're still kids and can't make our own traditions. My MIL presumed she was going to do a bunch of cooking (we are paying to fly her in from out of town). Her words were, "I will, of course, want to cook a few things." And then went on to tell us what we'd be eating! Huh? I don't resent the offer; I resent the presumptuousness and pushiness! Am I wrong? We're only feeding 5...

Answer 1

There's nothing wrong with this feeling of possessiveness. All said and done it is your kitchen and you get to decide

Answer 2

Well, I feel exactly the same: I hate being overlooked when I'm cooking and sometimes - if there's hot fat or liquid about - I feel it's dangerous. My own mother used to drive me bananas by positioning her chair so that I'd have to ask her to move whenever I took something out of the oven; when I moved the chair, she moved it back. I eventually resorted to setting up a system with a child-gate across the kitchen door, but my house is such that people can still move around it without coming through the kitchen.

So the problem is really about how you tell her that you'd like to be alone in the kitchen when preparing meals. It's best if you can think of a reason that isn't personal - like calling her an interfering old biddy, however much you'd like to (!) - so can you take a good look round your kitchen and find a hazard or two that would be made worse by the presence of another person? For example, transporting hot fat or liquid; your glasses get steamed up and so you need to know where the clear surfaces are; if there are children around it should be even easier to find an excuse ... and then give her something to do instead, like setting the table (assuming it's in another room).

And you could actually let her bring a ready-prepared dish or two that will just need to be stuck in the fridge and come out at the right time; that would soothe her easily-bruised ego.

Hope that helps.

Answer 3

No you aren't wrong to feel like this, and I'm beginning to think that it could be a MIL thing. This is because my one does the same. Mine presumes that everything is going to go wrong and that we will not be able to cope, so to prevent this from happening she butts in.

However I found that what you need to do is be firm but be calm and when she says things such as I of course will want to bring or cook a few things, just say to her NO, I wouldn't dream of you doing such a thing, you are a guest in our home you do enough when you are at your own home, now is the time for you to relax and un-wind. Then add, besides which I've got my menu all planned and I have every thing under control. If you say something like this I found that it works well it has for me so far.

However if it doesn't work, the next time that you go over to her house (now I know that this is petty) but make sure that you take a dish, surprise her with it. And I'll tell you, if she anything like mine she will really appreciate it.

Also the other thing I have learnt is that Kitchens are just meeting places and they are the centre of the home, I find that I tend to talk to people in the kitchen just because it less formal and I don't know there is just a nice homely feeling about a kitchen

Answer 4

No! I totally agree with you! Last year we had Thanksgiving at my house and everyone (my husband's family) decided to arrive three hours early and instead of going into the living room and mingling, they all plopped down at the counter and table and WATCHED! It made me sooo self conscious, this was my first time cooking and I was already nervous...this was horrible, the whole time they were craning their necks, saying things like "why are you doing THAT?" and my MIL saying "that's not the way I do it" (good, b/c I don't like HER cooking!) And "Why are making that? No one eats that!" (so just because you've never had it, that means you won't like it?) I would never stand over her shoulder, in her own kitchen, and criticize, even though I have my own ideas about how things should be done (like NOT overcooking the turkey by 100 degrees so that it comes out as dry as old shoe leather...she actually asked me why I was checking the temperature of the turkey!) Well, anyway, by the time the food was on the table I felt so frustrated and unappreciated that I wanted to rub their faces in the mashed potatoes rather than serve them. What's was worse was that instead of letting the kids, who are old enough to serve themselves, pick what they wanted, they plated their food for them, saying "Oh no, they won't eat THAT!" But I felt the same way as you, I wanted to bring some of MY traditions from my family, and add a few of our own. But, you know, I bet this is a pretty typical experience for many "1st timers."
Oh, BTW, they INHALED the food,(despite having provided PLENTY of appetizers) so something must have been right, after all.
Hey, sorry I wrote so much, I guess I just really needed to get that out! LOL!

Answer 5

You already know you are controlling. I imagine mother-in-law is also trying to control, but I understand her view -- she wants the tradition upheld. If she's always served buttery carrots, darn it, she wants buttery carrots on the table, etc.

You have a choice about being a grown up and looking to the future right here. I understand about wanting to plan,etc. However, if you shut her out this time. what damage will it reap down the line? Will she be offended that you will have no relationship? Will she be so upset she doesn't want to visit you again next Thanksgiving?

You need to be an adult in this and give up some of the control. Yes, allow her to help with the planning. Let her be in the kitchen for a bit, but keep making her tea and coffee and have her sit down. Appease her and ask her to just oversee or give her advice on the buttery carrots (this is just an example).

If not, be prepared to be labeled as the pushy Daughter in law, the one who ignores tradition, who doesn't want any help, the one who wants all the control. It's not worth it.

Answer 6

I had a MIL who insisted on bringing food also, she opened many cans of different things (one can each, so not enough to actually serve to a large group). Her little last minute additions took up half the buffet table (I usually had about 40 people and I did all the cooking). I see your point.
My question is, why in the world did you invite them?? You said in another question that you hate going to in-laws. Back away from his family, eat in restaurants, even if you go to a cheap place when they are around. Hope they aren't staying at your house, too!!

Answer 7

Sounds like your man married someone just like his mother. Let mom be mom and you be you. Thanksgiving is a time to share and be thankful. You can lose the whole specialness of your family time by quibbling over who can't do what. Let your heart be enlarged to receive all that your mother in law wants to give. This is not the time to hone in on doing things your way. It won't be fun, I promise you. It's a time to let love enter the planned occasion. This special time is not for you, it's for the family and you could give the family a special gift of appreciating the moment and the real meaning of Thanksgiving.

Answer 8

I am like that,but I do have guests that want to cook something,I stay out the kitchen and tell them to clean up their mess.It's only once a year.they just want to feel useful.they may be use to cooking thanksgiving dinners.I never had to cook thanksgiving dinners,my mother have did it all my life.she just moved out of town.My 3 kids and I have been invited to 4 dinners.I am gonna volunteer to cook something in their kitchen.they may not want to let me but they will give in to make me feel better about being there.

Answer 9

It seems that some sort of presure has forced you to this situation.

Be patient and time will answer her. Do not go behind procession but to wait in a side and watch. Then you can see better.

Answer 10

I also don't like anyone in my kitchen, but i hate cooking more so if I was in ur place i'd accept the offer