I will be the first to admit that I love to plan and I am the controlling type. And I feel a little out of place with my in-laws around the holidays. For one thing, when we are at Grandma's house, one of her kids will do the dishes and at least one will make comments that my husband or I should do them next time. Um...look, I know lots of families work this way and I am probably the odd one out...but I refuse to drive an hour to a dinner party or holiday meal or whatever, where I have been invited as a guest, and then do dishes in my nice clothes instead of socializing. I would never ask or allow guests to do dishes after dinner in my home; I find it in very bad taste. Why do people feel they can expect this? I don't feel I have to participate in what I consider to be very bad manners. The exception would be if I were vacationing at their home. Even then I don't ask my own guests to do so.
Am I being totally unfair?
2006-11-16 20:02:12 · 25 answers · asked by chelleedub 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Thanks for all the feedback! Updates: They don't treat us like family. The only ones from his family who came to our wedding were his parents. Not even a gift or phone call from them. No Christmas gifts for us last year; they invited us over and gave us nothing (we had thoughtful gifts for everyone). We go to Grandma's dinner parties to be polite, even though we hate being there. We always bring a gift. The older men are not asked to clean up; just my husband. And finally, his parents were extremely cruel to me for months and months when I first moved here with my then fiance, across the country, away from my family and friends. Not bc I was anything but kind to them, but bc they are abusive people and former substance/alcohol abusers. They've alpolgized for their ways and all, but please forgive me if I can't think of these people as family yet. Btw, I am feminist and I don't think the fact that I am female or the youngest (26 btw, not exactly a child) should have bearing.
2006-11-17 11:03:44 · update #1
Also, just so everyone knows, it's not that I'm afraid to get my hands dirty or that I care to socialize with these people; it's the principle of being treated like a maid in their home. (And I socialize so that I AM doing my part to add to the party. I have a wonderful personality, to those of you who didn't realize.)
2006-11-17 11:09:07 · update #2
In most cases I would agree. That rule doesn't apply when you are at a family members house. Whether you are close with them or not. A family gathering is an informal get together. Your mother- in- law went trough a lot of trouble. While it shouldn't be expected, it is rude for you not to at least offer to help. I ALWAYS offer to help at any party where the person is hosting at their home. Am I required to so? No. But as I said, it's the polite thing to do. If everyone chips in, it will take no time at all to do the dishes. If you are worried about messing up your clothes,wear an apron or stick to cleaning off the table or putting away the dishes after they have been washed or dried. Think of it as a polite gesture to thank her for being kind enough to invite you and going through the trouble to prepare your meal. Everybody hates to wash the dishes and everybody would rather be socializing in their nice clothes. If everyone helps then everyone can get back to the socializing.If you feel that put out about having to drive an hour to go, think of the way your mother in law feels after planning, shopping for, and cooking dinner for family members who are so selfish that can't be bothered to spend 20 minutes to help her clean up so she can rest her feet for a few moments. In the case of a family gathering, you are wrong. Sorry
2006-11-16 20:35:32 · answer #1 · answered by Michelle F 3 · 3⤊ 4⤋
Personally I don't think its appropriate to ask guests to help clean, but i suppose if its their house then they have their own rules.
And now that you know the rules, you can either abide by them or not come at all.
I don't EVER ask guests to clean dishes or pick stuff off the floor.
Seems a little short sighted. Maybe the person doesn't even clean their own house, why should they clean some one else's when they're a guest. If they wanted to clean up after a party, they could throw one at their own house.
It probably all comes down to their family structure and if thats how things get done then you're SOL.
Kids are always supposed to do the dishes anyway. Whats the point of having kids if they don't work around the house, those bloodsuckers. I don't know what that kid is whining about =/
2006-11-16 21:34:01 · answer #2 · answered by SN 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
You are being unfair.
If you were having the holiday dinner, they would help you clean with no questions asked.
What you fail to realize is that there is a difference in a family dinner and a guest/hostess dinner. The first everyone pitches in so everyone can enjoy the holiday. The second you are issuing specific invitations to be a GUEST in your house. You should care for your guests and not expect them to clean up.
You are stating you want your inlaws to treat you like a guest.
GET OVER IT! This is family. Pitch in and be a part of the family or get a divorce.
2006-11-17 03:28:50 · answer #3 · answered by momwithabat 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to learn something---a family holiday meal is not the same as you inviting some people to your home for a dinner party. Family get togethers are just that---FAMILY! And the younger ones should help with the cleanup.
Just what do you bring to these holiday meals besides yourself? Do you bring some of the food? Or do you just show up and expect to be waited on? It is a lot of work to prepare a big meal, and one person shouldn't be expected to do all of the cooking and the dishes, too.
Get off your high-horse, lady, and live in the real world. Personally, I wouldn't be unhappy if you stayed home. With your attitude, I can't imagine what you could possibly contribute to a family gathering that would be enjoyable.
2006-11-17 00:24:13 · answer #4 · answered by Cat Lover 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Are you being unfair? At these family functions you have a choice, you can either consider your self part of the family and pitch in and help, or if you don't consider your self part of the family you should tell these people that you consider your self as an invited guest. Then they have the option of inviting you to any other family get together. Any time you are a dinner guest at someones home, don't forget to bring a small gift for the host and hostess (wine, flowers, desert, etc...) and later send a thank you letter. This is proper etiquette for guest.
2006-11-16 23:21:23 · answer #5 · answered by Pamela B 1 · 2⤊ 2⤋
I don't consider myself a guest when going to a family members home. We all help clean up. At my in-laws, I always offer and try to help but am told to sit down, so I don't push the issue. Otherwise, I would be washing the dishes and cleaning up with the rest of them.
2006-11-17 06:20:08 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
That's a tough one because if you don't expect it from your guests then that's fair. Then there is the idea that you should want to help them as part of the family. They see it as - they cooked - you clean as a form of reciprocation for the fact that they prepared the meal. Both are legitimate.
2006-11-17 04:29:37 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, I totally agree with you. I will never expect my guests to wash the dishes.
If they can't do their own dishes, then don't invite guests over. Why should they get the credit for hosting a nice dinner while the guest has to bear the burden of washing after them? Aren't the gifts they bring along good enough. Why should guest who are all dressed up have to do the dirty job of washing? That is downright abuse!!!!
2006-11-17 02:49:55 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 3⤋
You know what their expectations are, if you're too fussy to wash a few plates, then the solution is simple: DON'T GO TO THEIR FREAKING PARTIES NEXT TIME. I honestly think you should do it out of respect, since they are your in-laws, even if you don't feel great doing it. It's not like it's going to kill you. Stop wearing nice clothes to see them so you won't complain about messing up your fine linens and bring gloves if you need to protect your nails. That or give them paper plates and plastic utensils as a present to use for their next dinner parties.
2006-11-17 00:13:26 · answer #9 · answered by the_memory_of_ashes 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
In our family, all the women helped clean up and do the dishes, at the holiday dinner. It was a time to socialize without the menfolk around. Daughters of a certain age started helping as soon as they no longer wanted to go outside and play, and could be trusted with the "good" china.
The men went to the TV room, to see the football game.
We all brought our aprons from home, so as not to ruin good holiday clothes. Comfortable shoes were brought out of bags.
those that were ill, or too old to help sat around the kitchen table, and talked with the dish doers.
Of course, at your house, do whatever you want. Ask for help at clean -up time, or not. But in others homes, it is nice to go by their rules. I do not think anyone means to be rude. It is just custom. And family.
Do what we do, take the ladies with you for a chat while you work. Bet they will think it is a lot better idea than watching the men fall asleep in front of the TV, LOL.
2006-11-16 20:22:39 · answer #10 · answered by riversconfluence 7 · 4⤊ 3⤋