am i right or wrong?

Question

ok my baby daddy broke my sons leg and shook him till he almost died
we went to court he lost custody and cannot lay eyes on my son till hes 18 hes 4 now and was 1 when this happend we havent seen the jerk for 3 yrs am i wrong to not let my son know who his dad is even through pics
the dad doesnt even seem to care he hasnt tried to keep in touch but the grandparents have
so i guess im asking am i wrong to not let my son even see pics of his biological dad
i was with another guy for the past 3 yrs and my son thinks he is his real dad

my son is severely physically dissabled at birth

Answer 1

no, i think you are doing the right thing. but, you should keep the pictures of his dad. so that when he is 18 and old enough to understand and make his own decisions, you can show him pictures of his father, so that he doesn't feel completely empty.

i am a single mother due to domestic violence.

Answer 2

I agree with the others that he too young right now, A. to know the truth, and B. to be anywhere around his real "father" (not that that guy is anywhere close to being a father). Later, when he's older, (and I would say NOT before 13 or 14, depending on his emotional maturity) you may want to tell him, but make sure he's ready, because you'll probably need to tell the whole story. If you tell him who his real father is, but not why he's not "involved" your son may resent you for "keeping" him from his dad, especially if you say something non-committal, like "We had problems." Maybe even waiting til he's 18, most people who adopt usually wait that long, because the kids are more emotionally mature by that age, plus he has to hear that his biological father almost killed him. NOT easy to hear, for anyone! But no, you are not wrong, this guy had his chance, and he nearly killed his own son, he doesn't get another until your son is old enough to make that call.

Answer 3

When he is older. I would talk to a mental health professional and child development specialist to get an idea when would be a good age.

But for now, he's had a traumatic enough start in life, I would suggest letting him rest in the security of the current situation before disturbing him too much with the news.

With one caveat, if he begins to ask. Do not lie to him. Keep the truth simple. Maybe say something like, "Your real daddy was not able to take care of us the way he should have been. So unfortunately, contact with him is not possible" Or something like that. You can give him the basics without going into the specifics of the trauma until he is older.

Answer 4

I didn't read what everybody else put, so if this sounds like what somebody else wrote sorry. I think that you shouldn't really address the issue until your son is old enough to ask. The guy that is there with him is his real dad. He may not be his biological father, but he is his dad. Speaking from experience (a friend, not me), someday when he gets old enough he will wonder why his last name is different especially if you and his dad have more children. When he does inquire this issue explain to him that his dad is his dad, but he has a different father. When my friend did this, her daughter was very smart and asked her dad if she could have his last name. Have you ever thought about adoption?? Maybe in the future you could. As for showing him pics, I would try and steer clear from that until he is old enough to understand and comprehend the situation a little more. I don't think my mom showed me pics of my father until I was a teenager, maybe younger, but deffinately not at age three. You don't want to confuse him. I hope this helps. I have a big heart for people with issues concerning fathers since I grew up without knowing mine.

Answer 5

No, you are not wrong.. not even in pictures let your son see him and when your son gets big enough you should tell him the truth of why you felt that keeping him away from his dad was and is the best choice you can ever make... the way you write that he did your baby I'm sorry but not even his parents would get to see him.. what kind of monster did they raised?? please keep him away and if you found someone that is good to your son and he wants to be a daddy well so be it.. but you are the mother the one who is by the laws of god and earth here to protect your child by all means.. and I think you are doing a great job.. trow this mans pictures away he is a criminal.God bless your son and your family good luck.

Answer 6

1. I think if the grandparents are wanting to have something to do with your son that your could give them a trial period - you shouldn't let them suffer for their son's idiotic actions. Thats if you think they are being sincere.

2. You shouldn't let your son think that this guy is his real dad UNLESS he is going to stick around for the long run because if he's not then it will be really messy and be quite confusing on such a young mind.

MY ADVICE: Tell your son the truth ASAP, let him see pictures of his dad. He will be fine, there are lots of kids out there with troubled fathers and they turn out fine, as long as he has stable male influence around him which it sounds he has had for the past 3 years there's no reason why he won't handle it

good luck

Answer 7

Hey Smurf - You seem like an intelligent woman, he hurt your son more than he will ever know let your son know when he's older what his father did to him and let him decide. My guess is that you just fell into an abusive relationship. That I am glad you and your son escaped. Lots of children grow up healthier not knowing until they are old enough to reason out what happened. Then my guess is if you can find the Dad let your son ask him WHY. Good Luck and I hope you are both in better health.

Answer 8

It is imperative to your son's mental development for him not to find out until he is older. If the person you have been with for three years is going to be a permanent figure in his life, then you should let him tell your son once he is old enough. Your son needs a constant idea of what a father is, right now. Don't confuse him at such a young age. Let him know what a father figure SHOULD be like by allowing him to have a constant father figure. He should know what a father SHOULD be before you tell him that his real father is what a father SHOULDN'T be. Let his mind establish good before bad.

Answer 9

I think it is wrong that you do not let your son know! OK so he calls this other guy dad! but you are lying to your son by not telling him! just let your son know that his real dad was a bad person and hurt him! and the police wont let him near him till he gets older! or wait till he finds out much later that YOU KEPT HIM FROM HIS DAD!!! and how could you!than you will lose all the trust that he had for you! in fact trow it out door! because he,ll always second guess you! i say start inviting the thought into his head now a keep doing it threw his child hood so than he,ll just know!

Answer 10

A similar thing happened to my daughter when she was 4. We have always talked about it. He lost his parental rights at that time. He beat her and his girlfriends son (who was the same age) and put them in the hospital during a visitation. I would wait until he is old enough to understand. Maybe around 13 or 14. My second (now ex) husband adopted her when she was 9 and she considers him her father. He is great with her. If he finds out from somewhere else that your boyfriend isn't his father he will get angry with you. And someone WILL tell him eventually, better it be you.

Answer 11

You are doing the right thing by looking after your son's best interests and keeping him safe. There is nothing that you should regret. If he ever asks then tell him the truth. You are a very good mother and don't blame yourself for that jerks mistakes. WHen your baby is old enough to confront his father then he will suffer, not you. Keep doing what you are doing and keep your head up. You are doing fine.