Why can't I love my children equally?

Question

I love my 2yr old daughter more than her 5yr old brother. She's a very affectionate child while my son is stubborn and downright naughty. Sometimes it gets to a point where I even feel I can hate him. Any advice on how I can change my feelings towards him. I feel like a horrible mother.

Answer 1

As long as you're able to feel horrible about this, you're not a bad mother, just a human-being. Also, I don't think you hate your son. You just hate the way he acts. And you're not alone. Most mothers have a soft spot for one of their children. Some children, like your son, make it extremely difficult to love them equally. The secret is to at least treat them equally.

It is possible that your son's behaviour is due to the fact that he feels left out and unloved. They are smarter than you feel. And children who feel neglected will, in stead of trying to be nice to get our attention, just be the opposite. Even negative attention is better than none. So I suggest you start ignoring his tantrums and consentrate on the more possitive aspects of his behaviour. If he does something cute or right, make af fuss of him. Hug him regularly, give him compliments and make a special time for just the two of you to play, talk or anything than could bring closeness. And you'll see, things will get better in time! Good luck.

Answer 2

First of all, realize that all of those answers to your question saying "you ARE a bad mom... Blah blah yadda yadda...." yeah. Those come from people without children. They don't have a clue, so you may feel free to ignore them completely.

Then realize that part of the reason your son acts out is that he sees you pay more attention (and more loving, quality attention) to your daughter than you do him.. so he acts out, trying to get some more of you for himself. He used to be your one and only, and when he was, I'll bet he was nicer, and easier to love! (you know what they say.. to a child, even negative attention is better than no attention.)

Remember to breathe deeply, try to remain patient with your son, and remember that your boy is, after all, a BOY.. as a general rule, they're more difficult to manage than girls. (and throughout their lifetimes, that doesn't really change, does it?) It's hard wired into their circuitry. If you ever feel like hurting him, take yourself a time out, call someone to talk you down, and find a good therapist, maybe a family counselor. Find ways to enhance the quality of the time you do spend with your son. Remember that he's not an adult, with adult feelings and abilities to deal with emotional issues.. he's a kid, and he needs you. He needs you to love him, truly, fully, and unconditionally. He tests that love with his behavior.

Your feelings are normal for a Mom, no matter what the childless know it alls say. It doesn't mean that you are horrible, it doesn't mean that you really DO hate your child. Just that sometimes... grrr. Every parent has been there, probably more than once. Anyone that says they've never felt frustrated as a parent is glossing it over for you, or their kids are grown, so the parents only remember the good times.

Hang in there. That's my best advice.

Answer 3

It sounds like you love them both, but don't like your son because he's going through growing pains that you're uncomfortable with. Ask yourself, "Would it be the other way around, if I had the girl first?" He may be stubborn and naughty because he's jealous of the affection he sees removed from him and bestowed on your daughter. It's a common way that children (and some adults) behave in order to get someones attention.
Attention, to a child, doesn't always have to be in the form of praise. If he's causing you to pay attention to him, he knows that you're NOT paying attention to your daughter, and he's won a small battle, but because of his age, doesn't understand that it's not the right way to get your attention. Try spending some time with him and him alone, away from your daughter. A walk through the mall, or an activity, that only you and he do, and don't let your daughter interrupt or cause you to defer attention from him. Given a little time, i think you'll see that he'll settle down.

Answer 4

YOU ARE NOT HORRIBLE!!!!

You are human.

Of course you are going to love different things about both your kids. I dare say if your 2 yr old starts to get the naughty phase going your son might not look so bad.

I went through similar circumstances because my older son looks very much like his dad (my ex who I can't stand). I found with him, that I had to make connections with him... I started him on trading cards and I found we could talk about those because it wasn't an emotionally loaded conversation. I also started taking him for "coffee" and we would chat about what was in the magazines there. Engaging him in things that arent about chores or discipline helped alot and meant that I could love him.. in his own ways.

Something else to remember about a strongwilled child is at least he will never be a doormat in life. You can love that about him.

Answer 5

i know for me i have days when all or 1 or 2 of my kids are driving me nuts. and i also feel that at certain times i am a little harder on my oldest because i expect more from her simply because she's the oldest. that makes me feel bad, i know that's not fair, but at the same time i cannot allow the "cute things" she did at 2 to be acceptable at 4. and now as my daughter gets older and more into school....she sometimes gets more snotty, annoying, picking up bad habits....etc. she isn't always a pleasure to be around. which makes things harder. but now--my 2.5 yr old son is entering a terrible stage. i think you just need to stay on top of his stubborness, pay more attention to him...be affectionate to him, treat them equally--learn how to love him his way. also personalities just sometimes clash. and sometimes personalities are too much alike. my daughter and i are both very stubborn. one time i told her she couldn't come out of her room til she said she was sorry--and she stayed for 3 hours...she decided to take a nap. i think it is just a learning/growing phase--for parents and kids. and no one said parenting isn't easy.

Answer 6

I don't have kids, so I cannot answer this first hand. But I know some people are just tougher to love; loving them takes much more patience. People who are more affectionate and easier to love are a joy to have around. People who are stubborn and who you cannot communicate with are frustrating to love and can take a real drain on your patience. You'd think that loving someone should be easy and joyous and leave you feeling happy and warm and fuzzy inside. But sometimes it does take work.

Answer 7

Think about what it might feel like if he were to die tonight. Would it matter to you, my guess is that it would hurt you deeply. If you can actually imagine what that might feel like you might be able to recognize that you really do love your son, but maybe you are just a little out of touch with him and your frustration with his behavior starts to wear on you. This doesn't only effect your son, as your daughter gets older she will start to notice how you treat them differently and if her and her brother, (your son) are close it could effect your relationship with her. Don't blow it, you might end up losing both of your kids because of your bias.

Answer 8

I think its just the frustration cauesd since your eleder son is too naughty...He must have troubled you a lot before your daughter was born...But please try to recall the days when you only had your son,Iam sure u would have been as affectionate as you are to your daughter now..Please try to spend more time with your son like going along with him to his school,watching TV together with one of his favourite programmes and the see the difference.Iam sure the bonding will increase...Please ensure that he also spends equal amount of time with his sister..I mean all three of you try to spend as much time as possible..dont try to hurt him by scolding when he plays with his sister and may be make her cry unknowingly...After all he is still too young....

Answer 9

I think maybe throughout parenthood we feel all sorts of feelings and emotions for our kids. I would try harder to find the good little things in your son. He probably senses your soft attention towards his sister too, which shouldn't be. You are his example in life, right now is his most impressible years, he needs you MOM!! If for some reason, you find yourself physical, or mentally hurtful, please seek help, you both deserve a better life.

Answer 10

what i think is you love him the same down in your heart but sence you have the a little girl in the family you seem more happy beacuse shes little and your son is bigger and your used to having fun with a baby and seeing cute things and not seeing your kid getting in trouble all the time maybe if you spent more time with him and
get to know what the good side of him