Will I ever love him as my son? Advice to a stepfather.?

Question

I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman, no major issues with her, however she has a son who is 7 yo, he does mishave like any other child. My question is I have been with her, living with them for 9 months I still don't love him as my own and Im not sure I ever will. We do have an excellent relationship me and him. Is this supposed to be normal?? My other problem is that i think that since he is not my son, that has stayed inside me, nad is has gotten to the point that I left the house, I feel like like I could grow old with this woman but her kid.... Im just being honest to both of them. Please be specific when answering.....

The dad has never been in the picture, only for the first year of his life, The kid loves me and wants to call me dad, but like one of you said his mom wont let him until we get married. I already left the house but I have been thinking, that we do get alone and have so many goals together. Is it ok for me to be with her like that, she knows i dont like the fact he is not my son. I'll do anything for him its just that he is not mine..

We both are career minded individuals, she lets me discipline him if i have to. We plan to have a child together in about a year or two, do you think it will help?

We both are career minded individuals, she lets me discipline him if i have to. We plan to have a child together in about a year or two, do you think it will help?

We both are career minded individuals, she lets me discipline him if i have to. We plan to have a child together in about a year or two, do you think it will help?

Answer 1

Your feelings are normal- he is not your biological son, and I assume you do not have any children to compare your feelings to. Not everyone is capable of loving unconditionally- which is what you would have to be capable of doing for her boy- just like if you adopted a 7 year old boy. This is not to say that you will not "grow" to love him- and you already do, but in a different way then you would a child of your own, which is okay. Enjoy your relationship with her and him, and dont sweat your feelings for him- he's probably just happy to have a "step dad" in his life that he can relate to. Good luck, and dont worry.............

Answer 2

Ok - as a 20yr old single women from a nuclear family and who has never been in any relationship with kids involved - mine may not be the advice you're looking for!
But I was just thinking - you've missed out on the bonding with this child as a baby that a natural father would have, and this is a pretty important stage - so of course it's not going to be easy. It's great that you can see that other kids misbehave too and it's normal for that to happen (discipline as a step-father could also be a difficult thing - you'd need to discuss with your partner what behaviour's acceptable and what type of discipline is appropriate if necessary), and you said you do have an excellent relationship with him at this stage. Perhaps, rather than stressing about whether or not you will ever love him like a son, try to form a "best buddy" kind of relationship with him - spend lots of time together, sometimes doing stuff he enjoys and sometimes doing stuff you love that he can learn about from you... If you work on developing a really close friendship, rather than a father-son relationship, you may find loving him comes much easier - you'll get to know him and appreciate him a lot more, and it won't be putting so much pressure on yourself. Love is something that takes TIME no matter what some people may think - I love my grandmother to bits because she would listen to me, teach me things, and spent loads of time with me - I doubt that when I first set eyes on her as a baby I thought 'I love my Nana', it was probably more like 'Who's this lady?!'. So invest time into developing a good relationship, and perhaps loving the boy will come naturally. If you find you're still having huge difficulties years on, there's always family counselling and people you can talk to about it. Best of luck :)

Answer 3

He is your wife's son. He comes with the deal. He has a father, therefore, you will not take his father's place. You can create friction if you try. You are the father figure in the house. You will work with, play ball, and do the things you should. A father does not have a choice. He can be a good father and be in his life, or he can skip out and be a poor father. You can help him with his home work an guide him through the trials and tribulations while obtaining manhood. The person you should be asking is the the guy that has spent the last 10 or 15 years as a scout leader. He has met and mentored many kids. Some remain strangers and others are as close to him as his own son.

My question is, do you have a son and are you comparing your relationship to him? A baby is so helpless and tugs at your heart strings from day one. You looking at an independent person that already has a personality. Don't worry about it.

Answer 4

WOW. Quite a predicament. Well the first half of your question anyway. The second half doesn't make much sense.

Anyway...when you see a documentary on starving children in Africa, Hitler's treatment of Jews during the holocaust, sad movies, etc. do you not get emotional?

If you do, this means that you can have feelings about complete strangers, some even fictional or long dead.

I cannot go into the reasons you don't have strong feelings for this child but strongly believe that you can and probably will if you stay with this woman.

A strong bond (love) between any two people can occur as a result of a traumatic experience (a fire), a simple conversation, or really anything. Only one thing is for sure. It will take time.

I don't normally like making suggestions but why don't you try spending some quality time with this child, without mom present. I'll bet that the more of this you do, the chances that he will fall in love with you (and vise versa) will increase.

Answer 5

You might try to do more things together that would have a bonding effect. Sometimes with step children your partners ex is the problem that drives the wedge between the relationship, sometimes it's the child itself. I have had a lot of experience in this area. My husband had 4 children from a previous marriage, most of who came to live with us. The mother never forgave my husband, they were 16 and 17 when they married and had all four children within 3 1/2 years. Need I say more? The children never admitted to loving me when they were small. It would have been too much of disloyalty toward their mother. I washed their clothes, cooked their meals, took care of them, bought clothes and all else for them, took them on vacations each year. I really love my husband and it was done as unto him. We have had a wonderful life together. We now have five grandchildren, one of which we have from our daugther which we had together. I guess the advise I can give you is to be kind, long-suffering, and don't ever EXPECT anything from your step son or too much from yourself, love cannot be forced, but it can be honored. That way if things develop you'll be surprised and pleased. If they don't, you've done your best. By the way most of my step children now appreciate and love me and even have me stay in their home, when I go to visit. They would be greatly offended, in fact, if I didn't. Some are still coming along after 40 years! What can I say. For your partner you must make the sacfrice. Someday soon, I'll just be the two of of at home.

Answer 6

It's tough to feel a real link to a child when you only have a simple relationship with the mother. You're not committed and could walk at any time. For that reason, there is no reason for the child to try and be closer to you either.
You haven't said whether or not the father of the boy is in the picture.
If you were to marry, there might be a time you'd want to adopt this child if his father is gone or permits it. That would develop as a matter of being together in a committed relationship.
He doesn't feel secure now, be assured of that. And from what you say, you probably don't take a real active role in discipline, or giving him the loving and nurturing he needs from a father figure.

A long term relationship most likely means with the child. When you see your efforts pay off through his personal development and maturing, it's very, very worth it.
Good Luck

Answer 7

Seven years old is YOUNG - just in grade school - so give him a chance to be a kid. Is the mother good at discipline? If she lets the kid get away with anything and everything, then you 're gonna have a problem! In that case, hope for change or get ready to pack up and split.

Also, are you sure you're not being jealous of the kid and just wanting more of his mom for yourself? A mother will usually put her children before a man, so you're either going to have to fit in, or you're history. Try to bond with the boy, get him to love you, learn to discipline him in the right way (and agree on discipline with the mother), and just be patient. He'll be gone in about 10 years and hopefully by that time you'll love him like crazy.

Answer 8

The truth is Dad he is not your biological flesh and blood. What difference does it make. If it was your biological son, you were just a sperm donor. Let get down to the nuts and bolts, it is about a loving relationship. Nourish it with love and understanding. Let his mother be the disciplinarian until you feel comfortable with this young man. Remember he has his mother on his side and don't put her in the middle. This is not fair. I raised 3 children and now have 7 grandchildren.I am number 11 on the pecking order. Do you get my drift. It is not that my wife loves me less, but her babies will always come first. I never take on Mothers or Grandmother, man it like jumping out front of a Gray hound Bus. If he doesn't accept you, he will destroy your relationship with his mother. Count on it ! So be a father when you have to and later you will be his dad.

Answer 9

Been there and so has my husband. No, he will never feel like your son - because he's not your son. You can't have that same feeling as you would with your own child. Once my husband and I admitted, yes I love his 2 children and yes, he loves my son...but not as our own...we were ok.

You still cannot discipline him but you can be 'there' for him. My husband was the best thing to ever happen to my son. Today, 11 years later, my son is just like my husband. He's not his dad - he' his friend. He's another parent that's there when the going gets tough.

Step parents have a huge role in a family. Accept it for all it is. You can see from the outside when your gf needs help (emotional) and when you can offer your ear...and only your voice when she asks. Wait til the teen years...you'll be glad you had the younger years. That's parents in general ;-).

If he scrapes his knee you'll be upset - not as much as mom - but saddened...but if someone were to really hurt him (like rape or molestation or fight)...you'd find feelings for this child you never knew you had.

Truly, there are feelings you'll have for him. They're real and good. But, they won't be the same as if he was your own.

Good thought might be for the two of you to see a counselor if you make this permanent. They can help you know where the boundaries are.

Enjoy him...and her. Without him, she wouldn't be who she is. And, as my husband will tell you, be prepared to be #2 in her life for many, many years to come. Its ok as long as your love is deep - and unconditional.

Answer 10

My husband has the same emotion. We went to councelling for this. This is what we were told. Don't even try to be a Dad or have emotion as a Dad because you are then giving the boy the power to hurt you emotionally, which subconciously he may be doing. He is a little boy. You don't have to take that role. Try the mentor role which means you can be more of an influence like a positive role model or a listener. Never discipline but always demand respect but be sure to give it as well. She has to discipline so if she is not then she needs to step up to the plate because she is Mom. You need to back away emotionally a bit and let the boy come to you. Remember that this may never happen....or maybe it will, you just have to keep your heart off your sleeve. They say that in most situations such as yours it can take anywhere from 4 to 7 years for changes to take place. Wow eh?, who woulda thought that this could be so deep. We have been doing this for 8 years. Times were changeing then he moved in with his Dad in September. He is 12 now and keeps changing his ways. It can get better just remember to not look so much into these feelings because they are not bad feelings and they are just fine to have. Yes maybe you will have your own babies with her and yes it is different, it just is. There is nothing you can do about it. Remember to demand respect but to dish it out as well and you never know....you could gain a buddy some day. To make short of this, yes your feelings are PERFECTLY NORMAL and don't let anyone tell you different. Always remember when you are speaking to her about this that her feelings will definately be on her sleeve because this little man is hers to protect and love. Seriously.......councelling sounded nuts when someone told us but man oh man am I glad we did it because it helped sooooo much. My son and husband did some on their own and the difference is night and day. When we learned to finally not be so proud.......we made a big change in the mood of our home. It is best to fix it before you have anymore kids or get to deep in. We now have 2 more boys now and I am so glad we went to councelling. Believe me they have the tools to teach you. Remember mentor/friend not Dad and all will be well.
Good luck and by asking for an answer means that you do infact care or this would not even be posted.
Tabitha E