How do we deal with my Mother-In-Law?

Question

My MIL is essentailly a nice woman but very meddling..... First of all, my husband and I were recently married. He was married before (ten years ago) and has a thirteen year old daughter. Things were going smoothly at first as we were all transitioning into our new roles and new lives, then the MIL struck. BTW- we live on the same street- I know we need to move. Since the step daughter was very little and my husband worked a shift work, my MIL usually kept the stepdaughter and she spent the night there. Occaisionally she would spend the night with us. Now, she doesn't spend any time here at our house at all. MIL says that I am too young to be her step parent (to the daughter) and discredits me and her own son. She constantly calls the shots for the girl not even allowing her own son to step in and make decisions. HE TRIES- honestly....she overides him everytime. I think that he is afraid to confront his own mother and even his own daughter. Please help...advice anyone?

Answer 1

You need to try and alter your childcare arrangements and take back control and not be so dependant on her. don't stop her from seeing the child but you guys need to have control over her care and take on the role of parents as a unit together for her. you will probably need to make some fairly big changes to certain routines but it will be worth it. At the end of the day you and your husband have to work as a team on this, work out a suitable plan for your daughter's care which gives you two back control and is appropriate for her. Try and alter both your work schedules so that you can care for her yourselves as much as possible - you need to get the relationship and home environment properly established with her. If she ends up seeing the MIL as the 'parent' in the family then you will have serious trouble with her later as she will not respect either of you or your authority. Just get together get stron and get in there and change things - only you two can do it.

Answer 2

It's difficult for a son to tell his mother who has almost raised his daughter to mind her own business. It's also very difficult for the mil to let go of the daughter after all she's been looking after her for the last 10 years and then you're in the picture.
You keep wanting to blame the mil and the husband when in fact you need to may realize that you can't change this situation overnight.
Speak to the mil and tell her what a good job she's done raising her grandchild and tell her while you appreciate it you need to be the "mom" figure. Tell you that you would appreciate her help in making the transition smoother. Always remember to tell her that she will always be in her grandchild's life because she may be feeling that she will be forgotten and she's been a big part in her life. Work with her instead of against her.
Enlist your husband's help - get him to talk to his mother in a nonthreatening way explaining that his wife needs to be the one who will along with himself be making decisions about his daughter. I think maybe the MIL is just feeling unwanted and under appreciated and doesn't know how to let go so isn't handling the transition very well.
Showing some understanding (though it's difficult) will go a long way to making your MIL your ally instead of your enemy. Good Luck

Answer 3

Let him know that if he doesn't stand up to her and put her in her place, then you will and there will be some unfortunate circumstances. Apparently he still has mommy issues to not stand up to her yet. I thought during weddings there was only a bride and groom at the altar, not a MIL. She acts like she's married to both of you two.

If you have to confront her, say something along the lines that she had better lay off if she wants to continue being a part of her son's life. You are married to her son, and not her, and if she wants her son to continue to be happy with you, then she has to lay off and let you and your husband make the decisions regarding their lives and their household. No offense, but your husband has to get his balls back from his mom too.

Answer 4

Appeal to her sense of family. Tell her you are trying to build a strong family and you want to take a more active parenting role with your step daughter. It is your marriage and future at stake. You don't want to have children of your own and have her continue parenting your own children as well. You don't want your step daughter to think you don't want to parent her, either. Ask her to step back and let you and your husband parent his daughter. You may be a young step mother but she is too old to be this girl's mother.

Answer 5

who has custody? Your husband needs to prove to his daughter that she is important. By letting his mother override his right to raise his daughter he is telling her that she is not worth the fight. Tell him to step up to the plate and let his daughter know that she is important enough to go against his mother.

Answer 6

You have to move away and be independent. If you use the woman as a baby/child sitter then she will have input influence. Cut off all ties and move on.

Answer 7

Get the heck outa' Dodge.

Really, tho', if you can both step up to the plate and stick up for yourselves (you may forEVER be this gal's stepmom, enjoy your position-dad PICKED you), the daughter will end up most well-adjusted. Grandma had her kid/s. If she can't be gracious, it's her loss.

Answer 8

Your husband needs to put his foot down and confront his mother.

Answer 9

You need to relocate, and he needs to find a spine. After that, it's "Thanks for the advice. I'll keep it in mind while we decide what to do."
Good Luck. While it's tough to change things, it can be done with determination.

Answer 10

you both need to confront her you need to show her who is boss you are his wife now