Discipline?

Question

My son will be turning five soon. He has been acting up lately (well not with other people, just my hubby and I which I understand is normal). But my hubby is threatening to take away his birthday and/or Christmas if our son continues to disobey. I think this is harsh and he thinks I am undermining him. He constantly tells me stories about how things were when he was younger (he was the good one but still got the shaft type stories, most of which his parents dispute). I agree with teaching our child about greed, talking back, or any other issue but I don't think scarring the kid with taking away his birthday or Christmas is going to do anything. I could definitely see taking away favorite toys, no TV, cutting down on gifts (like not buying such and such that he has been dying for) for punishment. Am I just a pushover?

Oh by the way, anytime I question his tactics, he will say something like, fine I won't discipline him at all and let him become a brat/delinquent, etc. It's like he refuses to compromise if I question him. It's all or nothing. Always been that way.

Answer 1

Have your husband take a step back and put himself in you son’s shoes. What if he had some bad days or wasn’t getting along with you? Would it be fair for you to withhold his birthday or Christmas gifts? No! Often times parents come up with disciplining strategies that make no sense. What won’t work for you will not work for you son.

Taking away gifts for his birthday or Christmas are way too harsh. This is not an effective way to teach your son. Taking away toys or privileges are punishments, very different from discipline. Using natural and logical consequence is the best way to discipline a child. Taking away a toy or privilege is not a natural consequence, unless the child is abusing that toy or privilege. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If he makes a mess, he cleans it. If he breaks a toy, he puts it in the trash. If he damages something in the home, he does things around the house to pay for the damages. Let the discipline you use fit the crime committed.

Why do you think he has been acting up? Are there any new changes in his life (new baby, move, new school, family issues)? If there are, give him lots a love and support. Children who act out are trying to find ways to gain power and attention. Help him with this by saying things like “You did that by yourself! You can run super fast! Look how high you can climb! Look how many colors you used on your picture!” These intrinsic motivators work much better than extrinsic rewards (“Good job!”, stickers, treats). They are great ways to show positive attention, great confidence builders, and great ways to help him feel powerful.

Instead of taking away things from him when he misbehaves try this. When he misbehaves tell him “I don’t like when you (explain what and why in very few words).” Put him in a quiet area away from you (his room, the couch). Tell him “When you are ready to (listen, be gentle, calm down…) then you can come back. This is not a time out because you are not giving him a time limit (you controlling him). He returns when he's ready to control himself. You may have to take him back to the spot a few times before he gets the message. Thank him when he is calm. Keep it up!

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. Pick you battles! You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. I think once you model these techniques, your husband will see how well you son responds and will follow suit. Hope this helps! Good luck!

Answer 2

First, you all should think about the consequences of both of your actions. You and your husband both need to understand that you are not hurting anyone more than you son, if you do not discipline him. Second, you need to discuss your discipline practices together while your son is away or not misbehaving. If you do it this way, you are not missing out on an opportunity to give your son a valuable learning lesson. Because discipline, is the time to instill the lessons of life. Third, you need to give your son direct consequences set up by your husband and yourself that are going to be set in stone. If you do ________, you do not get _______. But this technique does not work if you wait, or if it is a delayed consequence.
If your husband is threatening to take away Christmas, that is way to far away into the future for your 5 year old to learn anything. He needs immediate consequences that are relevant to the undesired behavior.
I hope that this helps.

Answer 3

No you are protecting your son from an abusive father.
Your husband wants to control everyone in his life.
He is an abuser. Get out of the relationship and take your son with you. Your hubby needs counseling, fast.
5 year olds test authority just to make sure it is still there
and they can count on it. Punishment can be time out
for 1 minute times age of child=5 minutes. To a 5 year
old that is forever. Not letting him watch a favorite t.v.
show or not letting him go out and play after he gets home
is punishment enough. Taking away a birthday or Christmas is harsh. Very harsh.

Answer 4

Sounds like your husband is a bigger baby than your kid. Just do what you think is best. Telling your son hes not getting presants for his birthday and Christmas isnt punishment , its plain mean. Your supposed to discipline the child when he actually does the bad thing, not way after the fact. Tell your husband to grow up or just stay out of it then because his method sucks @ss, and you be the disciplinary figure.

Answer 5

I wouldn't do that. It's not just that it's mean- it's not effective. A five year old is not going to behave himself today so he gets gifts in over a month. Plus if you tell him he's not getting Christmas presents, then he'll figure "okay, why try." and misbehave a lot from now on. He needs immediate consequences for misbehavior, and ones that you can repeat over and over if necessary. Try the book Parenting with Love and Logic.