Please tell me I'm not a bad Mom!!!!?

Question

My 8 and 6 year olds have been fighting like crazy cats and dogs lately. My husband and I separated about 7 months ago. I was thinking some of the problems with anger and with fighting were due to their father no longer living at home. Lately I've been encouraging them to talk more about thier feelings and have been punishing them by taking away privledges when they have fought.
Yesterday my 8 year old hit his brother on the back due to an argument. I grounded them both, as they both were at fault, till Mon. I've taken away all TV and gaming privledges and when we get home at 6pm they are to stay in their rooms till Sat. On Sat and Sun they are free to play inside or out but still have no TV or games.

My 8 year old was invited to a party on Sat. I have said no due to the fact he is grounded. Am I being too harsh? I don't think I am but I just really need some back up here. That lil sad face is breaking my heart!!

I'm a nanny and have 3 lil ones I care for after school each day from 3-6. They are all about the same age and enjoying playing together. I have not taken away play time with these children as I know they still need to get outside in the fresh air and need time to exercise after a day spent in school.

Answer 1

I don't think you are being too harsh when you take away things that the children enjoy. I do think you should remember the attention span of the child. The younger the child, the more immediate the punishment should be. With my children, at that age, more than a day or two should be enough. After that, they probably feel you are just being mean.
I do think counseling would be helpful because of the breakup. All kids fight, there is no way around that, and they will continue to fight until they move away from each other when they are grown. (personality conflicts and being so close to each other)
Talk to your 8 year old, and maybe discuss how he feels about the punishment vs. the crime. Another thing that has worked for me in the past, and even when my kids got older, compromise with them. For example, "you are being punished for hitting your brother, IF I do let you go to the party, what could you do for your brother to make up for hitting him?" suggestions-he could read to the younger brother every day for a week, let the 6 year old play with a special toy for a certian amount of time, etc. Let the 8 year old make the decision. Let him know that you respect him, and he will continue to respect you, no matter what the age. Listen to him, but do not cave in. This has worked with many children, because it lets them know that you do not hate them for "messing up". It also gives them the opportunity to realize the mistakes they have made, and how to "fix" the problem. (something that they need to know how to do throughout their whole life)
I, myself, would not separate the boys from their friends or each other for very long. They need the interaction, especially with all the changes that have gone on in the household.

Answer 2

It doesn't matter now if you feel you are right or wrong. You have made a decision and the important thing to do now is stand by your decision. There is nothing more confusing to children than a parent who is prone to changing their minds on a punishment that was imposed upon them for something that they have done wrong. You have to maintain control now or when they become teenagers there will not be much hope for any type of control or respect for your opinions for that matter. Stability now is the name of the game and consistency too. Be strong and think about those punishments before you dish them out so that you can also live with yourself and not feel guilty. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Have u given them warninings before u took away their privledges? i think the only ways kids will understand why they have been grounded or haven their toys taken away is by explainin to them y. Tell them that if they do not start behaving and treating each other the way they wanted to be treated they will have to face the consiquences. Tell them that u r goin through a rough time and u need them to help u get through it by being nice to each other. Try having some fun family time atleast once a week to show them that they can get along. Trust me they will miss playin together once they get along and would want to get along more.. hope everything works out for u

Answer 4

You are not a bad mom. Make sure you stick with what you say so they know you mean it. Maybe you could also offer them a reward system. Say if they have an afternoon without fighting you will take them out for ice cream or something. One thing that worked really well for my girls (who were two years apart) was giving them an early bedtime when they acted up. They would get one warning, then would lose 15-30 minutes off of their bedtime. It sounds like a simple thing, but the one who had to go to bed early couldn't stand her sister staying up later.

Answer 5

No. You gave ample warning and are just following through on the promise of consequences that you said there will be. You have to set boundaries and they have to learn to respect them. You are a good mother. You will have to be tough because you are both parents at the moment. Don't feel bad. They will have more parties to go to and there will be another day for TV watching and games.

Answer 6

The thing that your children need now, more than ever, is consistency! Do not go back on the punishment. They need to learn now that what you say is good as gold. He may pitch a fit, but you are doing what is best for them.

It would be a lot easier to always make them happy and be their friend. But that is why they say that parenting is the hardest job you will ever LOVE.

Answer 7

no! keep strong. i find it very hard to stick with things when my kids are sorry and cute and everything else. but you have to think about what you are teaching them. perhaps the anger is due to the seperation but that doesnt make it ok to hit your family or anyone. sticking with the grounding will teach them that there are consequences to bad behavior and that you mean business. giving in will teach them to be manipulative and that they do not have to face the consequences. you are not being too harsh at all. youre still feeding them, sheltering them, protecting them and loving them. too many parents these days give in to that sad face and have horribly behaved children because of it. you want them to grow up to be good men and good men take responsibilty for their actions and think of others.

Answer 8

Ok, you grounded them from tv and gaming priveledges but you mention they are allowed to play inside or outside, just no tv, so what would be the difference if your 8 year old played outside with the neighbourhood kids or went over to the party for a couple hours, came home and still no tv?

Answer 9

I know it is not easy - but talk to your boys - let them know how you feel yourself. They need to know what goes on in your heart.
Be as honest with them as possible and let them talk too.
Does not matter what or how they say what is on their mind.
They need to know that their are not to blame for the separation
and that you two still love them but you and your husband have problems that need to be worked out between the two of you.
Let them vent their anger in words not in physical abuse.
Get some help from their school councilor or family member.
Even a good friend or neighbor can help.

You are cutting them off from social contact - friends and peers,
they are already cut off from their father - how much more do you
want to punish them for something they don't quite understand.
Get them to counseling, so they learn to control their anger
and frustration - by punishing them you reinforce the guilt they
have of being somehow responsible for your break-up.
This sounds harsh - but their are only children - They need
LOVE more than punishment.

Answer 10

You are doing awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are the parent, you NEED to stand your ground, if you back off just alittle on your word, your kids will see that, and they will start trying to take advantage of you.
You did exactly what I would have done.
That little sad face is trying to get you to break, but you are the parent, you grounded him because he hit his brother, and you love him. You love him enough to also keep your word and not back down on the punishment that you have given him.
Divorce is hard on the kids.... I was out of the house when my parents divorced, but my brothers took the hit of it.
Just keep trying to be patient and understanding, and keep up with them explaining there feelings instead of hitting!
Your a wonderful mother who is trying your best, you can do it....

Good luck!