In a "fight" with a mother-in-law who's side is the son/husband/fiance supoosed to take?

Question

Holiday mishap!
My mother in law was in town for the weekend with her husband and new granddaughter. Now, My mother in law doesnt see her son for about 2 to 3 years at a time. So when she came she took over the reigns, okay I thought, fine. Then she began cooking, and cleaning her mess. I asked to help and a few times she told me no. I thought it was because she wanted to do the " mother" thing. Then one day in Spanish the mother tells my fiance to " tell your lazy girlfriend to get up and do something". Now I was shocked... before this incident we were the best of friends. I asked her what she ment by that and she said " I have been here for three days and you have done nothing for my son and I call it how I see it". I was so mad. And to not be disrespectful, I got a few of my things and left... MY HOUSE! THE NIGHT BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY. Okay, so now, I am this rude and unstable girlfriend for her son, and I was wrong to leave? Why didnt he stick up for me?
What did I do wrong?

Answer 1

Your husband should have stuck up for you!

But he was most likely scared to offend his mother by doing so...

I would just put on a happy face in front of her, because when it comes to unruly inlaws--noone wins!

Answer 2

Oh boy, we are talking tradition here as well!

Mother is from the old world, your guy is not going to disrespect her....One thing to get straight, you will never be best friends with your mother in law! She will always be on the sons side, period!
You were not wrong to leave. This is today's America. Men realize that women do not do EVERYTHING for the man. I do the cooking, most of the cleaning (he does help). Taking care of the kids etc. This is my job I get to be at home all day long and do as I please. Of course this is not my main reason to be home.....
I feel if you two ever get married then yes your husband may say something to his mother. Until you are married do not expect anything. After you are married chances are he still will not disrespect his mother. Plus if her new husband is also from the old country he may just kick your guys butt if he ever did do this to her?....or give it a good try?

Clash of cultures is what is going on. Mexican women are the boss as far as the domestic ways go, traditionally. Try the next time she is there, (or even now) go home and take your home back. Kick her out of the kitchen, or at least take over and be the boss. This might get you some respect, but do not hold your breath. I would do this lol! Actually I would not have let her take over in the first place, but I do understand after reading your post why you did......
Good luck!!

Answer 3

First off all it's your house too, YOU should NOT of allowed her to take over. Your husband should of spoken up for you. Some mothers are just picky about the house and don't think anyone can clean it like they can, the same goes with the cooking. But you should of just keep doing what you normally do. And if you don't like how she dose something the change it the way you like it.

But from what I can see most mother-in-laws wont approve of how there kids spouse do things anyways. I am so glade I never met mine.

Answer 4

You would think that a husband would stand beside his wife rather than his mother, but in the real world it doesn,t happen, As for you mother in law she sounds like the steam roller type and no one stands in front of a steam roller with out serious consequences, How do you beat this woman, sorry you can't so when she shows up just clear out tell you husband if he won't stand up for you he can pay for a nice hotel room while Mommy visits , and do not back down, practise for when you get to be the mother in law

Answer 5

I hate to say this, but there's one thing you're missing; YOU'RE JUST A GIRLFRIEND.

If you were his wife, than I'd say, "Holy crap! You're HUSBAND needs to grow some cajones and stick up for his wife. That is his mother, yes. But you're his wife and you come first."

But you aren't. You're living in sin with her son. She's probably less than thrilled at that situation and she's probably menapausal

So you have 2 options;
1.) Get married and expect to have to compete with a mother for her son's love or;
2.) Leave. You are worth more than that, and sorry if he can't see that, it's not your problem.

Personally, I'd do the 2nd thing. I would NEVER be with or marry a man who didn't put me first. I did marry a man who does put me first as he should. I also would do the same.

The real question is; What are you worth?

Answer 6

OK so you don't really know what was going through her head and why she acted this way. But lets face it you over-reacted a bit as well, not that you were in the wrong but you could have handled it better. Most importantly you should talk to your bf, because he is in a very sticky situation; stuck between the two women he loves the most. I'm sure that once the dust settles all will work out well, especially once she leaves then the situation will be nuetralized

P.S- Happy Birthday!

Answer 7

How rude of her. At first I wasn't sure if your talking a normal argument, in which the smart man will "get out of Dodge." But she actually verbally attacked you in your own home, your man should have defended your honour, keep that in mind when/if you let him back into your house. You didn't do anything wrong, you are the one being wronged by both mother and son.

Answer 8

he is in a predicament.. =T think of it this way..it's his mother!! haha.. she raised him. of course he has this tie to her...and you are his wife, so of course he loves u w/ all his heart.

try not to put him in the situation where he has to choose.... however, as a guest in ur home, u need to try and insist that you clean or help, or "take charge". it's possible she is testing you, to see if u are 'taking care of' her son. now that's unfair, but it's possible, and it is Your house. now i have the same situation when i go to his house, and his mom cooks, and i always ask to clean or help up and she says "no" and i feel uncomfortable, and i ask a few times, she still says no. but if it was my house, i think i would feel the need to take charge so that she wouldn't feel as though SHE has to do it. good luck girl...

he should stick up for you too.. however, his mother is just being honest. not very tactful. just (try) to calmly tell her that you do your best to love and respect her son, as your husband, and that you don't appreciate her coming as a guest and being rude. if she doesn't like staying there, to please pack her stuff and u can find her a hotel to stay in.

that way, u are Taking Charge of your House. she will most likely apologize or at least back down... ask ur husband if he feels u don't do anything, u never know, what if he complained to his mother that u are lazy? just make sure u are on the same page w/ ur husband, and are doing ur best to be the best wife possible.

good luck~~~~~!!!!

Answer 9

You may have fallen into an ethnic difference, not to mention age!
You can not win in this if he has not stuck up for you. She see you as lazy for not "taking care of her son". The man is king attitude.
This is a big part of who she is, you will not change her. Since you left because of her disrespect, you may want to reconsider your relationship with him. Can you tolerate this treatment year in and year out for life? If he is unwilling to see your side then he will always be a momma's boy.

Answer 10

I would not have left I would have told her EXACTLY how it was and how she was being. Then I would have told her that I ASKED her several times if she wanted help and her answer was NO. You fiance should have said something to defend you as far as her calling you lazy. It really sounds like this is bothering you and I think that you should just ask him why he didnt stick up for you. If you are calling him your fiance then you are planning to marry this man and you have to communicate with him.

Answer 11

Well I am going to tell you the truth. Its YOUR house why did you ALLOW her to take over the reigns in the first place. That was your first mistake. That's how they set you up to call you lazy. You should have been caring for your husband as usual and her cooking for him should have been the rarity.