Maybe I am a little biased, but do I not have good reason to be upset?

Question

My father became involved with a woman years after the death of my mother, kept it a secret from me, and then got engaged to her three months after my brother broke the news to me despite my father's best efforts; I haven't been happy.
Sixth months after I first met her, they were married. I met her parents for the first time the night before the wedding. The next time I went home from school (boarding) we had moved out of my childhood home and into a new house "better suited" for the eight of us. (Yes, I have a brother and a sister and my step-mom came with some baggage. Three to be exact.) By the time we moved in together, I had probably spent less than 24 hours with any member of my "new" family. Two years later, I am stilling uncomfortable in my "home." My dad shows me less attention than ever. My step-mom spends my dad's money like it's nothing: accupunture, massages, junk for her kids. Not to mention the fact that she's alread "inherited" our nicest vehicle. I feel pushed away.

Not to mention the fact that I have watched my step-sister use my dad's credit card recklessly; something that I didn't even know was given to her. My step-brother has manipulated my dad into giving him thousands of dollars in order to buy a car. He has never offered to pay him back. I feel like none of my "step" family members respect my dad, his home, or his money. After telling my father about my concerns, he threatened to kick me out of the house and send me to live with his mother, my grandmother. Needless to say I shut my mouth, but maybe I shouldn't have?

I spent a lot of time in counseling with my actual brother and sister, by myself, with my dad, and with all of us together. My brother, sister and I have approached my dad in counseling complaining that we feel like he doesn't want to spend time with us anymore. His response word for word... "I'm always very busy, and if you don't do anything to help me out then that's tough. Judy's [my step-mother] going to get her time." I remember it like yesterday. The thing is, we helped him before, and we helped him even more afterwards, but nothing has changed. Yes, he is happy, and I am glad. But I feel like I have been giving and giving and giving to make this "family" work. To make him happy. I have moved out of my childhood home, agreed to a smaller room in a different house farther away from my friends, and even given up some personal liberties and money. And oh, I forgot. Within months of moving together, my step-mother killed my dog of six or seven years by running him over with a car.

I have a feeling that my dad is indirectly trying to keep my away from my mother's family. I haven't seen my three aunts and their kids, my cousins, nearly as often as I did before my step-mother was around. Not because I don't have time to see them, but because I feel like my dad tries to make it difficult for me to see them. Luckily, I have pushed through his selfish desires and seen my family. When I spoke with some of my aunts and my cousin about it, they said they felt the same way. Like he was purposefully trying to keep my brother, my sister, and me away from them. I think he's trying to erase my mother from my life altogether. He won't let me display pictures of her in my room, visit her family, and he has either packed up or gotten rid of completely everthing that had anything to do with her. I don't appreciate it at all.

Answer 1

Have you talked to your dad about this? I think that it's partially unfair that you're unhappy with your father for being with another woman and rushing into things with her. That's his decision. Agree or disagree, you should support him in the choices that make him happy. On the other hand, it's partially unfair that you don't feel comfortable around your dad any more. I think that this can be easily fixed, but it won't be until you talk to him about it. Tell him that you're glad he's happy with this woman and that you goal is not to cause problems; you just wish that you could spend more time with him. If anything, he will appreciate the gesture. Most fathers will jump at the chance to spend time with their kids. If you give him the opportunity, he will make time for you. It's really important that you don't come across as selfish when you talk to him about this stuff. You might also make an extra effort to spend time with your step-family when your dad is not around. He'll appreciate the effort you're making with his decisions. It will take a lot of hard work on both ends, but it's definitely fixable.

Answer 2

Sure you have a reason to be upset. But you can't choose family, and you can't control your dad. Don't let this ruin your life/mood/other relationships~ just work hard, move out and make your own home. I completely understand what you mean, my family situation is far from ideal and when I was living at home, I have at times felt like I had no home (which is made up of alot more than just a house). But once you've left, you can leave that mess behind... love is love and while she may not be the type of person you would choose for your mate, your dad choose her (good decision or bad, only time will tell), while this has affected you negatively, his choice in a life partner doesn't have much to do with your happiness. And while all this hurts... he is allowed to move on and have another chance at happiness. He was probably hesitant to bring you guys together because he was afraid you would be upset. And if you act uncomfortable, you will be uncomfortable... a part of me used to say "They're the adults... they should know better" but it takes TWO people to make a relationship work- so you have a choice- you can either just get away from it all (which admittedly is what I did)... bare it out and stay out of the way until you can afford to move out, and you can choose to not include them in your future life or only include them on your terms... OR you can try to make nice, strike casual conversation, and try to feel closer in the family. Realize that how she spends his money is his problem and not yours. The baggage is a burden you won't have to carry once you leave. (Hell, from her point of view, you could be considered baggage that came with your dad! )

Answer 3

Oh Richard here's a hug for you ~((^_^))~ hope that helps.

Now, i can see how this would bother you, do you think part of it has to do w you feeling like your dad moved on too quickly? Perhaps he did but what done is done...try talking to your dad about how you feel. Im sure he feels the tension as well simply doesnt know how to approach you. Try breaking the ice by inviting him into something that interest you like a ball game or something. That way you two can spend quality time and bond.

Let him know that you enjoyed spending time w him and want to do more of it, maybe over time you'll both feel comfortable w inviting your step-mom along. I know it can be tough, but try to keep an open mind its hard being a step parent especially after a death. But first things first, work on repairing the relationship w your dad.

best of luck to you!

here's another hug, ~((^_^))~

Answer 4

You dont mention how old you are. I have a feeling you are still mourning the loss of your mother. You father has a right to move on and be happy, I am sure your mother would have wanted him to be happy... but you have a right to be happy too. talk to your father, go to councelling together... then maybe your step mother can join you in therepy. How are your other siblings handling the change? Do you have any other family member you can talk to about this, an aunt or uncle. I am sorry about your loss, I hope things get better for you.

Answer 5

I certainly sympathize with your feelings of being pushed aside, and having resentment for your new family because they have no consideration for your father's money. These feelings are normal and you should feel no guilt about them. In view of all the circumstances that you describe, perhaps you would be happier living with your grandmother. At least you wouldn't have to witness all the inconsiderate things that are going on. But do try to understand your dad's feelings too. He's trying to make a go of this second marriage, and it's probably not easy for him either.

It will take a lot of time and adjustment to get used to the idea of having this second family. Maybe in time you will learn to accept them, if not love them. But in the meantime, try to keep an open mind. Your dad is probably aware of what's happening with his money, but that's his problem and his responsibility. He will have to deal with it. But I really think you would be happier away from your present environment, so tell your dad that you love him, but you need some space. If your grandmother is willing to take you, and you get along fine with her, then go for it, girl. And good luck!

Answer 6

I am right there with you. I met my stepmother a month before they were married. But I wasnt living with my dad at the time, I was living with my mom. My mom and I never got along so I was kicked out and moved in with my dad. His wife hated me. She said it was unfair for her to have to spend her honeymoon months with his kid in the house. There were always arguments about me being there. She was a money sucker as well. Times were tight for my dad and she was always out spending the money. Finally, she told him it was her or me, and to make it easier for him, I moved out without saying anything.

But I know how you feel. And I confronted her a couple times. It would make things better for a week or a little more, but things went right back to the way they were before our talk a little after.

I sympathize for you. The only thing that kept me going through it all was knowing that my dad was happy. Which is why I left. I didnt want him to have to choose (knowing he would pick me and then be lonely again).

Answer 7

Yeah you have a right. But being upset never helped anyone. It sounds like the opening chapter of an Agatha Christie murder mystery. Don't let it end like one. Somebody gave you some good advice about saving some money and planning to get out. Meaanwhile be around people who like and support you, with whom you can safely talk about your problems. And try to keep things peaceful at home. You don't want to be seen as the trouble maker.

Answer 8

You have the right to feel the way you do. What counts most is how you handle it. We are all responsible for our attitudes and actions. If you are alone with your father, express to him what you have posted here as calmly and maturely as you can, then ask him if there is room in this family for you. Tell him that you feel that your relationship with him seems to be slipping away and you want to be closer to him. You both need one another and it will take a little bit of effort to improve things. Be patient. Time will be needed, but things should improve.

Answer 9

Your feelings are valid. But if you present them the wrong way you will be dismissed as being petty. Be careful.

If your dad thinks you are just being jealous he won't listen to you. You've got to let him know how you feel in the most adult way possible.

A letter is a great way. Then you can take time to put into words what you are feeling and you won't be interrupted. In fact. I would show him the question that you wrote here. It is stated in a factual way and doesn't simply point fingers or call names.

Let your dad know that you need to feel loved and wanted.

Keep saying things like "I'm not saying (stepmom) is a bad person. I know that you love her. I just need some reassurance that you love me too."

Answer 10

painful for you, granted. but this is your dad's life. he chose it. by choosing, it seems he gave you up. very sad. you can't change him and if he wants to spend all his money on them, that's his business. but, he still needs to support you - make sure he gives you the best education (a school away from home, since you feel uncomfortable there, anyway), a good allowance, (you didn't say how old you are but if close to driving age) a good car for you to get around. if he can't be mature enough to realize your pain, you are going to have to be the mature one. make something of yourself. make your education count, save as much of your allowance to get you started when you get out of school, find a great job and show your dad that you could make it in life without him. it's a shame to feel pushed away - but, let this be your strength to make it on your own. i wish you all the best.