Who's right? Wrong? Crazy?

Question

I don't have patience with my mom. She doesn't function like normal people do. Every other time I try to help her with a task I lose my cool and say things I'm thinking, but shouldn't say. I feel scarred because of things from the past that still haunt me, of which she still hasn't changed. I can't cope with it, and she resents the fact that I'm not more loving. She throws everything she's done for me in my face, like I owe her my life because I can't get the strength to do small things for her. Small things, meaning, packing up her whole house to move, while my brother does nothing. She say she's not strong enough or able enough to pack up the house whatsoever, and she expects me to do the whole thing, giving me guilt trips because she bought me a brand new car last year. It's hard! I say I shouldn't about certain things about her life that need to change, thinking I'm trying to help her, but she always thinks I'm just ashamed of her or I don't love her or appreciate her. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what point I'm trying to make, or if I'm even making sense. I feel like maybe I don't forgive her for things that happened during my teens that she could have prevented, or maybe it's because she still does the same things, and refuses to change. It makes me angry that she won't try. I don't know. She says I don't love her when I say she needs to change certain things or when I don't feel like all responsibility for her tasks should be on me, because she doesn't have other people to help her. I told her I couldn't help her move all by myself, because I'm only one girl, and she just comlpains b/c I could have started helping her months ago, every month. I don't know what to do. I don't want to keep this car if she's gonna throw it in my face for the rest of my life when I feel overwhelmed with tasks she gives me to do. I don't live with her anymore. I pay my own rent. I didn't ask for the car. She just gave it to me because she said she loved me.

I told her I didn't want to take the car if she was going to expect me to earn it all back by helping her all the time when I can't, or if she was going to throw it in my face every time I don't do something for her.

Answer 1

You're trying to be friends with your Mom and sometimes thats just not possible. It sounds like you two have a lot of issues. She's your Mom and she won't just go away. You have to figure out what YOU can do to make the situation better. Its up to her to realize that you have your own life and although you love her, you can't be there all the time to help whenever she needs it. Figure out whats bothering you so much. Is she a drama queen or maybe too controlling? Try not to get so worked up about it and just look at the problem.

Answer 2

Tell your mom "this is the time I have available to help you", and give her a schedule. Tell her that you don't have any more time than that.

Yes, your mother might have given you the car because she loves you, but it had strings attached. Your mother acts this way because, I feel, she is scared that she isn't a major person in your life anymore. She is having a hard time with the "empty nest syndrome".

I suggest you be firm with her. Give her your schedule, and YOU stick to it. If she says that is not satisfactory, then suggest to her she hire movers who will come in and pack and move it for her. Sounds like she has accumulated alot of stuff throughout the years. Is she having to downsize, and that is why you are having to go through all these things?

If she is downsizing, that perhaps might be a reason she is acting this way. She is leaving her nest, and going to a strange place (for her).

Assure your mother that you love her, and you want to help, but this is the maximum amount of time you are able to help. If she is not happy with that, don't get angry. Just tell her, with kind words, that it is the best you can do. But you uphold your promise by being there when you tell her.

We parents all make mistakes raising our kids. I know I made my share of mistakes. Believe me, she feels the guilt for her mistakes more than you feel the resentment towards her.

Your mom is making a transition in her life, and she is scared and she is clinging to you. I know, it is wrong for her to do that, and she might not even realize she is doing that.

When was the last time you called her up and suggested going out to lunch together, or a movie, or shopping? Perhaps she just wants to see you, and by asking for your help justifies her calling you.

If you sell the car and give her back the money, it would hurt her terribly. Even though she might have given it to you as a way to buy you, it would be a slap in the face if you gave the car back, and it would further damage your relationship.

I hope this helps.

Answer 3

I was an only child and so my mother was very demanding. I left home and married and had kids but she was always there. I told her many times that she should live for her Jesus and not for me. It did not work. I learned that all her gifts came with a price and so I stopped taking anything valuable. I understand overwhelmed because the last time she came to me she was bed-ridden and I was unable to lift her. I went to all the organizations in my county and asked for help for her and many were able to do something. I found her people that she really didn't want but I told her that I had to do something because of my health. My mom loved me as much as she could. I think your mom is doing the same but she is so wrapped up in her own problems and grief that she cannot see what she is doing to you. Try to find her some help. Tell her that you will sell the car so that you can have the money to pay the people to help her because you cannot do it all. You have a right to confront your other sibling about the help your mother needs and in front of your mother. I promise you that holding all of your frustration inside is very bad. I now have a bad heart and had to have surgery. My Dr. said it was caused by stress. Now I ask you not to scream and shout. This is not productive but you should talk and speak your mind and not allow them to shout you down. That was tried on me and I just kept talking in a calm manner with my hands over my ears. I wish you well and will pray that your mother finds peace and contentment.

Answer 4

Mothers the highest cause for therapy. Sell the old car get a new one. Move out and stay out. Tell her to grow up.

Answer 5

Sounds like the car was bait for a guilt trip.

Answer 6

I only knows that without your mother, there is no you.