Relationship advice?

Question

Hi, I have been dating this really really great girl for almost two years now. She is sweet, caring, and beautiful. My problem (which I guess you knew I was getting too with a title like Relationship Advice) is that for the past three months we have not been very physically intimate. Some background is that she has just recenly graduated college and is working on starting her own business. Rather than living in an apartment she lives with her parents. I also am finishing up a masters degree, so it is hard to find time to see one another for the length we used to. It's to the point now that we don't really do anything sexual at all besides a peck on the lips. We do cuddle and watch tv, but more often than not she is more concerned with playing board games and doing puzzles. I never force her to do anything she doesn't want and we have dicussed this. I told her I felt like it there was something wrong with me, or that there was someone else perhaps, but this is not the case.

She is alwyas affectionate in other ways and tells me she loves me a lot. It's just before she would be the one to initiate any sexual contact (also we have not had sex yet) and now it's a chore to do that. So I'm asking is it normal for this to happen as relationships go on longer? Does the initial spark cool? Also this weekend she is going to come to my apartment becaus she is able to take off work. I want to know what I can do to give us more intimacy and maybe respark that initial fire. We haven't had time alone in about a month. I'm thinking of making her dinner with candles. Any other ideas or advice. Flowers wouldn't be a big thing because I always get her those. What I'm looking for is just some good advice on how to deal with this issue, aside from being supportive. I love her very very much and want to do the best I possibly can. Any help would be apperiated. Thanks. No cheap shots please.

brave_ulysses, Why don't you allow emails? I wanted to tell you how awesomem the clip was. :) It made me spit pepsi on my monitor. :)

Answer 1

There are two issues here.
Firstly, its hard to find time alone together.
Secondly, when you do have time alone to spend together, movies and puzzles are in the agenda.
How to fix this? EASY!
Depending on your guys's relationship, you might be able to just TALK to her about it. After two years and with as much education as you two have, I'd expect you both to be able to communicate. Communicating with your partner shouldn't be scary. To start the conversation, try asking her if there's anything you can do to turn her on more, ask her if there's anything you can do to improve the relationship, and than ask what about the sex? After she's done, share your side, just simply state that you'd like it if she'd initiate it more. A kind partner would not take offense because she would want to please you. Its hard work keeping a relationship going, especially so with so much on your plate BUT sexual intimacy is a big part of any relationship... I have a very busy life, so I understand.... sometimes I just want to zone out and pluck my eyebrows and shop on the internet and hide from the world, just have some relax time... which is what I think the puzzles/boardgames/etc. are... chill and relaxing is great after a stressful day of school/work, but some of that will have to be sacraficed. Or do both and sacrafice on sleep. Main thing is, you guys should make do with what you can- its a rough time right now with so much to do but if you guys can communicate, compromise (how to spend the little time you do have together) and be understanding (she might be extremely tired one night and not want to initiate sex... more likely, she's exhausted and doesn't think about initiating)...
Good luck~

Answer 2

You know. I think the thing to do is make a setting that is quiet and romantic. Yes, have the candles and music. I would make some point in the first few hours of your time alone to tell her outright that there is something that you want to talk over with her because you love her and are concerned.

Then bring up your real concerns about intimacy, frequency, quality, etc. If you are gentle and forthright, she will take it well and will open up to you regarding her thoughts. Remind her that she can tell you anything, but that you are wondering if there is anything amiss. make sure that you aren't accusatory in any way and listen to what she has to say. Remain affectionate with her throughout the conversation. Perhaps stroke her arm or her hair.

Relationship sexual energy waxes and wanes over time. She may be exhausted and busy trying to make her business successful. If your relationship is otherwise solid, this will give her a little nudge that you feel the need for more physical contact.

Answer 3

I sounds to me like you're not so concerned with the relationship as you are with the amount of intamacy. Your relationships sounds fine. You appear to have open communication and honesty will go a long way in this situation.
Remember, you can't read her mind, and she can't read yours.
I have been married for almost 5 years and that's just how it goes sometimes. The physicality of the relationship is important but what keeps you together is the love you have for one another.
If you would like more intimacy then just talk to her.
It may be very difficult for her since she's busy and doesn't live on her own. My solution for you is to get married. I'm serious. And if you are about her then get married. You'll be together and will have a stronger commitment to each other. Again, if it's only about sexuality and nothing else, then move on. (Or live with it.)

Answer 4

Okay, so you've been in this relationship for 2 years...from my own experience, yes, relationships do tend to slow down a bit in the intimacy factor after 1 year+; however, the physical intimacy in a healthy relationship doesn't completely die out. I think mostly you need to talk to her...ask her how she is feeling about your relationship, if she's having a hard time dealing with life and your relationship in respect to her life, etc. Maybe since you're not having actual sex, she feels like being physically intimate is sort of like wasted energy? Who knows. You just need to talk to her. You sound like a really nice guy, so it shouldn't be too hard for you to tell her tactfully that you feel like your physical intimacy is missing and you're wondering why, and if there is anything you and she both can do to improve things. Good luck!

Answer 5

Yes, as relationships go on, it's natural for both partners to settle in and get "comfortable". It's not at all uncommon.

She seems to have a lot going on in her life. That just adds or compounds the above situation.

It's a great idea that you are making the time to be with her. That's the answer right there; schedule dates with her, especially since she's hard pressed for time these days.

If she still won't have sex with you on these dates, then something else is happening. Talk to her and ask her what's going on.

Chances are it's just that she's got a lot on her plate right now and feels overwhelmed.

Answer 6

I like the idea of candles and dinner. Since you have been seeing each other for a while, you might be comfortable spicing it up and inviting her to take a scented bath or shower with you after you hug her and you dance close to each other.
You should be comfortable initiating as much sex as you need by now. Unless she refuses, you have no problem. If she refuses, tell her that you do not feel that having sex for you means maintaining the emtional intimacy.
If she does nto want to compromise, and you feel that having sex is important to you, you should move on.

Answer 7

maybe to add to all the stress and new things she has had to deal with, she was tired of being the one to initiate. maybe she would like for you to pursue her a little. i think dinner is a very good idea, flowers may still be a nice touch just to top things off. nice music. when she comes to stay with you is your big chance though she may be a little tired from her work week try and gage if she would like you to back up a bit or slow down. you don't want this nice caring thing you are doing for the two of you to turn into something bad....

Good Luck

Answer 8

Well, it sounds like just the normal relationship issues. Yes, with time the initial spark does cool down--but it also leads to a deeper emotional commitment, which is much better. With all that's been going on in her life, she might just be tired--also living with the parents doesn't leave much room for intimacy :) I wouldn't worry-with time things should go back to normal--it's just a phase.

Answer 9

Relationships...Brother their tough...but worth it...
It sounds like she is into you, just not wanting physical intimacy..It is tough for us guys and we internalize it. You sound like a great boyfriend. I think you should stay with it and let this valley run its course.
I am not sure how old you are but the dinner with candles is a great mood setter, creating a relaxed romantic atmosphere is a big deal. If you can get a bottle of wine for dinner that would be ideal. I am cheering for you..Head up and go forward...

Answer 10

Honestly, coming from a female perspective...
I know that when I'm not interested in physical activity, I do my best to keep busy or focus on things such as board games. If you say that she is the one that usually initiated contact before and now she's not...
maybe it's because she's sick of always having to do so. Step it up, be a man, and take initiative.