I need advice about my 3 year old step daughter...?

Question

My husband & I started visiting his daughter when she was 2 mo. old,long story..we visited her daily for 1 yr. but then didnt see her for 9 mo.we really missed her and decided we wanted joint custody of her & we got it,The first 4 visits @ our house went great, Then she started acting scared of us and now 9 months later she bawls when we pick her up BUT by the time we get to our car she is not crying and telling us she loves us. it takes her a couple of min. to really warm up to us. her mothers house is very dif. from ours, they cuss in front of her, & her mother is preg.& smokes in the house. shes completly potty trained here & but not at all there? she tells us she crys for us, & her mommy says no she cant have us. when we pick her up we feel horrible bc she crys and doesnt want to come with us We really feel like they tell her bad things about us especially her dad bc she sometimes wants nothing to do with him & it really makes him feel awful, shes almost 3 is it just her age???

we try not to say bad things about her mother or her other family in front of her but it seems like things are spiraling out of control lately, her paternal grandmother went to pick her up instead of us bc she wanted to take her to the park, well when she got there her mother wasnt even home with her it was her mothers bf who lives there with them, and he started cussing at the paternal grandmother and telling her if she had a problem with it tell her son (the dad) right in front of my step daughter and when my step daughter asked us about it we just said well he must not be a very nice guy, its very hard not to tell her how we really feel when were pretty sure there filling her little mind with bad thoughts of us! We would like to try to get full custody of her but it seems like the legal system is always on the mothers side and we want a good lawyer that can get us what we think is best for her we have kept a journal of all the bad things that happen & she tells us

Answer 1

wow...sounds like you have a big problem on your hands...if i was you I would sit down with her and tell her...."hey sweetie or whatever u call her...ur daddy and I want to have a talk with you..I mean i know she is three..but still u might be surprised at how much she might actually understand from this....I would be like...sweetie...which house do u like to be at better? and she would anwser and if she says ur house...then u need to tell her b like sweetie if you like coming here so much than why do u cry when we get ready to take you home with us...and if she says i dont know then i would be like...well i dont know either hunni but if you wanna come here with us..you need to stop crying cuz ur dad and i get the feeling that you dont wanna come and stay with us anymore...b like I dont know if your mom tells you anything about ur daddy and I but whatever she says its not true gurlie...be like ur daddy and i are good people and you have fun here dont ya?? just talk to her and tell her everything will be okay im 15 and i had these kinda of troubles with the lil 4 year old i was babysitting till i sat down with her and told her.. how much i loved to babysit her and how much i had fun spending time with her and playing with her when she got bored of playing on her own...good luck and if you need anymore help you can email me at [e-mail] im really smart on kids and i love helping people out!! GOOD LUCK and i hope everything goes well

Answer 2

I think part of it may be her age. But it sounds like this little girl has so many things going against her that she may be scared and confused. I would guess her mom is saying bad things about you both and she's scared of you two. It's not you're fault of course, and all you can do is help her realize that you are not the enemy. It sounds like there is some abuse at the house. I would talk to your husband and see what he thinks. Maybe it's time to call the authorities or go back to court. If she's being abused you need to fight for her. Otherwise she'll always think it's ok to be hurt. She will never trust anyone either. She needs help and you sound like you both can do it. I think the mother is doing something to make her afraid of you both. She has no right to do that. Just be there for the little girl and do what you probably already know that you have to do and protect her! She cannot protect herself and it's her father's responibilty to do so. I hope things work out.

Answer 3

No, it's not her age. It's her age to believe everything that leaves her mother's mouth though. Poor little thing. From your description of the house she's in, I would recommend going for custodial care of the child. Plan on paying a bit for the right lawyer. Ask around. Better to pay a few thousand more for one who will get it done. Start to keep a diary of what's going on at each visit. Depending on the state, you could record all the conversations when you have to call their house. In my state, only one side of the call needs to know. DOCUMENT. Get her medical records. This little girl needs some stability and someone who knows how to treat a little girl like a little girl, and not as a player in her parents problems.

Good luck to you sweetie. And thank you for being such a good step mom.

Answer 4

Sally, all children do this. She cries because she is used to living primarily with her mother and doesn't want to go, not because she doesn't love you both. Her Mommy probably tells her she cant have you right now, but will see Daddy and Sally next week, she may cry for her father and you because she misses you in between visits but children are little humans are are entitled to miss someone, but that doesn't make her mother a horrible person for telling her she cant have you, since it is the mothers time with the child.. Each persons home is different, please don't judge her mother, or believe me you will regret it and when the baby is an adolescent you will pay the price for doing it. Children cry and then stop, children don't do well with change even if it occurs every other weekend. I don't agree with her mother smoking in the house with children living there but the thing is, it is her house, and its not unusual for children to do one thing at the custodial parents home and another at the other parents home on a weekend visit, so don't be shocked she is potty trained in your home and not her mothers. I speak from experience.

Answer 5

The mother is putting thoughts in her head to weaken the relationship Perhaps confronting the mother when the child is not around may help but it could also hurt. Try to pacify the child and let her know it is wrong to talk bad about either of the parents. Take the love each side offers and do not let the nasty things done destroy the good things.

Answer 6

It's not just her age. The mother is using her as a pawn in the battle with your husband and this causes incredible stress, fear and insecurity in a child so young. The difference in environments is also a big factor because she never knows how to behave or where she stands. It is confusing. Also sounds like the environment is not very healthy for her at her mother's, so when she gets to you she is suffering from the effects of living in a chaotic environment. Also, I've seen something happen where a child is not allowed to cry or object to conditions at one place, so when s/he gets to a place where it is safe that's the first time s/he feels like s/he can cry and release his/her feelings. So ironically, it seems like she is only crying at the "good" place.

Answer 7

It sounds like her biological mom may have something to do with this. She's probably telling the little on e bad stuff about you guys so that she won't want to see you...the mom might feel threatened and insecure cause it sounds like the the enviroment you provide is much better then the moms. With young kids it's hard to talk to them but try...ask her why she feels sad when she cries. If it gets worse maybe counciling is in order. Her wetting her pants at home and not at your place sounds like a call for attention from her mom.

Good Luck

Answer 8

It only relies upon on if the bio-mom could be a reliable impression on the toddler's and the doorstep daughter's existence. If she basically calls some circumstances a year, then the doorstep daughter would possibly no longer prefer her in her existence precise now. i'm specific that's a stressful time and she or he only needs to encompass herself with people who're supportive, loving and could be there for her. i'm specific she will tell her while the time is stable.

Answer 9

Hiya. You answered your own question really. The poor little girl, look what she is exposed to at home. We have step children and it does take a few minutes maybe longer for them to interact with us when they arrive at our place, it has been for years. Dont speak bad about the other parent in front of her, leave that as 'grownup stuff' give her the most fun she has ever seen! It doesnt have to cost money, she will remember this. Good luck.

Answer 10

I went through the same thing with my daughter when she was three. Age has nothing to do with it, though. Her mom is probably filling her impressionable little mind with a lot of lies. Trust me, people do this to their own children. My daughter used to cry when it was time to leave her daddy's and come back to mama's.

She's three, and it's stressful. Just keep showing her you love her, and it will all work out.