My fiance and I have been together for 1 1/2 yrs. We also live together. He has an 8 yr old girl whom I love like my own. SInce day one I have taken an active role in her life. I go to school functions like open house, I help with homework, etc but I also take part in the discipline. Moreso now that we are getting married and I will soon be her stepmom. She and I have a wonderful relationship but I have never and would never try to replace her mother. We have custody of her 3 1/2 days a week. Recently she asked me to sign up to be a room mother for her class because I dont work. Unfortunately I missed the signup because we never got the memo from school telling when it was. Last week her mother called me up screaming and cussing me out about being too active in her daughters life. I tried to explain to her that I'm not just some girlfriend that could be gone any day. My fiance and I are getting married next march. I told her that I am trying to be an active part of her daughters life.
2006-11-16 04:53:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
She screamed that I had no right to attend her open house and that she purposely threw away the note about the room mother sign up because it made her look like a bad mom that I was signing up and she wasnt. I tried to explain that since she works she couldnt volunteer and that her daughter asked me to. She then said that I had no right to take part in the raising or disciplining of her daughter. (BTW we dont spank so punishment is grounding or lose of allowance) I said that as long as I live here and am marrying her father I had every right to discipline her and demand her respect as her stepmom. She said that she was so mad she was ready to kick some a**. I said well if thats what you want. My fiance thinks that next time this happens we should call the police. He and his ex have a very volitile relationship but I have never been anything but nice. I know she badmouths me to her daughter. Any Advice?
2006-11-16 04:58:55 · update #1
I know she is not jealous of my relationship with my fiance b/c they HATE each other. It is hard to just make the best of it when I am afraid she will show up one day and kick my butt. She has been on antipsychotic meds in the past and she got arrested for beating up her own husband (not my fiance another guy)
2006-11-16 05:01:13 · update #2
I dont prevent her from being mom, I only take part in activities my step daughter askes me to and her mom attends them as well. Her teaches know I am not her mom I make that clear to everyone necessary.
2006-11-16 05:03:15 · update #3
one more thing, I never let her get me angry I kept my cool the whole time. What concerns me is that my step daughter was home with her mom and hear only her side of the convo, during which her mom not only badmouthed me but also badmouthed her father. I have no idea how my step daughter reacted to this or how much she heard
2006-11-16 05:46:11 · update #4
My fiance and his ex split when his daughter was only 1 and she allowed her new husband to be very involved in her life she even tried to tell her daughter to call him dad, and told my fiance to get over it.
2006-11-17 02:40:11 · update #5
hmmm, been there, am there. My husband has 2 children with his ex partner. We have 1 together and 1 on the way, and I have 2 with my ex partner.
Both our exes are psycho. So from both our sides I can relate.
I'm sorry to say there isn't a whole lot you can do to change it , of course, but how you deal with it well....we just have to suck it up sometimes.
Let them fly off the handle if thats what they need. Maybe they are feeling like their losing control or just feel the need to 'show' you she has the upper hand. blah blah blah. Keep your cool. Never try to over explain yourself. Just keep that nice civil smile on your face...And ask her 'what it is that she wants'? Almost guaranteed it will throw her off. Or ask 'what do you want me to do?'
Of course you can be subtle or evasive and tell her you will 'think about it' if she gives you a suggestion.
On the other hand If you can get her to communicate more openly about what it is that she really wants or hopes to see, then you can empower her by telling her she has a good idea, or you never looked at it that way...hoping that civility can always be present in the future between the adults.
Telephone calls, harrassing or such, yelling , rudeness, or changes in the child's attitude or approach to you should all be documented , in case you need it in the future if things get ugly. get a notebook or journal and jot down all little things starting now!! You will be happy you did if like i said, things turn ugly later on, and you need lawyers and courts.
good luck
2006-11-16 05:11:38 · answer #1 · answered by tj 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Even though you're not doing anything wrong, you would be doing something right by backing off. It would be totally different if your fiance and she got along and communicated, but where they hate each other, it complicates things.
Put yourself in her shoes. She probably doesn't know you very well and is a little freaked out that someone she's not close with is so much in her daughter's life. It also probably makes her feel horrible that she HAS to work and can't be as involved with her daughter as any mother would like to, and here you are more than eager to jump in (ouch! Good, but painful, intention!). Especially if she used to be able to enjoy a more comfortable life as a co-parent, not a single parent. And now she has to struggle while he ex has been able to find a new family to lean on.
You need to accpet that this is making her hurt and feel bad, and respect that by just not overdoing the involvement with her daughter YOU can take that pain away from her. Surely, some of the stress is wearing off on the child as well.
You are not the girl's mom, but you are now part of the parenting team that includes her mom, and as a teammate you need to work together. Just go ahead and be the bigger person here, because it doesn't cost you a thing, and it's the gracious thing to do. By showing the mom respect by backing off, she is more likely to warm to you, and hopefully over time you'll be able to become more involved without ruffling any feathers.
Otherwise, you'll never get anywhere butting heads, and the child will suffer.
2006-11-16 21:44:04 · answer #2 · answered by Emily O 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The "mother" is probably jealous someone else is taking on some of the responibility of being a mother to her daughter. Maybe you and your fiance (x-wife) should all sit down and have a talk to let her know you are not taking her daughter away from her, you are just doing what is best for the child. The child probably likes you more than her mother since you are giving her attention her mom isn't?
2006-11-16 13:00:57 · answer #3 · answered by moaehahi1979 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Not too much you can do. But Whatever you do- dont talk about her in front of the daughter. That creates all kinds of nastiness and gives the daughter fuel to fire up mom when the time is right. (All kids have a manipulative bone) Also, Flip things on the mom. Tell her she is welcome to come into your home and check things out for herself- you have nothing to hide. Tell her you are co parenting so if she ever needs help with the school functions you are there for that and for her daughter. Its not personal. Surely sounds like your intentions are good and you care for the little girl.
BUT STAY CALM! Cant you see she wants to get a rise out of you?? Saying she will kick your *** is just trying to get your spun up so she can say you are crazy.
2006-11-16 13:30:49 · answer #4 · answered by jeweledfruit 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like you are doing what you can. The mother may just be jealous of your relationship with her daughter. The only thing you can do is let time heal, mostly for her. I'm sure it will get worse the closer the wedding comes, so don't be surprised. Only time will make her better, unfortunately for you, you'll just have to deal with her until then.
2006-11-16 13:02:56 · answer #5 · answered by purpledragonflyjrh 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If her mother wants you to back off a little you have to respect that. It's not worth the problems that it will cause the child by her mother getting upset with her. She feels threatened by you so just give it time.
2006-11-16 12:58:58 · answer #6 · answered by mary3127 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I would just try to sit down with her and tell her that you aren't trying to replace her, although you are going to be his wife and her stepmother. If she doesn't understand then just try to make the best of it. You can't let her affect your and your fiance's relationship though. Don't make it so he is torn between 2 people.
2006-11-16 12:57:32 · answer #7 · answered by EmotionalStrength1022 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Back off. She is still the child's parent. You've overstepped your boundaries.
Why are you asking for advice if you don't want to hear it? You seem pretty defensive. Maybe it is time for all of you to find a family counselor who can help you figure it out.
2006-11-16 12:59:38 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Shes just jealous. Put yourself in her shoes. You should understand that it has to be hard on her not having her daughter all to herself . not being the only women in her life. It does not mean that you have to do less with her just understand how she feels. good luck.
2006-11-16 12:57:23 · answer #9 · answered by littleluvkitty 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
sounds like you need to back up and let mom be mom. you have overstepped your bounds.. you need to remember your not her mom. apparently her mom is in her life and wants to be mom so back off on getting in to every little thing you are hurting the mom
2006-11-16 12:59:02 · answer #10 · answered by kleighs mommy 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋