Who is the selfish one? me or my boyfriend?

Question

We have been dating for 4 years and 1/2. We love each other very much, We've been together in good and bad times..always! We have never spent a holiday together...that situation make sme very angry. My boyfriend's mother, brothers, uncles, aunts etcc HATE ME! I didn't provoke their hate ok. This thanksgiving My parents invited my boyfriend to spend the whole week in Mexico so that He could finally meet the rest of my family. My boyfriend knows how important it is for me... but He told me that He always spends holidays with his family. He refuses to go. I feel sad, horrible! SAD! We plan on getting married in 1 yr or 2 so I really don't know why He never takes me as someone important. What should I do? I am thinking of forcing him to go with me. Who is the selfish one here? I am very sad....

Well... His family hates me because we broke up like a year ago..and it wa sbecause he chated on me and then I took revenge...it sounds stupid but I was not thinking straight.

Answer 1

Oh, I've been there, believe me!!! I, too, have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, and we have a great, rock-solid relationship. However, until very recently, his family was sort of a major bone of contention between us. One Christmas, his family went to spend the holiday in Santa Fe at his grandparents' house, and I was actually asked to please not attend, as it was a "family only" event. As if that wasn't enough, I was left out of the family drawing for presents (everyone puts their name in a hat and whoever's name you draw is the person you buy a Christmas gift for), because once again, it was "family only." I was so angry!!!!!!! Luckily, my boyfriend stuck up for me to his mother, who had proposed the idea of me not coming along to Santa Fe, and he made a big deal out of it, saying that if I wasn't invited, he wasn't going along either. In the end, he did go ahead and go without me, because I didn't think it was a good idea to start World War 3 with my future in-laws over it, but it was nice that he was willing to start a huge thing for my benefit. Since then, we've had 2 more Christmases, and I have been included in their activities both times. Still, though, there is a problem with his family always sort of just telling us when to show up and then getting mad if we're (or at least he's) not there. One Thanksgiving, his brother totally tore him a new one over the phone because he had opted to come to my mom's Thanksgiving dinner instead of his family's. Ever since, my mom has been super accomodating and has actually cooked her dinner the night before Thanksgiving for 2 years in a row, just so his mom can have her dinner on the actual day and not have a cow about it. This year, he's going to have to eat 2 separate Thanksgiving dinners because his mom's having hers in the afternoon and my mom's is that night. After getting totally ripped into that one year, though, I can't imagine him ever turning down his family's holiday invite again, though.

However, his family is not the only problem at the holidays. My family is very small, just my mom, my brother, my uncle in Chicago, and me. Because of that, and also because my brother and uncle don't always make it in for Christmas, leaving just my mom and me, I usually opt to spend Christmas with her because I couldn't stand to think of her alone on Christmas, and also because we are really close and get along so well. My popint is, when it comes to holidays and family gatherings, my boyfriend and I are both sort of selfish in our own ways. Like I mentioned before, though, we come up with ways to compromise so we can spend as much of the holidays together as possible without offending any family members. I think your boyfriend should also think of a way to do this. Maybe he could fly into Mexico for a couple of days prior to Thanksgiving and fly back to be wtih his family for the actual day. Or, is it possible to extend the invite to his immediate family members too? If you're all going to be in-laws someday, there's no time like the present to have a holiday celebration all together (of course they'd have to be responsible for their own travel arrangements.) Whatever you do, please remember that the holidays only happen once a year, and for the other 300+ days, you and he have all the time in the world together. As far as your future in-laws hating you goes, that's the way it is sometimes. Just try to limit contact with them as much as possible, and when you do have to see them, be cordial and polite but take it no further than that. Sometimes people just have their opinions and you can't change them. Sorry I wrote for so long, but this topic is a very important one to me.

Answer 2

That is a hard question. I feel for both of you!! I can understand why you want him to go and why he's passing up Mexico with you, I don't know. He must be crazy!!! I would want him to come with me too. But, then I can see his case too. I have always done Holidays with my family and I would feel terrible saying I'm not going to be there. But, then again they should understand at least this one time. See, my brother just got married to this girl and she's pretty much quite coming around and my brother doesn't come around anymore either. We feel like she's taken him away from us because he's become someone totally different than we know he is. Maybe that's how is family feels. Tough question. I understand both sides. I would just sit down with him and tell him this really, really means a lot to you. That's the best you can do. If that doesn't work then maybe you need to rethink your relationship. What if you guys have kids...how are the holidays going to work then???

Answer 3

Yeah, seems like you are not meant to be together.

You come off as selfish b/c you only say that you did not provoke your bf's family to be angry with you. But I am not seeing any reference to you trying to figure out where the problem is and try to rectify it.

He is definitely selfish in that he is not taking the opportunity to get to know your family. He needs to grow up and realize that, while family is family, you are now a new chapter in his life. What does he think married life is going to be like? Only on his terms? Holidays spent only with his family?
Unless, you are ok with the prospect of always doing things his way and be miserable in the presence of his family - then by any means let him get away with this little tantrum.

Otherwise, talk and resolve, or, umm, dump him.

PS - I don't really understand how you can say that you are always together through bad times, when clearly you have so many unresolved issues.

Answer 4

It's hard to say, when we all don't really know the "whole" story.

Some people spend all their holiday's with their own famlies. Sence he's not married to you yet, maybe he doesn't feel the seperation from famlies on holidays is something he cares to do right now.

Why do you say his whole family hates you?? Hate is a strong word, and people usually have a reason to hate...what did you do to them?

Can I also ask, IF they hate you, why in the world would you want to become a part of a family who have nothing good to say about you?

I'm thinking your the selfish one right now, because we're only hearing half of a story.

Answer 5

Unfortunately it sounds as if your man is only telling his family half truths about you. And be real girl your family is important to you just as much as his is to him.If you want it to work your going to have to compromise Thanksgiving with your family means Christmas with his on so on.You should invite his mother to your house for supper and discuss her issues with you cause no matter how much you love each other if his family doesn't like you it won't last.He'll end up feeling torn between you and his family and you don't want that.And family tends to win in the end.I wish you the best of luck.I defiantly know what your going through.

Answer 6

There is plenty of time to spend your holidays together. Right now, cherish the time you each have with your families and don't try to force each other away.

BTW, you didn't ask this, but you might seriously think about maryring someone whose family hates you. That family will be around forever because your kids will be their grandkids, nieces, cousins, etc. It won't be fair to your children to keep them away from your (now) bf's family. So,either find a way to get along with them or seriously consider marrying someone else.

Answer 7

I think he should compromise and go with you. Wht would his family hate you so much? Are they just the type that think they are better than other people or what? It would be totally selfish of him to not go with you and not have you with his family either. Good Luck!
P.S. - remember if you marry this guy who has a family like that you will probably have to put up with them forever on hoildays or else sit home alone while he is with them.

Answer 8

I don't have all the details, but if you've spent every Christmas with his family, then he should either go with you, or not make you feel guilty for going alone.

However, this could be a HUGE indicator of married life, so think carefully. Generally, people are on their best behaviors before you get married, so if it is bad now, it will most likely get worse.

Good luck.

Answer 9

I think he is selfish. His family needs to learn to except you so that you and your man can have your holidays together.It's not fair that you 2 have to be apart. He should go with you to Mexico this year and spend the next with his family with you by his side.You said you have done nothing to make them hate you.I don't understand why they do unless it's just jealousy.They need to get over what ever it is.What if you 2 decide to have a baby.The baby is welcome but you're not?? I don't think so.Maybe ya'll all need to get together and discuss what the problem is.I wish you luck and your boyfriend needs to do some serious thinking about who is important.I know his family is, but by God YOU are too!!

Answer 10

seems like you two still have a lot of quirks to mend if you are planning to get married in a year or so. You two have to learn how to accommodate each other. for example, on thanksgiving, instead of bickering on where to go, make compromises like this year, you will go with him to his family then next year, he has to go to your family. Or you can do it every holiday like thankgiving with his family, christmas with your family and then new year by yourselves. That way, you dont have to fight over where to go during the holidays.
Learn to compromise, thats the only way.