A great friend of mine has a 13 year old child who's father nor his family has seen. Yes they knew but denied it, they had chances but gave excuses! She tried on and off for years to locate for child support but failed. Not to mention she was doing fine and was angry saying they didn't deserve the child. Now he's older he's going through the "finding himself" and wants to know. So she located them through PI....wrote a letter with a self addressed stamped envelope for then to return it (the grandmother)....Well it's been a while with no response(she left e-mail, phone and address). The child really wants to know....but she is regardless doing the child support thing.....she should!Should she take the child to the address or just let it go(child asked her to do that)????? What would you do??? She is a WONDERFUL Mother but I have no answers ...Should she take the child to the address or just let it go?????What would you do???
2006-11-16 03:41:39 · 21 answers · asked by ~Another Day~ 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Don't get me wrong....She is SO good with him. He's very mature for his age. The letter had pics thru the years and alot of info
of him and his interests. And that she was making a plea to try to help her child nothing was mentioned about child support to the Grandmother that I saw. But regardless I say she still not go to but the child is persistant to meet but angry at Dad! She has him in counseling since this all popped up......but he is really stressed over this......she even more so because she knows they really don't care and she has been there all along they have not! Nice people huh?...ugh!
2006-11-16 13:11:30 · update #1
NO, do not take the child to the address. Two things could happen.
She takes him there and they are angry and any of these things can happen: the adults start yelling at eachother, accusations fly, they deny the child any affection, they say cruel things to the child. That will scar him for life. It will do more harm than good.
or
She takes him there, they get one look at him, give him a hug and invites him inside and apologizes for ignoring his existance for 13 years. They offer him cookies and milk and ask if he could spend the weekend with them.
Which do you think is more likely? If it were my child and I was unsure which scenario might happen I wouldn't chance it. Tell your friend to keep sending letters. Have her son write them letters. And hey, if she happens to know when they'll be at the grocery store and happens to be shopping there too with her son, there is nothing that says the son can't go up and say "hi grandma".
Best of luck
2006-11-16 03:52:21 · answer #1 · answered by gypsyintexas 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the child is that interested in who the father is then I think the mother should let the child get the answers instead of her for her child. What I mean is if the mother knows where the father is then have the child write the letter to the father and have the take it to the mail box. Let the child do all the work. The child will soon find out that the father really is a deadbeat and not worth tracking down. If the child wants to know about the father then find pictures of him and talk to some old friends that he use to hang around with. That is all you can do.
2006-11-16 03:46:03 · answer #2 · answered by tjnw79 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't take the child to the address. They obviously don't want contact with him and to just take him there puts him at risk of being hurt further be being rejected in person. She is just going to have to be honest with him and tell him that for some reason, that has NOTHING to do with him, they don't wan to be a part of his life. I would give him all the contact info I had and tell him when he's older, maybe he can try again to make contact, but not to hold up too much hope they will come around. It's a sad situation for him, but he needs to know the truth. Just make sure he knows how much he is loved and wanted by his mother. That's all that can be done for him at this point. Some adults punish the kids for the sins of their parents. I'm assuming they don't like his mother, and are unwilling to accept her son because of that. There's not a lot that can be done to change their minds. Maybe she could send a few photo's to them so they can see him, I'm not sure.
2006-11-16 03:48:28 · answer #3 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's a tough one. I think she should go on her own first and see their reaction and confirm whether they want to meet him or not. Taking him there directly before talking to anyone might cause a very traumatic experience for the child if a negative reaction is given. No child wants to feel rejected from their parent and if they treat it this way he could become scarred from the experience. Maybe even try to work out meeting in a restaurant for dinner or at a park. It really all depends on the other family and it seems fro mwhat you are saying that they are really not interested. This is a sad situation.
2006-11-16 03:48:58 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, if there has been no response to the letter that was written, going to the house with the child is probably a bad idea. If that side of the family wanted contact, they would have taken the opportunity when the letter arrived. Taking her to the house will probably only end up with her being hurt, confused and disappointed.
2006-11-16 03:46:41 · answer #5 · answered by bizou_bear 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would have the child write a letter. I may be more heartfelt to his dad's family. They may realize that the boy is really trying to find his father instead of his mom for child support (even though she deserves it). If not, then maybe take the child to the address.
2006-11-16 03:56:33 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Going to the address isn't a bad idea, but your friend should first make sure she's SURE the child, even though 13, is really sure he/she knows that they could be rejected by whom ever at the address.
She needs to warn him not to get his hopes up at all.
IS the child old enough, mature enough to handle rejection right now. These are the most important things to not just think, but KNOW.
2006-11-16 03:48:55 · answer #7 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really feel for her. My 10 yr old is going through the same thing (except he saw that family til he was 5 and remembers being abandoned) I think she needs to let him know that she tried contacting them and that at his age she doesn't want him to have a confrontation with them. Then she needs to keep up with where they are at so when he's 18 he can go do it. She might want to consider getting him some counseling too. I know that's somewhat helping my son and during family sessions my husband (whose been there since he was 1) and I have been candid with him about everything with his dad (after okaying it with the counselor that it wasn't too much for him) I really wish them the best....this is a hard situation to be in.
2006-11-16 03:48:31 · answer #8 · answered by . 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think I'd bring the child to the address as you don't know how "ugly" things might become if going there unannounced. Poor kid....he is better off without that side of the family. They sound like deadbeats and losers. So sad. I'd drop it for now. When the child is older he can search them out on his own.
2006-11-16 03:45:33 · answer #9 · answered by Christabelle 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
don't force it. If the family doesn't want anything to do with him, forcing will just make things alot worse. Maybe the child should write a letter asking questions. Seeing his handwriting might change the mind of the family. Have the child write about his life, like friends and school and pastimes.
2006-11-16 03:45:32 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋