I’ve reconnected with a friend after several years. When I met her I was a tenant in the large house she and her husband owned. She was a step-mom to 4 kids and none of her own. She an interesting approach to step-parenting. She didn’t follow the conventional wisdom that says for the step-parent to for example, “always remain loving, open, accepting and there for them even when they act out with hostility and hatred towards you b/c you are an easy target for their rage over parents breaking up.” In fact she did just the OPPOSITE! If teen step-son was sarcastic and disdainful of her she did the same to HIM! If step daughter ignored her she would return the favor and IGNORE the 13 yr old right BACK! And so on. Now kids are all successful adults and out of the house. They seem to LOVE her more than their natural parents! She gets calls, gifts, accolades, etc. on constant basis.Is this just some weird fluke or does she have it right and the "experts" have it wrong about how to step-parent?
2006-11-16 00:23:31 · 8 answers · asked by zoe_southernusa 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Can a person really say they are marrying the step kids as well as their new husband or wife. This meaning they TRULY unconditionally love these kids no matter what, they put their needs first, not because they have to but because they truly want to. Every consequence they enforce is TRULY done so for the well being of the child. They don't consider these kids step kids but their kids. If they have children they consider their step kids, equal to their kids. Unless your one of those rare few, stay out of the discipline.
That is the true test of all tests. If you can ask yourself those questions and TRULY answer correctly then i see no problem with step parents enforcing consequences.
The problem is that of the hundred plus step families I know, THREE, ONLY THREE FAMILY'S I WOULD QUALIFY TREATING THEIR OWN CHILDREN THE SAME AS THEIR STEP KIDS. (side note - of those three, all are have adopted children in the past, and have adopted their step kids, so i think it's a certain mentality you need to have for the job) Fact of the matter is that most step parents see their new step kids as little more then a pain in the rear, who interferes with "their new marriage" So ya I think most step parents are scum. I worry more about the children's well being, I could give a dam about parents thinking they need to be remarried, RAISE YOUR KIDS, once your kids are 18 fine, go get remarried.
2006-11-16 02:03:10 · answer #1 · answered by olschoolmom 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In any relationship the two people assume one of three different roles; Child, Teacher(or authority figure), Adult.
Conventional wisdom suggests that a step-parent not assume the role of Teacher (authority figure). Your example above for the role would be Adult, "open, accepting, reasoable, always there"
Your friend did not take the role of Teacher, but instead took the role of "Child". Because of this, the step-parent is probably looked on now as a peer friend, and therefore may well be seemingly loved more than her biological parents.
I would not credit her for the great kids, that would have had to be the authority figure, and great credit must be given to him... for he had 4 kids plus one he married.
2006-11-16 01:54:44 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Every family is going to have different dynamics. I'm in a situation where I am more of a buddy than disciplinarian. I am also coming in after a former wicked stepmother and a mother that is selfish and neglectful. I never imagined myself in the role of stepmom, and feel like since most this child's personality had been shaped prior to me joining the family, it's best for me to take on the role of friend. I'm very lucky as the 14 year old is an amazing kid. Sure there are bumps along the way, but none of them include disrespectfulness. I truly have to hand it to his father because he raised a wonderful and sweet child. All I can think of is the golden rule.....do unto others. I mean if he was a brat and treated me like crap I would have a talk with his father and together I think we would address it. They did have this problem with the former stepmom, but she treated him like she was her servant. I cannot imagine being treated like that, and I sure cannot imagine wanting to be nice to to anyone that treated me like that. But like i said every person is different and the dynamics are always changing. I think each person has to work really hard to figure out how to make a blended family work for them. Sometimes the wicked stepmom is gonna work better, but for me I find being a friend has earned me respect and a place in this child's heart forever.
2006-11-16 00:38:24 · answer #3 · answered by amandapanda74 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sure it was a combo of love and disapline or it wouldn't of worked. She obviously found a way that connected with them and understood there personalities. I think playing the nice and loving guy all the time will only set you up for failure, she treat them like kids not step kids and that what worked maybe it was easier because she didn't have any of her own or maybe she is just wise but either way Kudos. No these young adult have a postive role model to help them through life.
2006-11-16 01:00:42 · answer #4 · answered by Ann D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that was a way different approach. i wonder how she would of treated her own kids if she had any? maybe your friend did a bit more than she told u. u wasn't there everyday of her life and people sometimes don't realize all the good they did. sometimes when we talk about parenting to others we ussually talk about the discipline part and we don't talk about what we do to to show them love.
maybe she was loving and open and accepting with them. to find this out u would have to ask the kids. they might have viewed her differently than your friend viewed herself.
maybe the 13 year old was not ignoring her stepmom. sometimes young teens don't always want to talk, sometimes they want to be left alone and given space and thats what her stepmom did for her.
2006-11-16 00:32:30 · answer #5 · answered by Miki 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It depends on the household. She did something right because kids who can't stand their parents, don't come back to visit as adults.
2006-11-16 00:57:57 · answer #6 · answered by luvmuzik 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tact is a matter for circumstamnces.
I doubt that that was the only way she parented them.
She surely must have gotten their respect with the :LOVE" as well.
2006-11-16 00:40:34 · answer #7 · answered by foulweathercatcherman 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
write a book
2006-11-16 00:35:48 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋