I would like parenting advice on shyness...?

Question

I have a very shy 9 year old daughter...she's terrified of trying new things in front of other kids, and speaks so quietly in class that no one can hear her. She is also so shy that she doesn't express her emotions until they are extreme...I've never been shy at all, so it is difficult for me to relate...I'd LOVE to help her be more comfortable and less self conscious but nothing I say seems to work...any concrete advice on helping her?

Answer 1

Okay, what she needs is a way to be someone she is not (does that make sense?) I would strongly suggest drama / acting classes or even puppetry (if face to face is too daunting).

Some kind of emotions scale (colours, facial expressions etc) where she can relfect on her emotions and they can be recognised, perhaps even some "secret" signals between you and her that she can use to get out of situation that is just too much.

I would ask her teacher to do the same thing - use visual / material matter to express herself first, and a 'secret' handsign that she can do to let the teacher know its too much.
I use this technique with a child in my class - and I always make sure I talk to her before school each day to see how she is feeling about the day ahead and what worries might be in her mind and I can be aware of those things throughout the day and help her manage.
Ask the teacher to give you an outline so that she can prepare for any upcoming events / activities that might be daunting so she can practice / get used to it first - every teacher has a program so it's not like you're asking for too much.
This is really something you need to work on with the teacher so that you are approaching it from home AND school, so there is continuity and support wherever she is!

Answer 2

Enroll her in some activities outside of school. Martial arts are excellent at building self-esteem and confidence, I've seen my daughter become much more outgoing since she started taking karate. I also have my daughter in dance classes, they are excellent too, I never would have thought she'd have the confidence to get up on a stage and perform at a recital, but she did! This was a little girl who was so shy that she would stand off to the side and not participate in dance classes at all. Take into account what interests your daughter has and find an activity for her. Art classes might be good for her, she won't have to be talking to people all the time, and she probably has some deep talents that she's not able to show-case due to her shyness, but as she blossoms and gets praise for her work, her confidence will begin growing. And be very patient with her, I grew up with kids who were extremely shy, and bloomed and became confident, capable, outspoken adults. Just praise your daughter for everything good that she does and don't focus on her shyness.

Answer 3

I was extremely shy as a child and I have a couple of theories as to why. I had a good childhood but I was not really encouraged to make friends. My parents were very overprotective and really sheltered me so I was not exposed to very many social settings. Also my Dad, as well meaning as he was, teased me alot and did not realize that it was hurting my confidence. I think you are making the right first step by realizing that this is important and trying to help. Being shy was a painful experience for me and can cause problems in school etc. It is normal for children to go through a shy stage but if it is ongoing I would try to nip it in the bud. I would try to give your daughter more responsibilities at home to show her that you trust in her abilities. Give her lots of praise. Sign her up for sports or some other extra activities and let her do this on her own without too much involvement on your part. That way this activity is her accomplishment, something she does all by herself. This will help with her confidence and make her feel more grown up. It may be hard for her at first but if it is something she enjoys it will be an easier transition.
Good luck

Answer 4

My Grandaughter was like this to the point she suffered depression.Her parents talked to the school teacher who made her do some special tasks for the teacher so she felt important .Secondly the teacher would get her to read something simple in front of the class then as she progresed the reading was made harder .Also getting her to write about her favorite things and read that to the class my grandaughter loved horses so she wrote about them.And at the start of each term after school holidays she would have to write about what she did during school holidays others had to do the same so she did not fell she was the only one doing these things after a month or 2 she was more confident and had made more friends as they found common interests .You can also get her to read at home something easy so you can praise her afterwards it all helps but the teachers help is most important.

Answer 5

Well ............................you can start by spending time with her. Try to ask her questions on why she has this problem and make her feel comfortable by showing her a fun game or something you knew since childhood to lighten up the moment between you two if everything starts to crumble. In the end just ask what she likes to do and do it to make her more confident. Tell her word's witch she can remember when she gets self-conscious. Remember to never use brutes to get it out of her. you can make her more confident too by making her hear song's that give good feeling's.

Answer 6

my daughter was the same, even worse a few years ago. She would run and hide whenever we had company! It was terrible, she would not even greet people when they said hello to her. I use to get so furious that she was like that. Be patient she may grow out of it. You could try bringing her out with you as much as possible. Get her use to be around groups of people. Is she into sports? That is a GREAT way to help her out. It helped my girl so much, after she joined t-ball, she was much better. or maybe Girl Scouts, any thing that involves groups. Church youth groups are also good. Once my daughter got involve din cheer leading, church youth groups, and t-ball she became a different person!

Answer 7

helping a child to be confident starts as young as possible. often children become to timid when the people they are around have strong personalities or are discouraging of them. also, if you show any sort of self-conscienceness... (sp!!!) she can adapt it into her own personality. helping her to be less shy isn't going to be easy, you've just got to be really encouraging. also, when punishing a timid child its easy to over do it with intimidation which will make her more meek. most kids grown out of it if supported. sorry if i don't help, but i'm sure you'll get plenty of advice as many people have this problem. :)

ah! ask her about herself. ask her what she likes, showing intrest will make her feel more important and boost her confidence.

Answer 8

I was always a shy person too.... and ended up speaking in front of larger groups of people on a regular basis.

My daughter was following in her dad's footsteps, so I took action as soon as I recognized it.

The only way I know is the "throw the kid in the pond to learn to swim" method.

However in hindsight, I wish I had been able to start in a smaller pool...

I would suggest signing your family up for Karate lessons at the local YMCA. Make sure you can do it as a family, your daughter will do it because you and the rest of the family is there too. Karate will help her to developer self confidence.

When I took my daughter to the park, I would always have to play with her, as she would never want to talk to anyone else. I could see she wanted to play, but couldn't ask anyone. So, since I was playing anyhow, I would invite the other kids to play with us. Each time she would eventually warm up to the other kids and I would be able to stop, while they played by themselves. After many visits to the park I noticed the time it took to "warm up" grew less. Today, I still have to "make introductions" asking the children what their names are and then introducing my daughter to them, but then they go to play....

Also we are very active in church, which is a great place for kids to talk and get comfortable around other kids. At school last year, I was asked to help on the school play. My daughter of course refused to have any part with it. She did help with the construction of the set (because she was with me) and since many of the actors also helped she got to know many of them. After seeing how fun it was, she decided this year she would be in the play.

I can now force myself to be outgoing when I need to. By nature I am (as my wife and son say) anti-social. You however are already given the gift of being outgoing, so use this to initiate circumstances for your child to be uncomfortable in. It is the only concrete advice I know that worked for me, by doing uncomfortable things, over and over again, you gain some level of comfort.... and eventually the fun you can have outweighs the uncomfortableness of the situation.

Answer 9

you're going off to varsity, you may desire to realize that that's what college is: a clean journey. Leaving your place and being on your man or woman is, for my section, the superb thank you to recover from your shyness.

Answer 10

I think being encouraging will help, but remember since you are her Mom, nothing you say matters! (Which gets worse as she gets older!) Try talking to her pediatrician and see if he/she has any suggestions. If it really gets severe I think you should try having her speak with a counselor.