This has never happened to me before...How can I deal with something this unthinkable?

Question

I’m eighteen. My brothers are sixteen and ten. My older brother abuses my younger brother physically and verbally sometimes. He beats and screams at him and calls him names. Yesterday they were fighting as soon as they came home from school and my kid brother got whacked twice and he was crying lying on the floor. I called my mother and asked her to warn my older brother to stop. My older brother talked to her while calling me names and threatening to beat me up. After the call, he was sitting with my younger brother and my younger brother cried out again. I broke them up and he hit me. I had my arm around his neck then he had me head locked and I punched his face. It stopped there. He wasn’t bleeding but his forehead had deep red bruises. I apologized again and again and bought him an ointment from the local drugstore. We agreed not to let our parents know and he was wearing an icecap this morning. I’ve never beaten anybody up before. I’m ashamed and feel terribly guilty...

What can I do to make it up for him? Is there any kind of special makeup he can cover his bruises with so our parents won’t know we fought like beasts? Did I do the right thing by standing up for my younger brother, or have I just acted like a thug by doing what I did to my older one? I really need help.

I'm a male.

Answer 1

No, you did the right thing! Please let your parents even see this comment. If they are reasonable they will understand. Someone has to stand for the 10 year old. The 16 yr old is acting like a bully and that needs to stop. Your parents will hopefully pick up on the fact that all 3 of you have some different needs. The 10 yr old will need to learn how to cope with this kind of abuse. The 16 yr old is dealing with anger in a negative way. He is probably angry at something not related to the 10 yr old directly but taking it out on him (scapegoating). Hitting is not the answer but by hitting your brother,you sent a message to your 16 yr old brother and that is not to mess with your 10 yr old brother or he'll have to deal with you. And in doing so you let your little brother know he will be protected. He needs to feel secure. We were 4 siblings, latch-key kids as well growing up. The second child was my sister, 2 years older than me, and she used to beat me up for years. I quit telling my parents because since they couldn't figure out who started things they would ground us both. So I'd end up beat up AND grounded. One day when I turned about 11 or 12 and more athletic, it came to me that I could take her. So, when she raised her arm at me, I went after her like there was no end. She left me alone after that. She tried other non-physical things like locking me out of the house or our bedroom for a few more years after that but the physical abuse stopped. The other stuff just made me stronger. I beg you to talk to your parents. My recommendation for them would be to either arrange to have a sitter, someone other than you for them in the house. Because they are likely to behave and listen to a stranger. Another option is to simply make arrangements for either one of your brothers to stay elsewhere until your parents come home. My guess is that you are in charge since you are the oldest. I'm sure your parents are thinking they don't need a sitter because you guys should know how to get along by now. And I have no doubt that you all do know how to behave but all it takes is for one not to behave, in this case your 16 yr old brother. Don't be afraid of the bruise you left on your brother, this will just show your parents how heated the fights are really getting that this was the only way you thought you could stop it. I beg you to follow my advice. When I was younger I didn't know I could have stopped the abuse had I sat down and had a heart to heart with my parents. As a kid I never thought that way. One day, my oldest sister caught my bully sister bullying me over a remote control. She tried to take the remote and unplug the tv and somehow ended up with a bloody nose. It felt like a very sad moment, I was sad and yet relieved I wasn't the only one who got hurt. Someone else could feel what it was like. You bet my parents found out about it! You'd be glad to know we are all married now and have children of our own and for the most part we get along and there's nothing we wouldn't do for each other. (I have no doubt that my sister could have benefited from some counseling back then though), I'm VERY watchful when I suspect the older boys are bullying the little ones, but only because I've been there before. Please, please, I beg you, tell your parents or it might go on for a long time. Someone could end up badly hurt too. I hope your parents understand and won't end up grounding you or the 10 yr old too that will just make you not want to tell then anything ever again. But take that chance and tell them anyway.

Answer 2

You didn't do anything wrong. You were provoked, you were just being the protective brother. You acted out of defense for a kid brother. Any older brother would'v e done what you did. The fact that you felt bad about the whole thing shows that you're a nice person deep down.

It's normal for brothers to fight. But yours really went out of control. But I know that you will never allow that to ever happen again. However, I think your other brother may be needing some professional help. I mean what could be the reason for his violent behavior? Be the brother that he needs. Talk to him but don't force him to open up on you... just show that you're just there for him and that you're ready to listen and help. Be more understanding and patient. Know the source of his behavior. Then pray, sometimes when we think that we've done all that we could and still get nothing, we just need to surrender and leave it all up to HIM. Prayers work wonders. It may take some time, well God is the greatest taskmaster you know, but he'll never leave you at the 11th hour. So whatever happens, hang on and keep the faith. Good things happen to those who patiently wait.

Answer 3

I don't think you did wrong it sounds like your brother is out of control maybe since that incident your brother will lay off the younger brother because he now may be inferior to you and know that you will not go for it i am the older of 3 sisters and i was never a bully but i felt that i had to get the respect from my younger sisters i did not put up with their mess but i always try to lead by a good example and be some one they could depend on and today it is still this way at the age of 33 me, and ages 30, 29 ,28,also i have the respect of a 21yr. old brother because i always try to lead by example i hope this helps do not feel bad that you had to take matters into your own hands because sometimes the parents don't see certain things but let this experience be a leading example that you should not bully or abuse siblings take care.

Answer 4

Honey you shouldnt feel guilty at all. I think what you need to do is talk to your parents about getting your brother into an anger control group. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. You little brother is only 10 years old and it looks like his older brother (the 16 year old) is out of control, he could seriously hurt him. Also, you are a girl he should of never put his hands on you and you have EVERY right to protect yourself.

Please talk to your mother about getting him into some type of anger management program before he end up seriously hurting someone.

Answer 5

Why would you want to hide the fact that you stuck up for your older brother? If your mom knows he is beating up your little brother, then it is her job as a parent to stop it. She is the protector for your family. I don't think she would be mad to think that you were just trying to help. But in the long run, your older brother needs help. He will continue until he figures out why he is doing it. Talk to your mom. Your brother may be mad at you for a while, but he will get over it. And never never apologize for doing the right thing.

Answer 6

It is just right that you came between him and your younger brother. Who would protect the weak but the stronger ones. But next time , if you could do it the non violent way, then it is best. You should also talk to your older brother that things could be done differently and would have a more lasting effect, the diplomatic and peaceful way.

Answer 7

You should not feel guilty for protecting your younger brother. Your other brother has a problem and you SHOULD tell your parents. I would not want to leave my young child with him if this is how he is going to be treating him. I feel you have a responsibliltiy to make your parents aware of the fact that the 16 year old is OUT of control.

Answer 8

your older brother should know better than to fight with the younger. me and my brother used to fight all the time but as soon as we hit the teen stage we stopped. have a word with your older brother and explain to him that this is really bad behavour and in a way a form of bullying. then go to your mum and express your concerns. by the way hopfully you beating him up may stop him from beating your younger brother up. he might of got a taste of what it feel like the be the one on the recieving end for a change. good luck and take care.

Answer 9

You did the right thing under the circumstances.

Your parents need to discipline the older brother.

I would suggest you talk to a counsellor at school if your parents take no action.

Your brother is being a bully and should be punished for his unacceptable behaviour.

Answer 10

he needs to know that he cant bully people but that is not really your job. tell your parents, let them deal with it.

by the way children fight like animals, sometimes it happens, my sis and i have had some serious cats sessions but got over it. its no big deal that you stepped in, just make sure you dont end up hurting someone for real.

my advice go to your parents with the whole story, the problem is your brother and he must be told to stop bullying your younger bro. life at your age is difficult enough without having to play parent to the younger two.