am a very quiet person,but i like making friends,i have problem in getting friends.how can i improve?

Answer 1

DEVELOP AN OUTGOING SOCIAL PERSONALITY
THE TENTH FUNDAMENTAL



The Tenth Fundamental is "Develop an Outgoing, Social Personality."

This Fundamental goes right to the heart of achieved happiness. As the research has clearly shown, there is no doubt that one of the most characteristic traits of the happiest individuals is an extroverted, social personality.

Happy people are quite extroverted, according to research studies. (Note: add research refs. here).

Extroversion, "an interest more in other people than in oneself" (according to dictionary definitions), is highly characteristic of happy people. Indeed, in my lectures over the years, I have referred to extroversion as being one of "the two Hallmark Qualities of the happy person." The other, optimism, we talked about in an earlier Chapter.

THE HAPPINESS-EXTROVERSION CONNECTION

Why has the research found such a strong connection between extroversion and happiness? There are a number of reasons...

To begin with, naturally enough, extroverted people usually spend a lot more of their time in social situations than less extroverted persons do. Thus they tend to maximize their participation in the "Number 1" source of happiness: social activity.

Clearly, this should make sense. If social activity is the most happiness-producing of all human activity, then those who's basic personality attracts them to such activity should well be happier.

But this in not the only happiness-benefit for the extrovert. An indirect benefit comes with wide social activity: that of meeting "special people"...

By "special people," I mean the kind of person that might end-up being a good friend or love-mate. Mathematically speaking, it is far more probable that a person who attends several social gatherings during a month will happen into many more "special people," over a year, than a person who never goes out at all.

So, here again, the extroverted, socially comfortable person maximizes his or her "happiness possibilities." In general, they have a happier time at a social affair than they would staying at home, but they also increase their chances of making new contacts which may lead to closer relationships, which can only boost their "happiness possibilities" even further.

The final reason why extroversion and happiness shows such a strong connection in the research, has to do with self-esteem.

As we detailed in the last chapter, self-esteem is a critical ingredient in both happiness and mental health. And it is clear from the research that extroversion is a typical trait of those who have a healthy, positive self-image.

People with a positive self-image and a high degree of self-esteem (people who "like themselves," as we put it earlier) are more likely to be extroverted than introverted. They tend to be be more outgoing and expressive; they tend to be more self-assured and comfortable with others; they like people and enjoy social contact; and because they "like themselves," they are usually much more authentic, natural, and spontaneous around others -- and this only paves the way to more successful socializing!

It doesn't take a happiness scientist to figure-out why extroverted people rocket their way to happiness so easily. By being so social, they participate more than others in the primary source of happiness (social interaction). By participating more in this primary source, they have a lot more fun. By widening their "social radius" they increase their chances of finding friendships and love opportunities. By being extroverted, they become more comfortable and natural in social situations as time goes by. In becoming more comfortable and natural, the better they are liked by others. The better they are liked by others, the better they feel about themselves. The better they feel about themselves, the more comfortable and relaxed they make those around them feel. And the more comfortable and relaxed they make those around them feel, the more likely they get more invitations for further social activities! And so it goes...

Shy, quiet, introverted people hardly do as well; primarily because such people hide themselves from the very social contact which could make a tremendous difference in their happiness.

Typically, introverted individuals tend to feel somewhat insecure and inadequate in social situations. Often low in self-worth, they tend to believe that what they have to contribute in conversations will not meet with much interest or acceptance by others. They tend to feel that others will not like them, and they are often unduly fearful of rejection. Because of this, they are not able to let go and "be themselves" comfortably. They approach social situations with apprehension, caution, and unease. Therefore, it's rare for shyer individuals to enjoy socializing. For them, it is often more of an unpleasant than pleasant experience; and thus, they tend to avoid such socializing as much as they can manage.

The socially uncomfortable person is in a real box! Because of their fears, they tend to avoid the Number 1 overall source of happiness, socializing. But worse still, because they are so nervous and uneasy, even when they do socialize, their socializing is not the source of happiness that it is for most individuals.

HOW TO BECOME MORE EXTROVERTED

Imagine being like most happy people are...

Imagine having that inner confidence to feel at ease in social settings. Imagine having the ability to express yourself comfortably. Imagine participating in social situations with pleasure and success. Imagine having fun socializing, as happy people do.

Little doubt, your social opportunities would probably increase, people would become more receptive toward you, and your social horizons would begin to expand. And as this happened, you'd find yourself really participating in the social world; able to finally enjoy the primary source of personal happiness: active and rewarding social activity.

However, right now you're shy, feeling somewhat inadequate, and not all that comfortable in social settings. So, what can you do to get that extroverted feeling?

The answer lies in the "Act First Principle" we discussed in Fundamental Two: to become like an extrovert, you've got to act like an extrovert.

How do extroverts act? Well, the most simple answer is that they're out there! They do social things and they take advantage of social opportunities.

They go to social functions, they get together with their friends, they join clubs and organizations, they accept invitations, they seek-out opportunities for informal socializing with coworkers, and, often, it is they, themselves, who host parties and arrange social gatherings.

In other words, extroverted people go where the people are, or if need be invite the people to where they are.

For the extremely shy person, however, these social ideas may seem far advanced, and a bit frightening. So lets begin with some simple basics and present some of the easiest ways I know to become more outgoing.

THE SMILEMORE TECHNIQUE

The simplest thing one can do to become more extroverted is to smile.

We call it the Smilemore Technique. Just try smiling more than you normally do as you go about your daily routine.

The effect of smiling behavior cannot be overestimated. Research on smiles has confirmed the obvious: smiling faces are universally rated as much more friendly, attractive, and inviting than other expressions. People tend to be drawn to, and comfortable with, a person who's smiling. A smile is seen as a very warm, accepting, and receptive gesture. A smile says "Welcome, I'm open for social business," and it attracts other people like a magnet.

It's easy enough to prove this proposition with a simple, two day experiment. Try one day, to go about your regular routine with no smile at all; then, on another day go out of your way to smile more than you usually do. It won't take you long to notice the difference in how people react to you...

On your smiling day, you'll probably notice more receptive, friendly reactions from people you contact, people will probably be more pleasant to you, and the entire day may go noticeably better. While, on your non-smiling day, the very same people will probably not be as friendly, or as nice, and the day may go noticeably worse. Indeed, if you're a good enough actor, by the end of your non-smiling day, you may find some people actually reacting to you with negative comments, luke-warm greetings, or possibly avoiding you. Even your best friends may be caught sneaking the other way!

It is truly amazing what a positive facial expression can do for a person. Experiments using pictures find that the very same individual is rated entirely differently depending on his expression. A smiling expression is generally rated as far more honest, more intelligent, more industrious, more responsible, more attractive, and more successful, than other expressions are rated. But the most highly rated trait a smiling face gets is that of friendliness! Especially if you don't smile very much now, the one thing you'll notice on your "smiling day" is how much more often people will talk to you, and indeed, how much longer they'll talk to you. But the real bonus will come, if during you "smiling day" someone who never spoke much to you before, all of a sudden starts a conversation. If this happens, you'll prove the whole point of the Smilemore Technique!

My shyer clients are often quite shocked by the difference a smile makes in their day, because it's such an easy step to take. Here are some typical reactions:

"What amazed me was how many people said something to me as I walked down the hall. "Hi" or "How's it going;" things like that. I wasn't doing anything different but smiling!"

"A couple of people just started talking to me. I was scared to death; I couldn't think of much to say. But I kept smiling and nodding, and they just went on talking. It was hard to get away!"

"I just figured they didn't like me at my new job; but when I tried smiling some, they started to warm up to me."

"For months I'd noticed this guy who worked in the same building, but he never seemed to notice me. As silly as it sounded, I took your advice and simply smiled at him when he passed by. Soon after that he came up and asked me out. Now were pretty serious. When we were talking the other night, I asked him why he hadn't talked to me sooner. He said that he was somewhat shy too, and without that smile, he would have probably never gotten up enough nerve..."



NATURAL FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

When I lecture on this topic, I can't help but notice that the more I talk about smiling, the more the people in my audience begin to smile. Perhaps, as you've been reading this, you've found that your lips have been curling up on occasion, too. It appears to me, that as my audiences hear how favorably a smile is received by others, they begin to try and convince me that they are all "smilers" themselves! Or perhaps they are just trying to convince themselves. In any event, it is a most remarkable thing to see from a podium. The more I talk about the value of a smile, the more my audience responds with a pleasant, smiling face.

I suspect this phenomenon would not strike me so much had I not been a college professor over all these years. In that setting, however, I have the chance to see the same student faces day after day for months at a time. There, I get to see those faces when they are interested, or when they are laughing at a joke, or when they are tired, and, certainly sometimes, when they smile. But for the most part, I get to see them in their natural facial "set" -- that basic expression that they seem to hold most of the time. Thus, when I lecture on the "Smilemore Technique," the transformation that occurs in their faces is truly astounding! From my vantage point, it is the difference between night and day; and I think to myself, "If only they could see the difference!"

What I have concluded in my informal observations:

1) Most people think they have a far more pleasant expression than they really do.

2) Most people think that they smile a lot more than they actually do.

Let's take the first point. Few of us realize what our natural facial expression really looks like to others. Actually, most of us probably never think about it at all, since people react to us the same way, every day -- no matter where we go or what we're doing. Still, as we go about our daily routine, most of us probably imagine our natural expression -- the one others see day after day -- as being quite acceptable and pleasant.

But if you really study other people, you'll inevitably see a great array of differences. Look at their faces...

Some people have natural expressions that are quite pleasant, and their natural expression tends to attract people to them. Their expression appears welcoming; their manner inviting and comfortable. Other people have natural expressions that may actually keep people away from them. Their demeanor gives out signals that say "I don't want to talk to anyone right now," or "I'm shy and uncomfortable here," or "I don't like people," or "I'm in a bad mood today, don't make things worse."

Of course, everyone's face changes from day to day, reflecting natural and immediate feelings. But for many people, such expressions are permanent features of their natural facial "set," and actually have no correspondence to our current mood at all!

In other words, some people go through life with natural facial "sets" that have little to do with what they're really feeling inside. We may feel quite enthusiastic about something, but it hardly shows. We may be angry, yet nobody knows it. We may have actually had a great time at a party, still everyone there thought we were bored. We thought our children knew we loved them, but they recall that we always looked so irritated with them. The examples go on and on...

The problem is that we thought we were looking enthusiastic, or angry, or pleased, or loving because we were feeling that way. But our face didn't show it. It was stuck in a "set" that we rarely see.

Even worse than a face that does not reveal feelings, is a face that seems to reveal feelings that we aren't having at all...

Early in my teaching career, I was given my first adult class assignment. I'll never forget it, because of one particular, lady sitting right in the first row. Although I seemed to be doing well with the other students, she would glare at me constantly with an angry scowl glued on her face. Day after day, even through what I thought were my best lectures and most humorous jokes, her disapproving expression remained fixed. What was worse, she never stopped taking notes -- more notes than any other student in class. It was terribly unnerving for a young professor! I began to think that I had said something terribly offensive that had angered her; or, perhaps,that she just didn't like me for some reason. For a few classes more, I just went on; trying to ignore her negative countenance. But nothing in her expression changed, so I got up my nerve after class to confront my concerns with her. Taking her aside, I asked "I was wondering, what do you think of the course so far?"

"Great!" she said, "I'm really enjoying it."

You could have knocked me over with a feather! "Really?" I said incredulously, "You like the course?"

"I love it," she said, "I talk to my friends about it all the time."

Finding this the opposite of what I had been fearing, I pursued the matter further. "Well the reason I asked," I went on cautiously, "is that sometimes you look a bit irritated with me, as if I've made you angry or something."

"Oh no," she replied, "Not at all! Everyone thinks that!"

Everyone, indeed! As we talked further, she shared with me that my reaction was quite common. Most of her life, apparently, this woman had suffered the results of a natural facial expression that others read as anger or disapproval. On the inside, she rarely felt such feelings -- but on the outside, her facial "set" said otherwise. For much of her life she had been unaware of this "set," but in recent years she had become aware of it and the effect it produced in others. As we talked further, she recounted the problems her angry looks had created in her life. She realized that people tended to avoid her, that often strangers would act rudely or antagonistically toward her, how difficult it had been to develop friends, how many people in the past had viewed her as "mean" or hard to please, and, in turn, how these reactions to her unintended facial "set" had repeatedly hurt her feelings.

Fortunately, this lady's story has a happy ending. On the inside, she was quite a wonderful person, and throughout her life a few persons, including a loving husband, had discovered this inner beauty. But even these close people have confided to her, over the years, how difficult a time they initially had getting beyond her outward expression.

Her case is not an isolated one. In my years of clinical work, I've often been struck how much of a person's fate seems determined by such basic physical characteristics as facial "set." Some people just look mean; others look sad; others look arrogant; while others look happy. And because of these "sets," such faces are somewhat doomed to remain that way because of the way others react to them.

My personal feeling is that such facial "sets" are largely the result of the kinds of experiences a person goes through in life. The face, in many ways, grows to reflect the hurts, joys, and frustrations one has experienced as the years accumulate, one upon another. In addition to this, there's little doubt that genetic factors may also play a part (in the muscular-skeletal features that one inherits). Whatever the cause, once fixed, these facial "sets" effect our social success in a thousand subtle ways.

As that old adage goes, "If only we could see ourselves as others do." But how rarely that happens...

When we break out a camera, most of us quickly break into a fake smile -- or do something silly that isn't really natural at all. Even in front of the mirror there is a tendency to try to "look good." No, the few opportunities we ever have to see ourselves naturally, we turn into almost comic situations with grimaces, poses, face-making and exaggerated expressions which are nothing like the way we usually look to others. When the camera's on, or when we look in the mirror, we usually tend to put our "best face" forward (or we look as stupid as we can)!

No, as much as politicians might argue to the contrary, the camera seems to bring out the "facade" in us. When I filmed the educational telecourse, "The Psychology of Happiness" (xxx), many times the "live audience segments" were taped using students currently enrolled in my college classes. What amazed me in viewing the out-takes (the continual audience shots not used in the series) was how attentive, pleasant-faced, and interested these students appeared in the studio setting compared to how they normally were in classroom. In most cases, it was like day and night!

No, when we're "on camera" or "in mirror" our best facade emerges. Hardly ever do we catch ourselves in a regular, natural "set" (or facial expression). But it's worth the effort to find out...

Perhaps a friend or family member could help by talking a series of candid snapshots or home videos while you were unaware. Or, you could do it yourself, by completely relaxing in front of a mirror with your eyes closed, imagining yourself in common everyday situations and then opening your eyes quickly to view yourself more naturally as you might, more normally be. Maybe, if you have a video camcorder, you could set it in the corner of your office or living room and let the tape record for several hours. But remember, if you really want to see what you more naturally look like to others, you have to record long enough until you forget that you're being recorded.

However you do it, if you can find a way to see yourself as you more usually appear to others, you may find that your natural facial expression may not be quite as pleasant and inviting as you might have imagined. But whatever your natural "set," a smile can change it around. Even the most negative facial "set" can be transformed, with a little bit of a smile, into a look which will invite more social contact. Which brings us to our second point: most people think they smile a lot more than they actually do.

If you're able to set up a "candid camera," the one thing that may also surprise you is how little you ever smile. It's easier to see this, however, as you study other people. Take just a few people you work with and watch them for a week or two. See how often they smile. Exclude those situations when a joke is being told. You'll probably find that your coworkers fall into two distinct categories: "smilers" and "non-smilers." Some people tend to smile quite a lot, others hardly ever. Notice too their relative popularity with others. Inevitably the "smilers" are more often included in conversation, they tend to be better liked, and they often seem to be the center of office socializing. It's clear, that a little smile goes a long way in opening social doors.

A smile can literally change ones life. One of the most fascinating examples of this involves an elderly lady who introduced herself to me at one of my public seminars, several years ago. It seems that she had a rather unique physical affliction: a chronic smile. Apparently, in her early thirty's, facial surgery (necessitated by an accident) had rendered her with a, more or less, permanent smile -- one she couldn't alter despite how she felt. At first, as one could imagine, she had been quite upset with the change in her face. But, now, in her later years, she wanted me to know how much her condition had changed her life for the better.

She told me that before the accident, she had enjoyed a normal life, with a fairly normal amount of popularity, love, and social acceptance. But, after the accident, something rather dramatic occurred. As the years went by, she found herself being increasingly sought-out by other people. She was included more and more in social organizations, sought far more frequently as a friend, and often turned to for advice and leadership. As time progressed her popularity soared, and eventually she ended up as one of the central figures of her community's civic and social life. Her life had changed tremendously!

Early on, she was quite amazed how differently people were reacting to her. She had never been so welcome and popular before; nor had people ever considered her so warm and gracious as they began to then. But as time went on, she came to accept her newfound admiration and her new role in the social world became her natural one.

Now some might say that this change in her life might have happened anyway, but you would never convince this lady! Though few people in her life knew of her facial change, and she rarely spoke of it, she shared the story with me because she knew that I'd appreciate her belief that this surgical quirk had transformed her life. Certainly she knew that she had always possessed a warm and admirable personality on the inside, but without the smile, she felt, those qualities might have never been discovered by others. Thanks to that fixed smile, she believes, her life has been far more happy, love-filled, and fulfilling.

A smile is such an easy, first step to take to widen your social horizons. At the least, it invites people into your world and cracks the door to a busier social life. But at the best, the Smilemore Technique could actually make you popular!

A SMILE FORCES A FEELING OF HAPPINESS

Best of all, however, even if a smile didn't have any effect on your social life, it makes you happy anyway!

Try it! Give into a big smile right now and hold it for a while. Feels good, doesn't it? That's the point! When you smile, there is a strong psychological tendency that you'll start feeling happier. In fact, while your smiling, it's almost impossible to feel unhappy.

(Note: add Lowen, etc.)

Research of individuals under hypnosis finds that when when people are instructed to smile and look happy they cannot comply with instructions to feel unhappy on the inside. Apparently, it is extremely difficult to look happy but feel sad. This, of course, is a classic example of how integrally the human body and the human mind co-react.

One of the most basic tenets of modern psychology is that the mind and body react as one unit. Thoughts that occur in the mind reflect themselves in bodily reactions, and stimuli sensed by the body create reactions in the mind.

A forced smile takes advantage of this complex interconnection. When you smile, you set off an elaborate series of neural-muscular connections to the brain; connections that inevitably lead to pleasant memories and associations in the mind which have led to smiles in the past. You may not recall any specific happy times consciously, but the pervasive mood tends to come to the surface. Smiling serves as a stimulus, or a bodily cue, which evokes a pleasant mental response. Put more simply: smiling behavior, in and of itself, has a strong psychological tendency to produce happy feelings.

Yes, it's hard to feel "blue" with a smile on your face. Indeed, one of the minor recommendations I suggest to my depressed clients is to spend as much time as they can with a forced smile during their day. The results, in some cases, have been remarkable.



JUST SAY "HI!"

Once you've gotten your smiling down, the next step to "Develop an Outgoing Social Personality" is the "say-hi technique."

Scientifically, the "say-hi technique" is defined as:

"the unilaterally initiated vocal or gestural acknowledgement of random passerbys."

Non-technically, it simply means say "hi" to people.

It's amazing what acknowledging people on a regular basis -- simply being friendly to people you meet in the hall, greeting acquaintances, etc. -- can do to bring you out socially.

You don't have to be obvious about it. In some cases a simple nod of the head, a lift of the hand, or grunt of some sort will do. Just make that little effort to acknowledge the people you do know and greet those you don't.

Now most of us do this as a matter of course (particularly when we're in a good mood). But shy, quiet people find such simple "greeting behaviors" difficult. They prefer to walk right by people -- even those they see daily -- without any outward sign of recognition. It's not that shy people don't notice people around them; and it's not that they don't like people. It's usually that they're just too scared of people to initiate contact first. Indeed, many shyer individuals feel so inadequate about themselves, they're convinced that others don't want to be bothered by any greeting they might give. This sad state of affairs for the lonely, shy person. And, it is compounded by the highly ironical fact that many shy individuals are mistakenly viewed by others as being conceited and "stuck-up!"

It is, to me, one of the most fascinating personal discoveries I have made observing my college students: many shy people are actually seen as being conceited and arrogant! So many times, I have gotten to know students who appear to be self-confident and aloof, only to find that they are terribly insecure on the inside. However, because they sit by themselves, never smile or greet others, and hardly talk at all, other students tell me, "She acts like she's too good to associate with us," or, "He must think he's pretty hot." This is especially true, if the shy person in question is fairly attractive in physical appearance)!

A parallel observation I have made over the years, is that "good looks", alone, has little to do with self-assurance or self-esteem. The research appears to confirm this. As we discussed in Volume I, physical attractiveness contributes little to happiness or mental health. Indeed, extreme attractiveness (although usually a plus in life) can, for many, be more of a detriment to happiness than an asset. But the most interesting thing, is how terribly shy and insecure some highly attractive people feel inside. In fact, based on my own, informal assessment: I would say that, as a group, attractive people have a higher incidence of insecurity and self-consciousness than do more normally attractive people.

In any event, shy individuals have everything working against them. They are too afraid to make contact, although they long to be included. They are often mistaken as wanting to be left alone, or even worse, negatively evaluated as being conceited and arrogant. And ultimately, they get their "apparent" desire, by finding themselves even more ignored and avoided by others. Thus it goes round in a "vicious circle": loneliness and insecurity leads to shyness; shyness conveys to others the desire to be left alone; and consequently, left alone you are, leading to further isolation and insecurity...

To break this "vicious circle," you have to take the first, bold step. It doesn't take much to say "hi," but the results can be extraordinary...

One case comes to mind. Alan was an extremely shy, self-conscious young man, referred to my practice by his parents. The family had just moved to town, and they were concerned that Alan would have difficulties adjusting -- especially since he was just entering his last year of High School. I recognized his being new in town might be turned into a golden opportunity for him, if only he could start out on the right foot.

Alan wanted to fit-in socially, but he was truly shy. Joining clubs, talking to girls, or taking the initiative to meet new people -- all seemed frightening to him. So I just asked him to do one simple thing: say "hi" to everyone he passed on campus -- absolutely nothing else! He was willing to do it, if nothing further was required. I assured him that simply saying "hi" was all I would ask of him.

It worked like a charm. As the weeks ensued, his list of friends and acquaintances had quickly jumped from zero to many. Many of the people he greeted regularly, eventually began initiating conversation with him. Some, he told me, acted as if they already knew him (though, indeed, they had never met) simply because he had acknowledged them as he passed from day to day, and they just assumed that he knew them from a time before. Alan was amazed. All he did was say "hi," and other people did the rest!



MEET PEOPLE

The "Smilemore" technique and the say-hi technique provide the easiest first-steps an introverted person can take to open the door to a wider social life. But once that door is open, you have to walk through it and participate...

Eventually, the ability to meet new people has to be conquered.

A person's life, to a large extent, is shaped and affected by the people one befriends, and one of the most powerful assets you can possess is the ability to initiate contact with people that you would like to meet. Most shy people wait around and hope that "an attractive person" will contact them first. Sometimes, due to sheer luck, it happens. But more often than not, it doesn't. For the shy person, life is often just a long and endless wait for something good to happen socially.

However, when you can feel comfortable taking the initiative, you don't have to wait around on luck! YOU determine who you want to meet, and thereby assert a great deal more control over the way your social and personal life unfolds.

Unfortunately, there are no "magic secrets" in learning how to meet new people. Instead, it requires a good dose of fortitude, and practice, practice, practice!

The strategy I recommend for my shy clients and students is called the "one-a day" program. It calls for practice in socializing by talking to one new person a day. The requirement is simple: each day go out of your way to strike up conversation with someone you don't know (or hardly know).

Though the requirement is simple, carrying it out will be quite uncomfortable if you're a shyer person. Initiating a "cold" conversation with a stranger is always a bit awkward, even for those of us who are most practiced at it.

Now, on the inside, of course, you'll be feeling nervous, shy, perhaps a bit silly, and very uncomfortable. But, on the outside, at least, you'll be acting like an outgoing, social person does.

In the beginning, you'll have to force yourself. It takes a lot of "guts" to strike-up a conversation with a stranger.

Likewise, don't expect too much...

Many of your initial attempts may end in failure and embarrassment. Your nervousness may show; you may trip on your words; there may be awkward silences; your mind may go blank -- but such should be expected. Don't be concerned about it (even the most polished politicians have their social gaffs). And don't give up! After all, you probably didn't do all that well the first time you tried to drive a car either. The only way you'll ever get good at social contact is practice, practice, practice!

As the Act First Principle states, one has to act the way he wants to be first, and only later will the feelings change. The idea here, of course, is that to become an outgoing, extroverted person, one has to act like an outgoing, extroverted person would act. Eventually, given enough practice, you become sensitized to the experience. As time goes by, the discomfort begins to wane. You feel more comfortable initiating conversation. Your feelings begin to catch-up and match your action and behavior. You no longer feel nervous. You no longer hear your shyness urging you to avoid such situations. And, if all goes well, you may find that you're actually starting to enjoy your daily encounters.

Where do you find the "strangers" to practice on? Usually, they're everywhere! On the seat beside us on a bus or plane; sitting around the College campus; around the office building; at a club meeting; down at the corner tavern; at the lunch counter; in the neighborhood; at the stores we frequent; etc.. All you need is the nerve to talk to them first!

Furthermore, if you're sincere in your attempt to get practice, practice, practice, here are a few other pointers...



STAY QUIET

Now this may sound like odd advice for the shy, un-talkative person, but actually, it's not so bad to keep fairly quiet during a conversation.

As has always been noted by great conversationalists and "masters of etiquette:" most people love to talk about themselves!

To get a good conversation going requires little talking on your part. A few well place questions can keep the other person you're talking to going on and on. Psychological research shows that other people enjoy their talk more if they've been able to talk about themselves, and they also seem to like the listener a lot better too. In other words, if your fear of talking to strangers is based on the idea that you need to be "interesting" and "talkative," you're mistaken. The most successful conversationalists know that good talks involve your talking little at all! Just sit back and let them carry the ball...

Indeed, one of the most basic therapy skills taught in every psychology graduate school is what might be called the "uh-hum" technique. Most prospective therapists are taught that the best way to find-out what a patient is truly thinking is to say "uh-hum" occasionally as a client talks about his or her concerns. The idea is that such a neutral comment shows therapist interest and encourages further talk, but it does not, particularly, bias the direction of the patient's train of thought. Other possible interjections, like "That's crazy!" or "You must be nuts to think that way!" are definitely conversation stoppers!

The technique works well in therapy. A few "uh-hum's" from time to time produce a tremendous amount of client talk. And, the research on the technique shows that it works in any normal conversation. Apparently, a few, neutral "uh-hum's" are all that are needed to keep another person talking for hours.

If you have never tried this yourself, experiment! The next time you get in a conversation with somebody, refrain from expressing any opinions of your own. Instead, simply listen and provide a gratuitous "uh-hum" every now and then. If typical, the person you're talking to won't ever stop talking! And with little effort on your part (other than an occasional "uh-hum"), they'll think you're the best conversationalist they've ever met...

THE SILENT TREATMENT

Most people find silent periods in conversation quite disturbing. The research in this area shows that, ordinarily, a silence in ongoing conversation is usually perceived most uncomfortably. Generally, when such a silent period occurs, most people begin to experience mounting tension and attempt to regenerate idle talk to alleviate their growing nervousness. This is particularly true of the shy, socially uncomfortable person who is already at unease to begin with.

Here again, our common-sense reactions run counter to effective communication. Actually, silences in conversation are not anything bad. Indeed, they are often good!

Clinical psychologists have been trained to value such silences, for when silences occur, it usually indicates that the person we are conversing with is in deep introspection. As much as the young therapist may resist this idea, experience teaches that silent periods are often followed by insight and that the awkward breech in interaction proves to have valuable dividends.

The practiced conversationalist also knows that silence is not bad. Indeed, in many cases, silence often indicate that a conversation is going quite well!

This principal is just as important for those who wish to become more socially outgoing. As we noted above, being a great conversationalist is not so much a matter of having a repertoire of interesting and knowledgeable banter to give to others, it is more a matter of listening well -- especially when silence is all that is occurring!

JUST BETWEEN YOU AND I

A major finding in group psychology is that two-person conversations work-out a lot more favorably than group conversations.

Social psychologists have discovered something rather amazing about two-person conversations (dyads as they are technically called): it seems that when two individuals are involved in discussion alone, they seem to treat each other with a great deal more attention and consideration than is true when a third (or more) person is present.

When two people find themselves isolated in conversation, a number of positive communication characteristics emerge. First, the give and take of conversation is much more equally balanced. Second, both parties tend to be much more attentive to the other's conversation. Each party seems to listen better. Third, each party tends to be more "gentle" and "considerate" in their responses to the other. And fourthly, the level of negative comments and content tends to be greatly reduced.

However, all that is needed to mess this up is a third person. In groups of three or more, all the desirable communication advantages listed above go to the wayside. The give and take of conversation becomes extremely unbalanced. People tend to pair-off, ignoring others; or one or two more dominate personalities take-over and control the entire discussion. Listening skills subside; attentiveness to the discussion diminishes. The level of negative comments and content rises. "Gentleness" and "consideration" is reduced. And an element of "inclusion" and "exclusion" seeps into the group process leaving only one or two participants "in" the deliberations, and most of the others left "out" as spectators.

The point here is clear: the best situation to make new social contacts is in a one-to-one situation. Trying to introduce yourself and get to know a person who is alone will meet with far greater success than trying to meet a person in a group.



MANY OTHERS ARE SHY

As good a job as most people do covering it, I believe the vast majority of people in this world are a bit nervous in social situations they aren't used to. Furthermore, a substantial minority of the population tends to be quite shy and socially uncomfortable. Sad as this is, it should be an asset for you, if you want to expand your social horizons...

What this fact means is that many of the people you might wish to meet are as shy and socially uncomfortable as you are! In other words, they are just as lonely -- just as longing for social contact -- as you. They are, as you once were, in a "waiting mode," just hoping someone will seek them out.

Knowing such percentages are on your side should make it easier to attempt new friendships. As you strive to "practice, practice, practice" talking to new people, it's good to keep in mind that the person you're instigating conversation with may well be rather shy and nervous , as well.

It's hard to imagine this to be true, but I'd estimate that practically half the people you might choose to converse with are just as uncomfortable with "first contact" as you are. And this has little to do with outside appearances. In fact, as we talked about before, often some of the most "beautiful" and "gifted" men and women are among the most shy and insecure.

The point here: many of the people you might wish to "contact" are themselves rather shy. Still, as you have often been, they long for such "contact," and may be far more receptive to your initial overtures than you ever imagined!

There are many lonely people in this world. People who long for friendship and love. As cynics tend to believe, such lonely people are life's failures -- the kind of people who are not worth meeting in the first place. But we psychologists know that most lonely people are merely shy people; and a substantial portion of these lonely people are persons who possess high caliber. They remain, as untouched flowers, waiting for someone like you to introduce yourself...



DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY

If things don't go well in an initial "contact," don't take it personally. You may have been a bit awkward and nervous, but that may not explain the whole story (after all, most people are willing to accept a bit of nervousness and awkwardness in such situations).

No, there may be a number of extraneous circumstances which could explain a "cool reception."

Example: You decide to strike-up a conversation with an attractive secretary you've noticed in the executive floor, but she doesn't seem to want anything to do with you.

You could take this rejection personally, but there may be other mitigating circumstances...

For one, she may be married or have a jealous boyfriend. For another, she may be involved in your annual evaluation, and feels it's inappropriate to socialize with you. Maybe her boss has told her not to socialize with employees on the lower floors. Perhaps, she is part of the group planning you surprise birthday party, and fears contact with you might spoil the surprise. Maybe her astrologer warned her about dark-haired men. Possibly, she has a headache and doesn't want to talk to anybody. Maybe you resemble her ex-husband's attorney; the guy they showed on "America's Most Wanted" last evening; or her least-favorite Uncle. Or perhaps, as we pointed-out above, she's simply shy herself.

You'll never know the real reason for her rejection, but more likely than than not, it has nothing to do with you!

You just have to put yourself in another person's position for a minute to imagine the many reasons someone might not want to converse with you. As life would have it, sometimes you're just too busy, too ill, too worried, or too distracted to talk to anyone! At such times, even if the President of the United States was wandering around our building, you'd tend to close the door and pretend you weren't home.

If the President knocked and you didn't answer, how should he (or she) feel? Well, he shouldn't take it personally -- but he might. Even the President of the United States is not immune to self-doubt. "Why didn't that person answer the door?" he might ask, "do the people really dislike me that much?" Actually, you had a splitting headache and weren't presentable enough for the television cameras. Yet, even though you voted for him, there he goes back to Washington, taking the whole incident personally.

The President has clearly blown the whole episode out of proportion, unnecessarily. Yet, as humorous as this scenario is, it may well be close to the truth. We all tend to take social indifference personally, but rarely is such indifference something we should take personally. When our social forays are rebuffed, chances are nine out of ten that it has nothing to do with us, personally.

Therefore, one needn't be discouraged. Cool social receptions are commonplace with strangers. When it happens to you, just ask yourself: "Could the President do any better?"

In most cases the answer is: "Probably not!"



CONCLUSION

To "Develop an Outgoing, Social Personality" isn't easy. There is no magic way other than "practice, practice, practice." At first, the going won't be easy and you should expect a few painful failures. But if you persist, and not take your failures personally, you'll find yourself feeling more and more comfortable in social settings and begin to enjoy the many happiness-benefits socializing brings.

Sadly, there is no medical cure for shyness. The only clinical cure is a strong dose of fortitude coupled with a lot of "practice, practice, practice."

We've seen in our presentation of earlier Fundamentals, that the best, first step in expanding socializing begins by joining a club or organization. Especially, we've described the value of "volunteerism." We've previously discussed the "Target Theory" and the "Act First Principal." And in the present Chapter we've now covered the "Smilemore," "Sayhi," and "One-a-Day" strategies.

All these are just suggestions. If they help you on the road to a more active social-life, so much the better. Yet whatever strategy you employ, any attempt to become more comfortably extroverted will have its happiness pay-offs.

Happy people gain most of their happy feelings through social interaction. And because happy people tend to be more extroverted and outgoing, they are naturally well- suited to gain the most pleasure from social interaction.

For you to be as happy as you might be, it would be best to develop the same "outgoing, social personality" as happy people have.

Answer 2

Having less friends suggests one's inability to communicate well.As you are a quiet fellow,try to make friends of your nature and your behaviour should be in such a way that you got a proper chance to get exposed,Soon you will begin behaving the same to others too .There are various reports that loneliness even makes man think of other things like crime,same gender sexuality and may think wide but harsh ideas .So find a good friend soon and through him make more friends .
THE FIRST THING ONE LOOKS ON OTHER IS HIS WAY OF COMMUNICATION AND SECONDLY HIS DRESSING NATURE .ALWAYS WALK IN SUCH A WAY THAT OTHERS GAZE ON YOUR GLAMOUR !

Answer 3

Smile.
Go places where people are doing things that you find interesting.
Join clubs of interest.
Take some classes.
Go to church or a place where people are gathering to be spiritual.
Take up a sport.
Go to the gym.
Get a pen pal.
Ask coworkers to have lunch with you.
Basically, just go where other people are. Smile, be friendly and kind. Have ideas about things to do and then ask people to do them with you. Good luck. :-)

Answer 4

i used to be like you. i was scared of confident people. that was because i changed schools, adn people were really different. i changed my personality completely to try and fit in, and i was never really happy.

i started high school, and went back to my old personality. whenever i was nervous about anything, i just said to myself "just do it!". i did do it =]

im really happy now, ive got great friends.

just say hi to someone you want to know. start up a conversation by asking them about something you have in common. if its at school, say something like "oh, i hate [insert subject]".

dont change yourself. ever.

Answer 5

you got to do something new like signing onto a language course, a hobby course (art, sports, plants, baking, cooking, sewing, etc), or make friends with your family members. set dates, be positive and before you know it you'll get friends :)

Answer 6

until & unless you won`t comeout its very diffcult to make friends

Answer 7

just do it