i have just found out my father has lung cancer,what should i do?

Question

we haven't spoken to each other in 20 years i used to hate him,now i don't have any feelings,good or bad,he just doesn't exist really.He treated my mother and i very badly,and i don't want to forgive him for anything.Although i am asking, i think my decision to do nothing is made.Just curious for other opinions,thanks

WOW!
thankyou to everyone you have all spoken fine words,much respect to you all.
I am now only 90% sure i do not want to speak to him,so you have given me food for thought,which i have to say i never thought would happen.I wonder if there are any people out there who do not believe in any religion,what are you're thoughts.
Once again thanks for such heartfelt responses

Answer 1

if you are truly fine with the way things are then dont open that can of worms. you will just get attached and then he will die and you will be hurt. then again, if you arent okay with it and are just telling yourself that then if you do nothing and he does die withought you making up it will hurt you. its a personal decision.

Answer 2

forgiving doesn't mean that you "understand why he caused all those problems"

Forgiving is important because it is very hard to do and that's because it's hard to forget about the "bad" past. Forgiving someone that hurted you either emotionaly or physically or both ways helps us understand that that someone is still human..but I will not be the same bad example.

* I would call him and say the truth. Tell him that you forgave him because he is still human and even the most innocent people can do many bad things. Even if he acts badly towards you till this day, I wouldn't give up.
* I wouldn't want to especially regret not talking to my father when he was in need of someone to socialize with..knowing that there is HOPE.
CALL AND FORGIVE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE
take care

Answer 3

Forgiveness is a very tough thing to give, but I too had that choice and my father did die of cancer. By the time we grew up the entire family hated him. Then he married again and adopted a ready made family. He was totally different with the new family even though none of the kids were biologically his. That made the rest of us even more angry.

Then one day, for what reason I have no idea, I went to visit him. It'd been years since we talked. He blurted out his heart to me and tried to explain why he'd been the way he was. It was still hard to accept him but I gave him a chance. Believe it or not, I eventually went from disliking the man to liking him and finally to loving my father. It was slow but it was worth it. My voice was the last one he heard before he died as I told him that I forgave him and that I loved him. He, and I were finally at Peace.

The decision is yours to make and I'm not saying it's an easy one to make but it's totally in your hands. Best of Luck.

Answer 4

When we have negative feelings about someone (even though they may be deserved) it takes power from us and gives it to the very person we don't want to have it.

What you feel now may or may not soften in the years ahead but by then it will be too late to act.

See him, talk to him, take the opportunity to resolve things that lay heavy in your mind. He may still be a horrible person, but you won't know until you see him. He is facing a huge crisis and may be scared - all if it is a mystery until you go and see him. People tend to change and soften with age and he may be different now.

Whatever he is now - you need to do the right thing and you will be a better person for it. You can rise above the legacy he left you.

Answer 5

Forgiveness is not for your father. It is for you. You will stay stuck where you are & never be able to put the past behind you.
Understand you will never forget, and there are things that will always cause those wounds to bleed a little. But you need to be able to find peace.
How you want to accomplish this, I don't know.
But I will tell you being indifferent is far worse than either love or hate.
You probably could use a bit of counselling.

Answer 6

You know people usually don't have these feelings of wanting to blame themselves or regret until tragedy happens. I think you should forgive him,and you will never forget. But we are not the finally judge he will be judged when he passes. You haven't spoken in 20 yrs,then let it rest this way. He is only a man that gave you life,he's not a DAD. My husband's dad died, and him and his father was not close,but my husband was a pallbearer,just for respect for giving him life.And my husband has only forgiven because you have to forgive in order to truly live.

Answer 7

Sorry about the situation. If it were me...(which it is not but)...I would take the time to go and see him. It doesn't have to be a shouting match. I would just say something like "Dad, I just wanted to say that I am sorry your suffering w/this illness, it is too bad that it took this to have us talk. I will pray for you to have a peace full time of it". Taking the high road will give you the closing you will need when he is gone. You can say all kinds of things about a parent but all and all he is your father.
Best of luck w/all that.
Be well and be happy.

Answer 8

wow I know this is hard and I can so relate my dad died from lung cancer on my b-day in 1998 and I hadn't seen him in about 23 years I didn't find out about the cancer until he was dead he'd told everyone not to tell my sister or myself. His wife even left mine and my sisters name out of the obituary my sis made our own called the forgotten daughters of Burgess Moore. My kids didn't know their grand-dad and I was living out of state i told my 2 youngest daughters who were grown if they wanted 2 see their grandfather they better go to his funeral so they went mostly to pay me respects as I wasn't flying home to a funeral for a man who abused me all during childhood until he left when i was 12 and then wanted nothing to do with my kids as they are bi-racial. I cried the day he died not so much from losing him as he'd been gone years before but becuse now i knew i would never have a relationship with my dad his choice his loss. Do what you think is right not what someone tells you dads are dads sperm donors are just that. Good Luck if you need to e-mail me trust me I understand

Answer 9

WELL, I DO UNDERSTAND,,,,some parents whether they realize it or not...are very harsh...and don't see the consequences of their actions....believe me...I DO NOT KNOW, BUT I AM ASSUMING HE IS A SMOKER....UNLESS HE contracted some environmental cancer...either way...it has been 20 years...and i know you feel he doesn't exist...and hasn't for sometime.....since you want my opinion, and i am in my 40's....and both of my parents have passed over...i was glad i was there! ANYWAY!!!THEIR WAYS ARE NOT OUR WAYS...but i was glad i was around when they needed me....suggestion you don't h ave to take...but maybe, so you don't have ANY GUILT ABOUT THIS....GO VISIT HIM....AND just say.,..."hi Dad!"...and see what he says...he may in his own little way...BE NICER AND SAY,,,GEEZ I KNOW I WASN'T A VERY GOOD DAD....AND I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO SAY...I AM SORRY!!! ( i have heard a lot of fathers tell their sons and daughters that when they are dying)...it is sad that it takes that long to just say...'you know, i am sorry."...atleast i do not have trouble saying it!!! But most men do...it WAS THEIR TRAINING WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG!!! GO FIGURE...I just do not want you to be sorry you never said GOODBYE!!!

Answer 10

I am sure that even though you say that you have no good feeling towards your dad, You do have them. Deep inside, you know that you love your dad at least a little. You should help your dad in any way you can because no matter how bad he was he is still your father and he gave you life. Now that your father's life is about to end you should be with him and thank him for the good things he gave and did to you.

Answer 11

You know everyone screws up, Your dad is a human being...i am not saying you need to do anything other than forgive him...Not for Him...For you.It does not mean forgetting it means letting go!..It takes to much energy to carry a resentment around...I had one for my dad and only hurt myself....I think you need to really look at it..How freeing it could be for you to say...Dad I forgive you and it is okay.....
Lung Cancer is the REAL DEAL..It is very progressive and you do need to work this out sooner than later.....Good Luck Brother (in the black way not the religous)...head up and Go forward....