Why do I do this?!?

Question

I have this part of me that, some of the time I am proud of my confidence, and other times I really hate it. Whenever I am with people I get really loud and opinionated, I have to be the centre of attention, I say things that are really outrageous, sometimes insulting, and totally inappropriate in the context. Afterwards it really upsets me and sometimes I have panic attacks or dissociation, and decide next time I'll just stay quiet, but I can't. Sometimes I really embarrass myself, I can see people looking at me like I'm some sort of freak, but I just can't stop myself. I used to speak to a psychologist about this and they said it probably isn't that bad and nobody is really bothered, but I have seen the way people look at me, and they would obviously be bothered by some of the things I say. I get really worried that my behaviour will push away my closest friends, even though I never have it still worries me. I wish I could control myself enough to just shut up, but I can't.

Answer 1

Your behaviour seems perfectly normal to me. Everybody (except self-absorbed people with narcissistic personalities) questions whether they have upset others - this is part of how humans develop self awareness. At times we will be more or less aware of other's reactions either because we are prompted by our confidence to say more provocative things (perhaps when disinhibited by substances or hormones) or because we are in a mood where confidence is naturally low. Hormones, fatigue, substances (such as cannabis and LSD) can create a hypersensitivity to the reactions of others at the same time as causing us to say stupid stuff. The best way to deal with the problem is to continue developing your self awareness by continuing to engage in social interaction, preferably when sober. Your friends clearly don't think you're pathologically stupid or insane or they would have told you so by now. The worst thing that you can do is start to avoid situations where you experience this social anxiety because that will make it worse and you'll end up scared of your own shadow. By feeling the fear and doing it anyway you will develop your social skills and your anxiety levels will decrease.

I work in mental health and have found that unfortunately many people with mental health problems become so dominated by the social anxiety caused by their fear of saying/doing something stupid that they don't leave the house or engage in relationships - and that really is stupid. Social interaction, like any skill, gets better with practice. Social isolation, like any weakness, gets worse if you let it become your dominant force.

Answer 2

Hi

I was surprised at my reaction to your question as I have just been away for a few days and found myself reflecting on my behaviour during that time - similarly to yourself.

I suspect it isn't as bad as I imagined, and that it is a lack of confidence that actually causes the problem. I had to work at my confidence for many years and everyone thinks I am a very confident and self-assured person - but I don't. I believe that my outgoing personality is false and something I worked at and is now second nature - but not natural and I don't 'feel' confident, just act it.

I'm now over 60 and still trying to come to terms with this strange 'me' whom others see differently. I shall not stop trying to be a better, more controlled (not controlling!) communicator, but I am aware that most people seem to enjoy my company.

Don't feel that you will push away your closest friends - they are friends and know you, otherwise they would not be friends.

Just keep working at it and try not to go to extremes. Please relax though - you don't have to shut up - you've obviously got a lot to say - so say it .... but try to be diplomatic and considerate of others' feelings.

You sound a really good person - don't change too much!

Good luck

x

Answer 3

I know that this may seem stupid, but do you think you could have some kind of social phobia. It seems to me that you could feel (without knowing it yourself) uncomfortable in such situations and you make "up" for it by being the way you are! Maybe try talking to a different psychologist or your own doctor again.

I know someone who acts exactly the same way as you do, including the panic attacks, dissociation and upset afterwards and it turned out to be a form of social phobia. Being her friend I accept her for what she is and understand that this is not her fault.

Answer 4

I think I would take what you have any day over being so shy I could never bring myself to say anything in public. Around someone who is smart, you could blurt out just about anything and he would give it the right spin for you. The problem is that some people have a knack for getting on the wrong side of just about everything. What we must remember is that it is not always we who are at fault when we either fail to communicate, or communicate too much and wish we had kept our mouth shut. - C.

Answer 5

Everyone has parts of themselves that they don't like. Learning to live with them is the hardest thing. But don't beat yourself up about it. If you are frightened of scaring away your closest friends talk to them about it. I think you would be surprised how reassuring they can be and how much they can understand. Do not whatever you do, try to change yourself for other people or to make others feel more comfortable. The only reason to change would be if you feel it would make you a better person which is bull****. Be yourself but let others know if you are having problems. After all that's what friends are for.

Answer 6

AWOL,
I really don't know how you can control yourself- I believe you When you say you don't like the things you say but that you just can't stop yourself. You really need to find a Psyche that can take you seriously and help you with this. The only thing that I feel sure about and that I think my very possibly be that you don't have faith in yourself and you are trying to compansate by eratic behavior. You are looking to accept yourself and needing others to accept you. Yes it makes more sence that you think- that your behavior feels like you will hurt "if only someones feelings, than to take the chance that others won't hurt you frist. We just have an array of ways of protecting ourself even if they don't make sense to us. Keep in touch, let me know how you are doing . my e-mail add. is [e-mail]
STAY WELLJ!!

Answer 7

I think that this is normal, I think everyone says and does things that embarresed themselves at some point in their life, I think that the psychologist is right, and you should not worry about this to much, just try to be a nice person and dont analyze to much what you have done unless it hurts people,

Answer 8

i would go to a different psychologist, you pay enough money for them they could at least give you a better diagnosis and talk to you about it more and figure out why you do it. go talk to a different doctor maybe they can help more

Answer 9

Hehehe embrace it, that is what i did, i embraced it and used it to make friends, the ones that arn't bothered by my annoyingness are true friends

Answer 10

Tony, don't worry yourself. Gordon is nigh!