asking advice from anyone who has had a 2-3 year old.?

Question

My daughter is 2 1/2. She can be incredibly "rotten". She spits on whatever she wants to while shes looking at you tell her no. She cut the cats foot with a pair of sissors she found (agreed that that was my fault), she will pick up her brothers drink and deliberatly pour it on the floor. When I tell her no she smiles at me and continues to do whatever it is she isn't suppose to. I've tried time out, I've tried little "pops on the butt", I've tried ignoring her, I've even tried pretending to cry. I also have a son that is almost 13 and he is completely opposite her...always has been. I am at a loss. Some of her behavior just seems to be a little above and beyond a normal "terrible 2" . .........Oh yeah...and the fits she throws , at home and in public...awful and they last forever an hour or two sometimes. Only serious advice please. Thanks a lot.

I was so concerned about getting my point across that i forgot to mention that on the other hand,,,she really is a very sweet a beautiful child. She gives lots of love and incredibly smart...she draws and paints actual pictures..not scribble. I just don't know how to handle the bad times.

Answer 1

First of all, are there new changes in her life (move, new school, new sibling, family issues or stress)? If so, give her a little extra love and support.

As for the tantrums, temper tantrums are caused by children who are not getting their needs met. If they are not throwing a tantrum because they are ill, hungry, or tired, they will throw a tantrum because it feels powerful, they get attention for it, they are testing limits, or they are simply feeling frustrated. She is getting attention from you when she is misbehaving, though it may be negative attention, it is still attention.

Help her to feel powerful by saying thing like “Look how fast you can run! You jumped super high! You did that by yourself! You stacked every block! You used so many colors on you picture!” These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy).These phrases are great ways to help your daughter feel powerful, gain confidence, and show attention in a positive way.

Using natural and logical consequence when she is misbehaving will work best. Taking away a toy or privilege when you daughter spills her brother’s milk is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if she throws it or is destructive with it is logical. Here are some examples of natural and logical consequences. When she spills her brother’s milk, give her a towel to wipe it up. If she tries to hurt the cat, be overly dramatic about keeping her away from the cat. When she spits, take her to the bathroom, point to the toilet and say "You can spit here. When you've finished then you can come out." Tell her what you expect of her and what she can expect when you go out in public. It she throws a tantrum, leave immediately. When she tells you “No” or misbehaves in other ways (throws a tantrum), get down to her level and say “I do not like when you (explain what and why in very few words).” Take her gently to a quiet area away from you and say “When you are ready to (stop, behave, listen, calm down…) then you can come back with me. This is not a time out because you are not setting a time limit (you controlling her). She returns when she is ready to control herself. You may have to return her to the designated spot before she gets the message. Keep it up!

Empathize with her when she is behaving. “I can tell you were feeling very (mad, angry, upset, hurt, sad, frustrated). What can we do about that?” Do some problem solving and give her words to use. She will then learn to better express herself.

Set limits, follow through with them, and offer choices, not chances. Pick you battles! You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the FIRST time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Answer 2

I do not have kids but have lots of nieces and nephews that I watch all the time and have a few that sound just like yours... I know it sounds crazy but watch Nanny 911 on TV she has good ideas really! you need a room that she can't destroy and has nothing she can play with like a spare guest room or a laundry room and when she does something wrong you need to explain what she did and why its wrong then make her apologize if she is speaking enough to do so. But overall she is still young to really know whats wrong and right so maybe have little lessons in right and wrong by giving examples.
Also slaps on the hand and no "tata-ing" or attention after may help, i am from Louisiana and i was whipped with a belt if i was bad and i turned out fine
Also praise her when she does good she will realize being sweet pays off more then being mean

Answer 3

Marnonyah has it right on!! several things I would have pointed out, but wont repeat it. Great insight there and so sensible and logical...Definately,,, any human will do what ever behaviours they can think of to get their desired 'result'. If it is attention, then Yes, negative attention is Still attention. When 'we' and i mean children and adults alike,,get even a small amount of satisfaction from our actions, then we will automatically continue that behaviour to get the same result. Even if there is only a small amount of positive. And when we dont get any satisfaction, then we try something else. This is just the way our behavioural system works. Not really comparable, but imagine the women of the world in abusive situations' are they stupid? no not necessarily, but they are getting something from the relationship or partner that they need and want, so as long as they get what they want, maybe only a small amount of it, then they will continue to put up with the negative.

Answer 4

Wow! That's one independant minded little girl u have there! it's funny cause i have a 3 1/2yr old daughter who abused our cat aswell, as much as u feel that your the only one experiencing this kind of behaviour it does get better. And they say girls are so sweet, My daughter went from Satans child to a cherrub within the last yr, the thing we found to change her was by putting her into Pre-School, at home they know exactly what they have to do to push every button in ur system but at Pre-School they have a new environment and they get a chance to mingle with other kids and see how they go about ways of doing things, not only that, the teachers are qualified to deal with these sorts of behavioural outbursts, and not personally knowing the child in their home environment, the child would not carry on like this, you would be quite surprised, they come home so happy and your "actually happy" to see them. Also u will love the time u get back to ur self. As far as tantrums go, i got that fed up that one day at the local shopping centre i got down on the floor and starting kicking and screaming and threw a little tantrum of my own. U will find that as embarrassing as it seems your daughter will be more embarrassed than you and alot of parents will usually applaud you on your bravery instead of abuse, but definately works that i can promise. Just hang in there! it WILL get better, from a mother who swore that she was never having anymore children after my first experience, i now not only have a 3 1/2yr old daughter but i have a 1yr old son and am now pregnant with my third due in 12wks. Goodluck to you and remember.... counting to 10, 20, or even 100 will help.

Answer 5

Remember that as her mother, you are the only person she has to rebel against in order to formulate her sense of herself as an individual distinct from you.

You can write a very simple list of bad behaviours and consequences and put it on the fridge and carefully explain it all to her. Pick out four specific behaviours that she does frequently that annoy you - just work on four at a time - and write next to each one a simple consequence which she won't enjoy. At her age she will understand this if you make it very clear and simple.

Eg. Spitting on the floor = Lose favourite toy for one hour, instantly, and without discussion or anger.

If she throws fits out of the home, it's very easy - explain to her that if she throws a tantrum while you are out, you will just strap her straight back into her carseat and take her home for the rest of the day. No discussion, no anger, and also - no fun outing. This method is proven and foolproof, slightly inconvenient to you, but you won't have to do it more than three times, I assure you.

Good luck with your little angel!

Answer 6

You just need to be consistent. She is at an age where she is testing her boundaries and seeing what she can get away with. Time outs should be as long as their age: for example if they are 2 then time out is 2 minutes. May not seem like a long time but to a two year old being made to just sit for 2 min is an eternity. Don't give in to tantrums. If she does one at home let her be, don't talk to her don't act annoyed just ignore her behavior....she's doing it for attention (kids that age want attention doesn't matter if its neg or positive attention) If she does it in public remove yourself and her from the situation until she calms down. Don't threaten to leave the store then don't. Tell her she needs to stop what she is doing if she does it again you are leaving... then leave if she does it again. I've left grocery carts full of food before because of the way my daughter was acting. Then dont bring her with you the next time. I know its frustrating and doesn't seem like its gonna end but it will. Just decide on a course for punishment such as time out and stick with it. Its gonna take time though. If you decide to keep going with time outs.. dont send her to her room there is too much to play with in there.. make her sit in a chair that is only used for time outs in a place where she cant find anything to get into. Good Luck Sweet Heart

Somebody earlier made a comment about your crying... as a mom with a "difficult" 18 mo, I completely understand that you get to a pt where you are disperate and will try anything. But I've found that young kids will either find that funny or have no effect on them. My son is into hitting right now. He may too young to understand but when he hits I tell him no and tell him that it hurts mommy. If she spills something on purpose make her clean it up, if she spits make her clean it up. Hope this helps.

Answer 7

I have a 12 year old son that came into the world gentle, loving, and kind. He was no effort at all. I could take him anywhere and he was content. However my 2 year old daughter gave me a run for my money. She too does those things. I think to myself that this is above and beyond the normal terrible twos. She has brought me to tears some days. Sometimes I don't even want to take her out because she rules. It is an exhausting battle and I would rather stay home and I am pregnant! I would like to mention I am a stay at home mom and I think she just simply tunes me out because she hears me all day. But she listens to my husband. It is like night and day. I would like advice as well. Girl I know what you are going through. We put her in a toddler adventure class 2 days a week for 2 1/2 hours a day that helps with socialization and it has helped tremendously. Check into something like that in your area. I know it gives me a break and she has a ball.

Answer 8

First of all, you need to get a grip on things. She's not the BOSS and you need to tell her that vocally and behaviorally. Sit down with her when you're both calm and explain to her rules. Tell her that there will be a consequence for breaking the rules. Tell her what the consequence will be. You have to spell out things for kids. Remember, they are just starting to learn how things work. They don't know that if you cut someone it will hurt them or if you hit someone, it hurts their feelings, etc . This has to be taught to her by you.
They have to be explained every single little thing. And that's what parenting is all about. Also, stick to your own rules too. If you've explained to her that hitting is wrong and she will get a timeout if she does it, then you have to keep yourself from hitting or "popping" too. Be consistent in punishment, even if it's inconvenient. ALways praise her for things she's doing right, even when it's very small. Things are not going to change overnight. It will take atleast 3 weeks of consistent follow through for you to see improvement and things will get better for both of you from then on.
Hope this helps.

Answer 9

You say pops on the butt, but I am all for a real spanking. My husband and I have a paddle that we use. It has only been used twice, because all we have to do now is say the word paddle and all is well. If spank, it has to hurt or they won't take you serious, I am not saying leave a mark or anything, but a firm spanking that lets them know what has gone on. You must be consistent. If she throws a fit in the store, you pick her up and drag her little butt out of the store. Then the next time you need to go you tell she is not going with you. That worked for me as far as fits in stores. When she misbehaves take her to a room with no distractions and make her stay there till she agrees to behave like she should.
Sounds like you need the nanny - maybe you could apply for the show.
Good Luck

Answer 10

Terrible two's and horrible 3's. Im going through that as we speak. Excpet I seem to have got a handle on things now. Thank goodness. What I found that has worked it time out, she hates it. I have to stick to my guns with her and that is kinda tough for me. I make her sit there for 2 minutes(her age its appropriate). I have 2 older children 10 and 8 and the last on the way. My older children were not like her either. As for the spitting try a little thump in the mouth when she does it. Not hard just to get her attention. Good Luck