My boyfriend is great, sober but starts talking about fantasies when he's drunk.?

Question

My boyfriend is a wonderful guy until he starts to get drunk. He is always very loving but, he starts talking about his fantasies with other women and how he'd like for us to have a threesome. He recently told me he is deeply attracted to a couple of his daughter's friends and that he has had fantasies of seducing them. I find myself not trusting him anymore and although I love him, I don't want to be with someone who has to talk about other women. He always tells me I can trust him but, I don't know how he has come to this conclusion. What do others think? Why would he tell me things when he's drinking and then have no recollection of it later?? I'm torn and understandably upset about this.

I trust the fact that my bf finds other women attractive, that's the nature of things and yes, I find other's attractive also. My point here is, I don't think it's necessary for him to constantly tell me his fantasies... He already knows I won't get involved in a threesome, it's not my thing and I don't want to know that he has fantasies of seducing his daughter's friends who by the way are only 18 years old. That's my gripe.

Answer 1

There are multiple problems here.

The first is your boyfriend's repeated drunkenness. It sounds like he's a man who does not understand how to moderate his alcohol use and I'm sure that impairs his relationship with you in a number of ways.

One of these, no doubt, is that he uses drunkenness as an opportunity to present to you ideas he knows you will find disgusting and hurtful. By doing this when he is drunk, he thinks he is less responsible for what he says. Don't believe it.

I don't doubt that when he tells you these things he is trying to see how you will react, hoping you will say, "Yea, let's have sex with a teenager!"

When you don't react in this way, he can deny he even remembers saying it, thereby skirting your rightful anger.

Just as this man seems unable to control his drinking, he seems unable to control his sexual thought life. Do you really want to be involved with a man with such a weak grasp on himself?

I think you'll need to communicate to him that both his drinking and his unrestrained desire for sex with other women are unacceptable to you. Tell him that if he wants to keep you, he will have to give up both.

Finally, do you really just want to have a "boyfriend" all your life? Do you not want a solid, respectful, mature marriage someday. If you do, this guy sure doesn't sound like a candidate for that kind of relationship.

Answer 2

You sound very confused. Would you really rather he looked and thought these things without telling you? You'd be in more danger then. When you get in the habit of telling the truth, you tend to keep telling the truth. If a man says he's never been attracted to another woman in his entire life, then you've got something to worry about because he's lying. If he's lying about one thing, what else can he lie about? But if he says that he finds other women attractive, then you know he's not lying. Last I remember, telling the truth was a matter you would want to count in favor of trusting someone, not against. OK, so he looks at other girls. And let me guess: you never ever ever find any other men attractive. You never look at a Hollywood actor and think he's cute. If you do, then under your own criteria how can he trust you? If he can trust you despite the fact you find other men attractive, can't you trust him despite the fact he finds other women attractive? Now the fact that you don't tell him that you find other men attractive, that's something that I find worrysome. If my wife didn't tell me honestly what she thought of other men, I'd wonder what all she wasn't telling me.

As to the telling you when he's drunk and not remembering later, such is the nature of drinking, which is why I don't drink.

Answer 3

O.K.
Unless he has a SERIOUS drinking problem (in which case, he should be alone to sort himself out) there is no way he would repeatedly talk about a fantasy and have no recollection of it when sober.
All the alcohol is doing is opening up an honest heart. Only you can decide whether you can trust him - If you can't then no matter how you love him, you need to get gone.

In my experience, when I guy goes on about having a threesome, then he isn't fully committed. Even more so, if you have shown no interest in participating. If someone truly loves you, they want you and only you. Real men don't like to share.

Answer 4

If he truly has no recollection he drinks way too much - which is your first reason to end it with him. If his daughter's friends are under 18 then there is the second. A fantasy in itself is harmless but combined with a drinking problem he may not be able to control himself and he may try to act on his fantasies at some point. You should tell him how you feel. Just tell him exactly what you told us and see what he does. Good luck.

Answer 5

It sounds pretty creepy to me...

I know people get pretty wasted, but saying that he is attracted to his daughter's friends and wants to do them calls for some serious confrontation.

When he is sober he probably is keeping his 'fantasies' to himself when he is around you or others...

Talk to him.

Answer 6

"He recently told me he is deeply attracted to a couple of his daughter's friends and that he has had fantasies of seducing them"

Why does that line not seem to alert anyone else but me??

Answer 7

Tell him to cut down on the drinking.

Answer 8

well it is talk, and as long as he doesn't act on them you have nothing to worry about. Maybe try talking to him again or turn the tables and see how he likes it

Answer 9

Some drunks are annoying. Try not to be around him when he's drunk

Answer 10

"When the liquor is in, the truth is out."

He drinks far too much and you may need to chastise him on this point