My son's father is dying...he wants to see his son....should I let him?

Question

My son is 12 years old. I had pre-marriage sex with a ex boyfriend and thus my son was born. My ex didn't want anything to do with the kid at the time so I was left to raise him alone. Now 12 years have passed and I got a phone call a couple days ago. My ex wants to see his son. And he told me he is dying from HIV. (slept with too many woman after me I assume.) I personally don't think he deserves to see my son. He never paid for child support, sent him birthday cards, or tried to even get in contact with us until now. I know I may sound heartless, but that man was heartless! Leaving me pregnant! And I don't want my son to go through the trama of death.....I really don't know what is right to do....

Answer 1

The right thing to do is to allow your son to see him. He needs to know and have a chance to incorporate that into who he is. He is old enough to make that decision himself.

If he finds out later somehow that you disallowed him that opportunity, it could spell trouble.

Since he is not bonded to him emotionally, it won't be as hard on him when his dad dies. A child of this age is able to process information on death, better now than when he is older.

Answer 2

There is more to life then paying child support and sending birthday cards. The man is dying and you have to let all that go at this point. You can't change the past and what's done is done. Seems like oyu both were just having sex together and slipped up on your son. Can't blame him if he didn't want to be a dad. He had that choice just like we women have the choice. I mean it sounds like YOU decided to have your son not BOTH of you. So you can't hold him liable especially if he told you he didn't want to be a dad. I'm sorry but I don't see that as heartless of him. If we can make the call to abort a child without a mans say so then they should be able to walk and not have the chick mad at them. Anyway, you should let your son decide if he wants to see his dad or not. He is old enough to make that call. If he says no and he is fine with his dad dying and never knowing him then so be it. If he is interested in knowing the man before he dies then let him. What harm can ot do. It's not like he will be around all the time from now on. And your son is not a baby, he will have to see death at some point. With a grandparent or something. So it's not like he is 5 and it will traumatize him. Let him decide what he wants to do.

Answer 3

I might, on a couple of conditions, one he faxes me a copy of the hiv positive report and a copy of his birth certificate and social security card. Why you ask? Well, if he never sent a dime of child support, haivng those documents can entitle your son to ssi or ss with his father in his present condition and when he passes. You may not need the money, but you could bank it for your son (at least he will have something!) from his father to be used for his future or if you need it, it will make life better for both of you. Also, having those documents will make it easier to get those benefits for your boy. I would want your ex to be very careful about his "visit" and maybe use it as a learning experience. Tell your son that you have heard from his dad and that he would like to see him, prepare him (nicely, the man is dying and this will live with your son till the day he dies , I mean what you do and say) and ask him if he would like to see his dad before he dies? If he says no, tell you ex no, the boy isn't up for this, if he says yes, do your best to put your bitterness about his father behind you, you need to be there for your son. I will tell you this, tread carefully with your son, he will not forgive you making this decision without him, but that doesn't mean you can't ask for some concessions from the ex such as the ss # and a certain amount of decorum for your sons sake. This is a delicate situation and I wish you every grace going through this. God bless you and give you strength to continue to be the good Mother you have been all this time! Good luck!

Answer 4

This man isn't your son's father. He is a sperm donor. That's all. He doesn't know your son, hasn't paid child support, hasn't contacted him, hasn't claimed parental rights -- now because he is dying he's playing the pity card and wants to see his son. Big deal. He had twelve years to do that.
Right now you have to think about what is best for your son. He's never known his biological father. What is the point in introducing him to the man, saying, "This is your father" which is going to be very traumatic for your son because every kid wants to know their father, know that they are wanted and loved and only some horrendous circumstance kept the family from being together. These are all the things your son is going to be thinking about. He'll never have a chance to know his father. The guy is dying. He can't make up for twelve years of neglect in one visit. And the deliberately ask to set up such an emotionally charged meeting, knowing that he is then going to subject his son to the trauma of losing a newly discovered father, is heartless in the extreme. This guy is selfish beyond belief, and you don't need to bring all that grief into your son's life.
If you want to do anything at all, send the guy a picture of his son. That's all he deserves. In fact, he doesn't even deserve that, but you can be gracious if you feel like it.
By the way, congrats to you for keeping the boy and raising him by yourself. Not an easy thing to do, but it sounds like you're a pretty good mom. Now prove it, by keeping that creep out of your son's life.

Answer 5

I had close to the same experience. The only difference is Ron, my son's father is not dying. For the first eleven years my son did not know his father. Ron did the same thing and did not attempt to reach out to his son. No calls, no birthday cards . . . nothing. When my son turned eleven I realized he was going through some changes that had much to do with his identity and discovering and understanding who he was. I knew that it was time he got to know this man no matter how repulsive this man was in my eyes.

Much of his identity, how he looks, how well he does in sports, medical history etc. is tied up in this man. So I extended the olive branch and brought the two men together. Did I regret it? Yes and no. I still wish the man would fall off the face of the earth but my son needed to know him. He has benfited from knowing him. He also learned for himself what an a_ _ hole he is too.

Your son is old enough to make this choice. Give him the information he needs to make a good decision for himself. It is not about this man. It is about your son and your realtionship with your son. When this man kicks you will be left with your son. That is the most important dynamic here. Respect your son's ability to know what to do.

Just be there for him. Do not attack this man it just makes you look bitter and bad. Be honest with your son about this man and what he did and did not do. Just leave the venum out.

Before you introduce your son to this man make sure you set some ground rules with his father. Make sure he knows you are doing this for your son, not him. With that in mind he better not do anything to hurt your child dying or not.

Answer 6

It is sad to say that a lot people do not realize what is important in life until they are dying. I think this man is repenting and wants to set things right with his son before he dies. The problem is that it does not matter what you think of this man, because at some point your son will want to know more about this man. If he finds out that he had a chance to meet him before he died and you denied him this right, then he will blame you. It is a tough decision. At 12 I think your son will understand what you are telling him and he probably is going to want to see him. It will his only chance to look at his dad and talk to him to know him at all. Yes he will have to experience the pain of the death of his father, but you can not shield him forever from the bad things in life. Have some empathy for the father and show him the kindness that he could not show you.

Answer 7

Thanks for asking this question. It shows that you do have consideration for everyone. OK - My take is that this is your son's father and no matter what he did or does, your son has the right to see and know his father. In this case I would ask the boy and let him make the decision. I think 12 is old enough for a boy to decide if an absent father is now worth consideration. Not to tell your son, may come back in later life when he finds out he had this chance. Give the chance to him. Hope this helps you with your decision. I know it is one of the hardest you will ever make.

Answer 8

1) does he have HIV or AIDS? which one?
2) medically HIV is now a controlled disease somewhat like diabetes tho with diabetes the infection can not be transmitted. Meds control HIV and people live basically a normal healthy and productive life. this is fact.
3) if he has aids then the outcome is not as good as if he were being treated for HIV. The diagnosis of AIDS begins when the HIV infection becomes almost untreatable by medications that control the growth of the disease. Once the HIV gets to the point it can not be maintained and is only wordsening, AIDS becomes the diagnosis.
4) Many people live with HIV for over 20 years. I do not know the current stat on this. Magic Johnson for instance is living with HIV for over 15 years and appears to be quite healthy from his medication.
5) call dr Laura Slesinger on her daily national talk radio show . she will help you with a well thought out answer that will be in the BEST interest of your son, as he is the one here who needs preferential consideration. I dont know her phone #... maybe 1-800-DRLAURA... or look up her website.

Answer 9

I think you will regret it if you don't. That man might not have made a right decision in what he did, but you made the decision to sleep with him when you weren't married to him so you took that risk. As for the ex he could have changed by now and wants to explain things to his son. I know it may be hard for both of you, but do you want to be the cause of your son's regrets in the future. Talk to your son. If he really protests about going then don't force it. If he's not sure then take him to see his dad. It'll probably be good for him. It would definitely teach him about forgiveness which is very important in life. Don't let your anger and your feelings keep you from doing the best thing for your son. Of course the death will be hard to deal with, but you can't keep him from those things. Death is a part of life and always will be. Your son might also benefit from other family members who weren't able to get to know him, but really wanted to.Good luck to you all.

Answer 10

Ask your son. If he doesn't want to go, don't go, end of story. If he's not sure, or he might, tell him that you love him. And that even though his father left him, you will always be there to take care of him. Tell him his father may not be alive for that much longer. I often find that people don't react that much to deaths of people they don't know. You son may be upset, but I don't think he will be to an extreme point.
And I'm sure your son wants answers. Tell him as much as you feel you can, and make his father answer the ones he has to own up to.


Good luck