I'm getting married and can't seem to please my Mother!?

Question

My fiance and I are preparing for our wedding next year. It's not about how many people attend, how many gifts we get, having the most beautiful dress etc, it's about us, the vows and our family being there. Originally we said we'd have a simple ceremony and a backyard bbq, my mother called it "Tacky", so than we said "ok simple ceremony and casual reception..jeans and all" that was called "Red-necked", now we've firmly decided to rent a cottage up north (about 2 hrs from here) have the ceremony there and then party, letting out of towners crash for the night and in turn spending our honeymoon at this cottage. It's perfect, it's us, it's what we want to do. But now my mother is saying "people wont come if they have to drive 2 hrs, your sisterinlaw will have a new baby, it's not convienant", etc. How do I deal with her without offending her? It's OUR wedding. We feel if people want to come..they will. Any suggestions? My mother never had strong opinions when my 2 brothers got married.

And I must add, she isn't paying for the wedding...the both of us are...and we have more important things to spend our money on..than a large wedding. Besides..a large wedding doesn't reflect us..a large party with friends in a relaxed atomosphere does.

Answer 1

If you are paying, then you should stand strong by what the two of you want!!!! It is about you and your sweetie!!! My best friend got married 3 hours from where we all lived and she had over 150 people make the drive. I say go for what you want!!! Have fun and best wishes!!!

Answer 2

Well, your mother has spent your whole life anticipating the day when she's the "mother of the bride," so maybe that will explain a little why she's freaking out and has such strong opinions over the ceremony, etc. Having said that, you're absolutely right, the ceremony/reception is about you and your fiance, it's not about her at all. I don't know how you deal with her without offending her, it may not be possible. I would calmly set her down in a neutral location (ie: lunch at a restaurant) and explain your reasoning as to why you're having the wedding you're having. Tell her that her comments/opinions, etc., are hurtful, and are taking away some of the joy you should be feeling over this event in your life. You sounded very convincing in your question here, and very level headed, so just try to get that across to your mom. The neutral location is key though, she can't make too big of a stink if you're out in public. Best of luck to you!!!

Answer 3

Be sweet but firm. Tell her these are the plans that you're making, and let everyone know in advance so they can start planning. You cannot please everyone all the time, at some point you just have to draw the line and say, that's it, this is as far as we're willing to go on that - even when it comes to your own mom sometimes. There are pros and cons in every decision, and nothing will ever be perfect. I assure you: if you make a reasonable effort to accomodate your guests, everyone will have fun - including your mom.

We chose to have a very informal wedding, there was nothing traditional about it - and my mother-in-law wasn't quite sure til the very last minute what to make of it. She even offered to help pay for a "real" wedding, but we simply did not want the hassle and the stress that comes with it, we're a totally laid-back couple. So, we went ahead with our plans; it was 3 hours away from the town we live in, his parents came from across the country, and my dad came from across the world; everyone who really wanted to make it made it - and people had a blast. I would do it all over again without changing a thing.

Answer 4

First of all, you're absolutely right - its YOUR wedding day! I am going through the same thing right now - I'm getting married in February 2007, and we were going to go to an Inn about 2 hours from home, bringing just our immediate family and doing a weekend destination wedding. When my mother got word of this, she told me that "so and so will be devastated if you don't invite them" and "don't you want to be married around all your friends and family?" Since my fiance and I are paying for our wedding, I didn't feel obligated to honor what is ultimately HER wishes! I did discuss it with my fiance, and we have decided that since we're getting married in the winter that we will forego getting married up where there is no doubt about having lots of snow and have something more local. BUT...we are doing this the way we want - simple, small, and "different" - we're only looking at more rustic or historic sites for our reception, and we're having a small wedding party, and having the type of food we want as well.

Hang in there, be firm (but respectful) and let your mother know that this is YOUR day, and though you respect her opinion, it is ultimately YOUR final decision how your wedding will happen!

Answer 5

Welcome to the wonderful world of getting married vs the MOM. From the sounds of it thank your stars you just have your mother and not his also.
Take it in stride. It is your wedding and evidently your buck, do what you want, but remember one thing. No matter what they say mothers live vicarously through their daughters, take into account what she did at her wedding. If she did the same thing that you are planning maybe she has some regrets about the memories.
Tell your mom how you are feeling. When ever I have to communicate with my mother, who can be very difficult. I write her a letter. I drop it off and say I will come over on the weekend and we can talk about this, until then I want you to see my point. I started doing this when I was sixteen and we were not getting along. Worked for me.

Answer 6

Nothing else causes more fights between the Mother and Daughter than the Daughter's wedding day. Most of the time the Mom is trying to live her wedding out again, maybe she didn't do something she really wanted to when she got married. When I was planning my wedding, my Mom would say well aren't you going to do so and so, and I would say Nope I am doing it this way. I never changed my mind to please her or anyone else. But she didn't expect me to either. She just wanted me to be happy, but was sad because I was her daughter. Maybe the reality that you will be moving on is getting to your Mom. Sit down and talk with her, tell her this is what you want and you don't want her feelings to get hurt, but that it would mean so much to you if she would support your plans. She will come around, just plan your day to your and your fiance's liking, and everything will be just fine. Congratulations!

Answer 7

Do it your way, of course, but let your mother plan another reception a week later - at her place or wherever, where she can do the fancy stuff, and everyone who couldn't or wouldn't drive the 2 hours can come to that. And if she wants you to dress up a bit for it, I'd do that too. Make her happy. Every mother dreams of the big day for her lovely daughter - it's supposed to be a proud moment. There aren't that many big-deal events in life - birth, graduation, marrying - may as well do it up!

Answer 8

It looks like your going to have to have a sit down with her. First let her know that you understand where she is coming from (mom's feel differently about their girls then their boys)- you know she wants to see you happy and she wants to share the moment with others. Tell her whats most inportant to you and ask her to support you on that. Let her know if people can't make it you'll personnaly visit with these people and show them your wedding album (whether you do or don't doesn't matter, the point is to address her issues) Lastly, you have to let her know that you really do appreciate her opinions and suggestions (cause you'll need them as you get closer to the wedding). Good luck, its a touchy subject but if handled correctly everyone will be happy in the end.

Answer 9

First of all Congratulations. I feel it is your day and what makes both of you happy is not always makes parents happy. My father wanted us to have a bigger wedding than we did. We only wanted to have a smaller wedding with close friends and family. We felt it is our day and we are the ones paying for it. I talked to him about it and he understood. It was the happiest day of my life. My advice would be have a heart to heart with your mom tell her how you feel maybe she will understand. One of our friends was married at City Hall and had their reception in the forest preserves and her parents didn't think anyone would show up either. It turned out great and everyone showed up and had a great time. Just always remember it is your day and do what you can afford and makes you happy. Best Wishes and Good Luck!

Answer 10

Well tell her just what you said here, it is your wedding you have already changed it twice and your in love with this decision. If people come they come if they don't they don't, but this is how it is going to be. As you said she isn't the one paying for it or the one getting married so it really isn't up to her. If you are old enough to be getting married then you are old enough to realize you don't have to please anyone but yourself, it really sounds as if your mother has a problem with this marriage or as in most cases feels like she should have the wedding she wanted even though it is yours. Do your wedding your way, other wise you will regret it.

Answer 11

I'm guessing your the baby? Or the younger son? She is probably having a hard time of letting go. Just sit down and have a talk with her about it. You can tell her how you feel. She is your mother and she should understand. I know some people are very difficult, but if she gets offened, oh well, she will get over it. It is your day and you need to do what you want to do. Your not going to make everyone happy no matter what you do. So the important thing is to make yourself happy.