It's simple to me. My gf is the paradigm of a giving person, literally gives until it hurts, which was great for a while, but, obviously, she burns herself out routinely. So I can only speculate as to why she's like this, and I do have my theories, but how fair is it? If I take from her all she gives me, she'll burn herself out. If I reject it completely, she'll resent me for not accepting her. And if I take it sometimes, but not all the time, which has been my approach so far, she keeps me at arms length b/c I'm not interested in her enough. Are my only real options leave or keep putting up w/ it?
2006-11-15 04:42:45 · 15 answers · asked by randyken 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
You're in a very polite power struggle. There are two sides to giving: giving and receiving. If she doesn't know how to receive well, then she isn't doing the dance right. Many people who give and give but refuse to receive do it so they can feel in control and have the upper hand. Often they do not even know this themselves. It sounds like that might be your GF's situation (holding you at arms length is one indicator).
Bottom line: if you are uncomfortable with the relationship, move on. It sounds like you have reason to be, and now you have learned something about power dynamics within relationships too.
2006-11-15 04:46:21 · answer #1 · answered by Singinganddancing 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your gf is a giver, that is her way of showing someone that she loves and cares for them. If you turn down her "gifts" of giving, she feels as if you are not interested in her. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but I have a better idea. Get this book, called The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman and its about the 5 different love expressions that we think show we love someone. Read it together. You will not only gain insight into one another, but each other as well and can maybe learn to appreciate what each is actually doing to express it, although you may not have noticed before. I can remember this much from it, there are 5 styles one is gift giving, gift recieving, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time. It details how each one operates in conjunction with others. But it really opened my eyes to how not only I operated, but how others were operating with me and what I could do to appreciate and understand others as well as myself. My brother and his wife offer christian counseling and they have given me a lot of great books to read and this one will definitely help you in this situation. GOOD LUCK!
2006-11-15 13:03:23 · answer #2 · answered by Tippy's Mom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best way for her to understand that you aren't rejecting her is to be completely honest with her. Let her know that while you enjoy it, knowing that it hurts her takes away from the pleasure. I know that sometimes it's hard to have conversations like this, but if you guys are in a loving relationship you should be able to be comfortable enough to talk about issues like this one.
2006-11-15 12:54:55 · answer #3 · answered by bettedaviseyes79 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would talk to her about the issue. My wife has spent her entire life giving with no expectations. She is very similar to your girlfriend.
I explained to her that she deserves to be on the receiving end sometimes and that I would like to be there for her too. It worked quite well, but I still often have to remind her that her input is important and that she does not always have to give.
Also tell her that while you love having her be so good to you, you feel like you are taking advantage of her. Tell her that you need to take care of her sometimes too. Let her know that doing things for her makes you feel good just like she feels when she does things for you.
Take care,
Troy
2006-11-15 12:51:50 · answer #4 · answered by tiuliucci 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My first question would be why is she like this. she may be keeping you at arms length because she could be like so many woman that are afried of letting anyone in. afried you are going to leave her.
the next thing is I would sit her down and tell her that she is being over bearing and although you do love it that she gives all she can that you need to beable to give aswell.
2006-11-15 12:54:05 · answer #5 · answered by rainamem 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Compromise is the key to any long term relationship. You should talk to her about this situation, just as you did to strangers. If you cant talk to her then I think you guys have more issues than you thought. You do have to choose if you love her enough to compromise yourself, and if she is willing to do the same.
2006-11-15 12:48:16 · answer #6 · answered by starbrite 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
weird i am in the same position! my gf gives me so much attention it gets annoying sometimes.... i ve tried to break up with her but when i dont have her it sucks.... so i just put up with it and let her do what makes her happy, even though it gets on my nerves sometimes its better to have her than to not!! so if you like the attention mostly stay with her.... but if it gets on your nerves all the time leave! good luck
2006-11-15 12:50:00 · answer #7 · answered by _DestroyingAngel_ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her you don't want to take from her because you have too much respect for her. Tell her if you were to take everything she gives you, you would feel like you are using her and you don't want that because you are not.
2006-11-15 12:46:52 · answer #8 · answered by Billys girl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
u av to talk to her about her giving habits.tell her that while u appreciate her giving u stuff, she should not go to the great extent she does it.i believe she'll understand.
2006-11-15 12:46:26 · answer #9 · answered by dupsydups 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Giving too much IS a legitimate problem. Have you explained WHY you don't take everything she offers?
2006-11-15 12:45:36 · answer #10 · answered by Casey 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋