How do I handle my mom who insults my children?

Question

My mom plays favorites with her grandkids (9) and very blantant about it. Recently my son and his cousin got into an arguement. nehew head-butted my son and he put his foot out to stop him. when he fell he cried to his mom who called grandma. Neither grandma, mom or me were there. Two adults were who said my nephew started it and didn't cry til his mom showed up. Grandma called my son screaming, cussing and calling him names and wouldn't listen to his side. My son hung up because that's what he's been told to do when someone cusses on the phone. My son's feelings are hurt as are mine. She said some very hurtful things to him and its not the first time she has insulted one of her grandchildren. She won't talk about it just starts screaming and won't listen to the whole story. How should I handle this? She is only 59yrs, so it can't be dementia.

Thank you all. To answer, no I'm not concerned which kid did what. Kids fight one minute and play the next. Its the fact that my mother stepped into something that really wasn't any of her business. I agree that words are hurtful and can stick with a person all their lives. I am keeping him away from her and my youngest sister's family. They have very similar abrasive personalities and don't seem to care what they say or who it hurts. Its sad because my mother is the only living grandparent my kids have left but she is hard to be around. Very opinionated, critical and negative.

Answer 1

Oh man if my mother ever did that to one of my kids I would tell her and not hold back. She needs to know how childish she is being and how much she is hurting her own flesh and blood. If my relationship suffered because of it then oh well. Call it a mother lion protecting her cub.

Answer 2

Does mom have any substance issues or anything? This is awful for all involved. And the other grandkids are probably more than aware of this favouritism and play it to the max. Explain to your son that his grandmother might have some issues and that he is just as important as any of the others and that you love him unconditionally. If grandma calls cursing and swearing next time you take the phone and ask her not to contact your home when she is in such a foul mood as it affects the household negatively. If this woman is your mate's mother then speak with him and see if he can have a talk with her. If she is your mother then you need to do the same. Children should not be subjected to such behaviour from adults in their lives. Best of luck to you and your son.

Answer 3

Well I know how your son feels. I have not seen or talked to my grandmother in about 5 yrs and have no interest to. The woman was always that way to me and a few other cousins. She may end up regretting it one day, but I doubt it. I am planning my wedding and she nor non of her family except for my father is invited. None of them will know about either. They are a hateful lot. Your son will end up not liking her and want nothing to do with her. What she says does hurt, just reassure him that none of it is true and just to let it go. He will get over, I did. I just realized she was a grumpy old b*tch. Just try to keep him away from her as much as possible. We only had to see her on certain holidays and then not all of them. We were only there for like and hour a time too and we stayed away from her outside playing. Just look after your son, Good luck.

Answer 4

Wait for things to calm down a bit and try to talk to her. I would stress to her that you don't cuss around your children and you would appreciate it if she would respect that. I would also tell her that your child was very hurt by her harsh words. Try to make her understand that you want them to have a relationship with their Grandma but you won't have anyone treat your child that way. It's too bad that adults can be so stupid sometimes. I also wouldn't allow my child to be there without me anymore. It's probably best for you to be there so you can stop a bad situation from happening.

Answer 5

even if your son was at fault, it's completely inappropriate for your mom to speak to him like that on the phone. If possible, it makes it just that much worse that he seemingly wasn't at fault.

tell your son that you're going to talk to Grandma about it, but for the most part, leave him out of it--at least until it's resolved, he doesn't need to be subject to anymore adult stupidity.

Your mom does seem like she's being unreasonable, and because of that, you're the one who's going to have to be more flexible in finding a way to get your point across. It seems unfair, but if in the end, you do get your point across, it will be worth it. Perhaps you'll have to start with something like "I don't want to discuss who was at fault, that's not the point here--fine, if you think my son was....but I mostly want to discuss what happened after the fact." explain to her that when ANY child is at fault, the best way to impart that message to him isn't through freaking out and screaming and cussing--it's through being a calm example who explains things to you in a loving CALM manner. No one likes to listen to someone freaking out---they'll only listen if it's not ear breaking to hear. Remember that because that's your point, it's especially important that you act that way when discussing it with her. If you want her to treat your son calmly and fairly, you have to treat her that way.

Then---if your being a VERY fair and reasonable person does finally get through to her---perhaps then you can discuss trying to stay more neutral in dealing with the grandkids.

I know it's not fair---and believe me, you are being the much bigger person if you deal with it this way---but it's a good example to both your son and your mother. And even if you can't change your mothers' bias, hopefully at least you'll change the inappropriate way she talks to your son

Answer 6

Its called she has forfeited her grand parental rights by being a poor influence. Don't let your children be around her anymore. Let your mother know why you are doing this. In a clam and firm voice tell her that things won't change until she does. Stand your ground for your children's health and well-being.

Answer 7

So sorry. This is so sad.

Is this behaviour on her part new? or has she always been like that?

Dementia can hit at any age. And it sounds as though she's definitely having mental problems.

Can you encourage her to see a doctor? Meds may help.

Good for you that you are giving sound guidelines to your children on how to handle abuse. Well done!!

Good luck

Answer 8

all women are evil . . I know I am one . . .

she shouldn't play with her grand kids emotions but that's how some women behave. I would tell her straight up you notice her favoritizm toward certain grandkids and let her know that it effects the family . . not saying it will help I deal with this with my in-laws . . .my step mother in-law doesn't even acknowledge my kids as her grandkids they are her husbands grandkids she doensn't allow my kids to call her grandma

Answer 9

Don't let your child around her,if she wonders why you don't go around her tell her.my ex-mother in law is the same way,,I've told her and it work's.this will stay with your child.my girls is now 15 and she still talks about it .she might see her about 6-7 weeks,and we live 2 miles from her.she made her bed now let her live with it.who's the adult in that picture?your child has it's whole life to learn,,your mother knows BETTER. You raise your child and don't be around her,,,,I promise you it will stay with your child. your child will THANK YOU LATER ON IN LIFE,,Mine did.

Answer 10

She sounds like a "psycho" and I would not let her have much contact with you kids unless she is being supervised by some adults.