How do you regain your self esteem after an emotionally abusive relationship?

Question

Married an undiagnosed BPD.

Answer 1

Self esteem is all about loving yourself and taking good care of yourself. When you don't have it, it seems so hard......when you do have it, it seems effortless. I've been on both sides of self esteem and I can give you a plan to regain your self-esteem. It's not an overnight fix, but once you have mastered it, no one will ever take it away from you again.

1st: Never get your sense of value or identity from others. We tend to be "people pleasers" and berate ourselves if someone doesn't like us or is mad at us. So, the first thing you've got to do is learn that you don't care what other people think, you can't help it if they don't like you, and you could care less if they gossip about you. Once you have self esteem, you can go back on this one and realize how much you do want to be kind for others, but always remember that others do NOT define who you are and what you think about yourself.

2. Decide who you want to be. Who is someone you admire? What are the traits in other people you admire? Make a list of what you would be like if you were someone you could truly be proud of.........and then make out a plan to step by step to get there. If a nice body is what you define as something you admire, then get your butt into a gym everyday and get your body in tip top shape. If you can't afford a gym, then start doing sit-ups and push-ups at home and take long walks in your neighborhood or local mall. If being a kinder person is what you admire, then check out lots of books at the library about how to be gracious and how to win friends.......there are tons of books on this subject. If you would like to have lots of friends, then the #1 thing you need to learn is how to be a good listener.....people LOVE to talk about themselves, so learning to become a good listener will endear you and make you very popular. Anyway, that's just a few.........so, list the traits you want to be and then become it. It is possible, but it may require effort, time, and work.......but it can be done!

3. People tend to treat you like you treat yourself. Remember that. If you are always saying bad things about yourself, others will too. If you have respect for yourself, others will too. It takes time, but you have to keep repeating "People will treat me like I treat myself." So, if you don't like how you are being treated, stop treating yourself that way.

4. If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, get OUT!! People say that "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never harm me" but those dummies probably were never the target of a verbal abuser. Words can hurt, and they do......and emotional abusers will eventually turn into physical abusers. You can't change them.......but you can change where you are. Get out! Ask for help! Tell people you need help. Get out! You are a person who has value and deserves to be treated with respect........if someone doesn't treat you with respect, then they don't deserve to be in your life. Get out!

5. Do things for yourself. Fix your hair nice. Iron your clothes and make sure you look nice. It's amazing how changing your outside appearance can affect how you feel inside, so do what you can afford to make your outside appearance as pleasing to "you" eyes as possible. Remember, you are pleasing yourself, so if no one comments or notices, who cares because you are never again going to base your sense of self on what others think. What you think is what matters.

Ok, that's enough to get you started. It is possible to become a person with high self-esteem.......there are also tons of books about it. You can do it! Don't go another day where you let someone else define who you are and how you feel about yourself!

Go for it!
Sincerely,
Robin_in_Tennessee

Answer 2

For starters, seek couceling. I know that that seems like the "obvious" answer, but it isn't always. If you can find a councelor who is understanding and expierienced with the problem, it should be helpful.
Also, see if there are any support groups in your area for people who have just gotten out of an abusive relationship. If you were the abused, it will be hard to understand that all the torment brought down on you is not your fault... so talking to people who have gone through (and survived) the same pitfalls may help you start to get a better grasp on the situation.
If you are religious (and even if you are not) a local priest or minister amy be a good person to talk to. If anything, it could give you a different perspective on what happened... and it is a good way to vent. (anything said to a priest or minister is supposed to be held in the utmost confidence)
Dating again "may" work... but it may not. It depends on how fast you can heal yourself emotionally... so unless you feel up to the challenge of that world, I would hold off and take care of you first.
I hope this helps at least a little...

Answer 3

How To Regain Self Esteem

Answer 4

Having been in the same boat, I can tell you that it takes a very long time. You may always have issues with self-worth, but you will learn to listen to your own inner voice. Tell yourself that you did the best you could in a truly difficult situation. Try therapy. I haven't had to yet because the man I am engaged to now listens to me talk about what happened in that long abusive relationship. My new man has been through therapy himself for 15 years and is able to give me excellent advice and help with getting over the trauma. It really is post-traumatic stress disorder and you should treat it that way.

Surround yourself with people who are nurturing and good to you. Read about BPD and try to understand and forgive. Try therapy if you are not much better after a year. Most of all, do not get into another relationship for at least a year. You need the time to heal and get over the worst of the pain.

God bless!

Answer 5

How To Regain Self Confidence

Answer 6

Chances are, the problem was with the BPD spouse and not you.. you need to conside all the people in the world throughout the course of time, your place in that lineage and you need to thank the powers that be that you're no longer in that relationship.. we are just flecks on this earth for such a short period of time that we need to make the best of what we have.. the fact that this is behind you allows you to move on and find someone that will offer you thie things in life you want.. easy to say just put it behind you and move on, but this is what you need to do.. i'm sure if you look in the mirror, the person looking back at you is a much better person than you may think..it may take a little time, but i'm sure you'll see this soon.. good luck..

Answer 7

I am hoping you are no longer with this person. Self esteem comes from within you. No one gives another person self esteem. You can build your self esteem by accomplishing goals. Set a goal for yourself and then work to accomplish it. It can be anything you want. It could be a simple thing or a complex thing. You decide. Remember, reach for the moon. Even if you don't get the moon you will catch a star won't you?

Answer 8

Man, I am so sorry you had that experience. It will take you about two years to move past that much abuse, but a good therapist can help you. Nobody who has not experienced the abuse of a BPD can truly understand how harsh that has been for you. Hang in there and realize that you deserve better.

Answer 9

hang out with friends and family that are generally positive, and enjoy ur company, as well as, you enjoying their company. It will make u happier and help boost ur esteem.

I'm still working on this too after a long-term relationship with a BPD person. But, I noticed that when I started hanging out more with real friends... things were looking up.

Answer 10

It takes time my dear, too much time but in the end the time is worth it. I went through a very abusive marriage with my ex, he verbally, mentally and physically abused me for 5 years and let me tell you it took everything I had in me to finally step up, grab our 2 kids and contact the local hospital to hide me and our boys. Once I got away, I found my courage and self esteem started to take off. I did go to counseling for a little while cause I was so afraid of my own shadow, and I always blamed myself for the marriage not working out, but I was a good and faithful wife who I dedicated myself to our kids. I worked hard and he just kept bringing me down; so down that counseling was my only option of starting over fresh. AFter a month of counseling and finding out that I was not at fault for any of the abuse, I got stronger and stronger. when my ex called me up and told me he wanted to take one of our 2 kids back with him to another state, I stood right up and said no way, these kids stay with me and you no longer scare or intimidate me. It felt so good to say that to him and also made me feel strong. Today, I am a strong mom who will never let a man do that to me. I am in control of my life and I will never let my self esteem get that low again. It's not easy cause you love your mate, but let me just say one more thing, if your mate claims to love you, then why the abuse? Anyone who abuses their loved one is in the realtionship for only one thing POWER and CONTROL. LIke I said, it will take some time, but I bet you will find how much stronger you get day by day. If you ever would like to talk to someone please let me know, jsut send me an email via through this yahoo answers and I would be more than happy to help you in any way I possibly can. Keep your chin up. My thought and prayers are with you.

Answer 11

Wow that is tough. I use to teach a student who had BPD. It was very stressful to deal with her constant mood swings and sometimes violent behavior. She was a very sweet girl just hard to deal with so I can relate a bit to the toll it can take on you. I think you may need some counceling to help you through this. Just remind yourself that you are not the one who has the problem or had any control over curing hers. Be strong it will take time but you will bounce back.