12 yr old daughter and habitual lying?

Question

Will try to add additional info. Our daughter habitually lies about everything and no punishment seems to work. We have sent her to a counselor and she just seems to tell her what she wanted to hear. Question her about why she lies and she will not answer. We have talked to her teachers with no help. We started yesterday with the silent treatment telling her this is what she can expect until she makes an honest effort to change. I have taken TV away, video games, pulling her out of sports, etc etc. Nothing makes a difference. I am ready to throw up my hands and say to hell with it.

She was a brown belt in Karate and only had 3 belts to reach black belt. I pulled her out of Karate 2 yrs ago. Last yr over lying and poor grades pulled her out of basketball and volleyball for remainder of season. Told her this yr if it continued, would pull her out for ever.

Answer 1

My son was like that, I ignored everything he ever told me. And would not listen. One day what he told me was not a lie but because he also did I would not listen. When I heard the same thing from another child, I asked him why "Didn't you tell me" he said I tried to and you would not listen. I told him because you lie so much it is hard to figure out what is truth and what is not.
He thought about this and never told me a fib or a lie again. He was 14 by then.
I never beleived in giving my kids a lot of things {tv, steros, etc.} they had a clock radio and that was it. They never got whipped or spanked and they turned out fine. I raised them after their father died. I managed very well.

Answer 2

Tad S is the one to listen to. I know, I have had the same problem as you, I did the same as you and punished my son every time he lied to me. THIS WAS A MISTAKE. HE IS NOW AN HABITUAL LIAR. Children's lying is based on fear. The punishments you are giving out will only reinforce that fear and make her lie more to avoid them. You can read all about it on the internet - I did but learned about it too late. The damage was already done!

You can change this with patience and understanding. She still needs to know that you know shes lying but in a quiet "I don't think that is the truth" format rather than confrontation. She needs to understand that it is OK to tell the truth, that she won't get in trouble when she does - that is what she is lying to avoid.

Don't turn your back on her, let her know she is loved and can talk to you however hard it gets! Always keep the door open.

Answer 3

You dont want to give up on her, Try taking EVERYTHING away from her, and i really mean everything the TV,music,video games, telephone, toys, notebooks EVERYTHING only let her do homework. No friends over, no sports no nothing. NEVER leave her home alone, Never give into her, Keep all of her things away from her until she can make an effort to change herself. Let her know you have had enough and you will keep all of her things until she can change. Dont give her money, dont let her spend time with friends or talk on the phone. Just watch over her at all times. She will get bored and want to change. Shes only 12, Spank her try that she wont like that. And when she lies try putting a tiny drop of soap in her mouth. Eventually she will get your point.BE AS STUBBORN AS SHE IS BEING!!!!!

Answer 4

What is she lying about? What is she hiding from you, try reasoning with her, and stick to whatever it is you do for punishment no matter how long she has to go without TV or sports. What makes you so sure she is actually lying, have you caught her? Try setting up a video or tape recorder to catch her in her lies then confront her with it. Tell what an impact it could have on her future. Good Luck

Answer 5

There seems to be a reason she's LOOKING for attention...she's starting to go through puberty and getting any attention...good or bad...be damned the punishment!! You have got yourself ONE STUBBORN girl there!! I know this isn't the MATURE parental thing to do...but I'd start lying right back!!! About things that are important to her...We're going out for pizza..then when dinner time rolls around...Opps!! Sorry..we lied!!

Is there a problem at home?! SOmetimes they tend to do this kind of thing when the parents fight all the time..or aren't together...Does she have siblings?! You've got so many things this can be..lack of feeling love..cause there are other kids, if she's the ONLY child...spoiled rotten...See..there's a reason a child acts that way...you just have to start picking at the bones to see where it starts..

Answer 6

I'm am going to offer a counter point of view. Lying is always driven by fear of punishment, disappointment, rejection, etc. When you catch someone lying and punish them for doing so, it tends to make the problem worse. Punishment increases their level of anxiety and fear, making the use of deception all the more likely. This is not a rational decision, rather it is driven by one's emotions. So, punishing your daughter or even talking to her is probably not going to solve the problem. In fact, when you punish someone for lying, typically the outcome is that people learn to lie more effectively. There are things you can do to get your daughter to be more honest - but it requires a lot of patience and work. Basically, you have to take steps to reduce her fear about telling the truth. It's more than I can outline here... but take a look if you like: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/get_others_to_be_honest/public/overcoming_fear.html

Answer 7

She is probably doing it to be a stick in the mud. Try telling her that it really bothers you. Or stage a plot to prove to her that lying is hurtful. For example, leave her a note that says, "We went to the store we should be back in 20 minutes." Be really really late and if she trys to repeatedly call you then don't answer the phone for a really long time. Finally show up at home and have her be the "worried parent." It might teach her a lesson. Otherwise give her plenty of restrictions and rules and if you know she is lying let her get away with it if it is something harmless. Or start having a family night that is all about FUN. That way you can all bond and she might stop lying and start confiding. (game night, etc.) Or get her interested in theater

Answer 8

I agree for every lie she tells take on thing away, untill she stops lying start with the electronics. Obviously don't take what she needs for school away. Don't let her go with friends, or stay home alone. The only thing she has to have in her room is bed in dresser even if you take everything else out, then make her earn it back one item at a time.

Answer 9

Well I would ground her from all things no phone, computer or going out with friends until further notice. The penalty there is not knowing when the punishment will end. Also take everything out of her room except the bed..she will figure it out soon enough.. It will get worse before it gets better she is going to hate you guys until she is out of those rough teenage years...it does gets better I promise. The key is consistency with your discipline. I wish your family the best. Good Luck

Answer 10

ok ,basicly the main reason for lying is teh pressure[cause they are afraid that if teh person finds out then bad things would happen like not bing frinds anymore,sevire punishment or any thing liek that.]so try talking 2 her and tell what she s doing is wrong and that there is no pressusre when you or anybody else aasks u a quistion and tell her teh cunaquisis of her lying and her cunaqwises if she keeps doing that[droping out ,geting fired ,and getting arested[if so with gov or cops when quistinging]so thats why u shoudnt.