My 3 year old is just ornery. She bites, pinches, hits.... I've tried everything.. time out, spankings, I dont know what else to do. She wont stop. Any ideas?
2006-11-15 02:04:29 · 16 answers · asked by bubbles_n_ar 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Toddler & Preschooler
First of all, are there any new changes in her life to cause so much anger? A new baby, family issues, stress, move, new school…If there are new changes, give her lots of extra love and support.
She is feeling powerful when she hurts others. Help her to feel powerful by noticing her when she is not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can jump! You can run super fast! You used so many colors on that picture! You did that by yourself!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders and will help her to feel powerful in a positive way.
What you have been trying is not working because you are trying to control her, not teach her self control. Time outs and spankings won’t work. These are punishments. She needs to be disciplined to learn self control.
If she bites, pinches, or hits you, get down to her level and say “I don’t like when you (bite, pinch, hit) me.” Either walk away or take her gently to a quiet area away from you and say “When you are ready to be gently then you can come back.” This is not a time out because you are not setting a time limit (you controlling her). She returns when she is ready to control herself. Thank her for being gentle.
If she bites, pinches, or hits another child or adult, rush to that person and empathize. “Ouch! That must have hurt!” Ignore your daughter. She will not like the feeling of being left out. You can then have your daughter get some ice or a Band-Aid to get for the wounded person. Have the wounded person express their feelings to your daughter. “I don’t like when you hurt me! I don’t want to play with you if you are going to hurt me!” This is a very powerful message, especially coming from another child.
Empathize with your daughter after a hurting incident. “You must have felt very (angry, frustrated, mad, upset, hurt) when you hurt (mommy, Emma). What can you do next time instead of hurting?” She will learn to express her feeling better rather than become aggressive.
Always use natural and logical consequence for her misbehaviors. Taking away a toy or privileges when she is aggressive is not a natural or logical consequence. Here are some examples of natural and logical consequences. If she throws a toy, it gets put away. If she spills her milk, she wipes it up. If she wants to be loud, she gets put into an area where she can be loud until she’s ready to speak softly. Let the discipline fit the crime. Using natural and logical consequences makes much more sense to a child rather than punishments. They are less likely to become angry, and more likely to comply.
Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. Pick you battles! You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!
2006-11-15 05:35:38 · answer #1 · answered by marnonyahoo 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You better take control fast before she ends up the ringleader. I have one question, who is the parent, you or her? If misbehaves, find a corner in your house and put her there. Make her stand with her face in the corner and leave her for 5 minutes. Don't let her sit down or play with anything while she stands there. And don't let her look around. When time is up, tell her to come to you and ask her why she was is trouble. Say something like, " Why did mommy put you in the corner?" If she doesn't tell you then tell her why and ask her to repeat it. If she refuses then put her back in the corner for 5 more minutes. Tell her why she is going back into the corner, she needs more time to think about what she is done, and repeat the process until she acknowledges why she was punished. Trust me, it won't take long before she gets REALLY tired of the corner and starts behaving. Especially when you send her back into the corner for not telliing you why she is in trouble. And BE CONSISTANT!! Don't let her get away with it once because you are preoccupied, and punish her the next time she does it. Then she is confused and may lash out more. There are many corners in a house. Any one will work! It may seem harsh because she will cry and carry on, but she needs to learn that there are consequences to her actions, and that YOU are the parent and SHE is the child. I have a 4 year old daughter who at 2 started the biting and hitting thing, and that is what I did. It took about 3 months to start behaving. I still have to use it every once in a while, kids will be kids...even if she's misbehaving at a store or restaurant, I'll find a corner for her to stand in. That's the great thing about this method is corners are everywhere, and you don't have to wait to get home to punish them. There is no harm in making your child JUST stand in a corner. Don't worry about what others think. I mean, you COULD be beating your child instead, right?
2006-11-15 02:35:27 · answer #2 · answered by Janhellyca 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your child is mean because she has learned to be mean from somewhere. If she is lashing out its because she is probably unhappy and has learned those ways of dealing with anger. You must remain calm around your baby as much as possible. It could also be a phrase but lashing out at her in anger for what she is doing is not going to help her because she is doing the samething and then getting punished for it if that makes any sense. Im not trying to say your a bad mother but you need to discipline the child by giving her a time out every single time she does this and say firmly no...it is not okay to hurt mom. Do it in a controlled manner. ALso reward her for good behavior. Be consistant. She is just a sponge right now and everything she does is because shes learning or what she has learned. Try to be calm patient and loving towards your daughter all the time, even when punishing her, she just needs to learn her behavior is not alright.
2006-11-15 04:27:34 · answer #3 · answered by jennyve25 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Theres consistancy missing. Either you're not punishing her as soon as the even takes place (toddlers have no real memories of actions that happened even a matter of moments before hand), and punishing her EVERYTIME she behaves mean, or else she's being exposed to this behavior either by you, your family, or the television.
You need to remind her daily before play time with other children, that hitting is not allowed, that we have to play nice with the other children or she cannot play at all.
If she decides to act up in a play environment, stick her butt on time out and make her sit there for a solid three minutes. No matter how long it takes to get that three minutes you sit her there. When she's done, tell her she cannot be mean to other children, and ask her to apologize and return to play if she can be nice.
EVERY TIME. No questions asked. There is no "alice! dont hit that boy! alice, no biting! hey, i mean it! stop it!" None of that crap, that does nothing. Go over at the FIRST sign of bad behavior, pick her up out of the situation, and put her on time out. Or spank if your a spanker.
EVERY TIME. and get rid of the source of the behavior. Children learn behaviors, they dont create them from thin air. She's obviously getting it from home some how. Either tv, siblings, or arguing parents.
But mostly is comes from inconsistant parenting.
Teach a child how to behave, remind them when theyre not misbahaving, and hold them accountable IMMEDIATELY when they do misbehave, EVERY TIME.
2006-11-15 02:10:35 · answer #4 · answered by amosunknown 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Be patient and get tough with the little one. The more you let her think she's the boss, the more she'll continue. Physically stop her when she starts to hit etc. and tell her in a strong voice NO. A little bribery works well at this stage too. She gets a treat when she goes a few hours without doing this (or gets a favorite dessert after meals, or gets to watch favorite movie etc.). If she keeps up the bad behaviour, take away her toys, she doesn't get what she asks for, she doesn't get mom's attention...She'll learn.
2006-11-15 02:15:35 · answer #5 · answered by chicchick 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Are you sure you are punishing enough? Some kids simply aren't afraid of a spanking or time out. Kids aren't hurt by spankings, it's just supposed to make them scared. If she's not scared, spanking doesn't work.
Just keep taking away privileges and toys until she has nothing left, and make her do chores - whatever she is capable of doing.
DO NOT back down.
2006-11-15 02:07:55 · answer #6 · answered by Spanky 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
my son is very stubborn and things have to be his way and if not he has temper tantrums. but i have learned to ignore him when he passes the line and starts throwing things etc.... unless he is in danger then i pull him away and try to calm him. you have to stop the biting, my son use to do that while playing when he was 2 ,now he is 3 and he stopped. sometimes when us mom's get really serious and change our tone of voice kids gt the sign we mean business. take away what she likes when she does those things to you.... she will learn its not right. if not she might have a behavior problems. talk to your doctor. my son had terrible behavior and he was diagnosed with autism and adhd. not saying your daughter might have something but a doctor should know and help you.
2006-11-15 02:09:34 · answer #7 · answered by mom_princess77 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Basically, you have lost control and the child knows they can get away with the biting, ect. You need to choose a punishment, and stick to it. Find something they enjoy, and take it away from them when they act up. You must stick to your punishment, don't be afraid of appearing 'mean.' Good Luck!
2006-11-15 02:08:38 · answer #8 · answered by Amber 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Children emulate their parents. Perhaps you should stop acting "ornery".
2006-11-15 02:06:25 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that you aren't going to buy her anything until she learns to act right. but until then dont "spoil" her or anything and everytime she does something spank her AND make her go to time out.
2006-11-15 02:19:59 · answer #10 · answered by chris'sbaby 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋