My son is almost 4 and does not listen to my husband or me.?

Question

My son is very well behaved at school- sometimes very quite and soft spoken. But when he comes home- he shouts, laughs loudly to the point of irritation and simply does not listen, often hits his baby sister who is 14 mths old.
Both my husband and i work and within 5 mins of either of us being at home with- we end up shouting or screaming at him. I sometimes loose it and then hit him.
I tried timeout- all he does -by standing there and crying immensely, i tell him to shut up - but he bawls away or coughs as if he is going to throw up.
Sometime i try the counting ritual - where i tell him i will count till 3 and on the 3rd count i will hit him... and again- he waits for me to count till 3 and then he moves.
I am so disappointed - that i feel i have failed as a parent to get his respect.
Simply every minute i spend with him is a struggle- he is either running like crazy or hitting my daughter or not eating his food or drinking his milk. I end up shouting at him ALL the TIME. HELP

thank you all for your constructive suggestions.
I just recently started the timeout- and he bawls throughout- I tried to send him to his room and he is just petrified and starts shaking. I get nervous and feel i being too harsh- he is always has been scared of being alone.
But if i let him cry and ignore him, his volume just starts rising.. i can't take it anymore.. (I was hiding from him as i had conf calls from home) - My nanny once walked away from the room when he was crying- he cried for 45 mins and was just out of control for the rest of the evening. pls help me

Answer 1

I think that more than yelling to a kid what you should have is clear rules and consecuences if the rules are broken. You should not discuss with a kid, because it is giving him the idea he is right in what he is doing.
You and your husband should work as a team, I mean if you ground your child for a reason your husband cannot change the punishment, if you say no T.V. or video games for a day, do it no matter how nice he behave later.
That way he would learn you really mean it and you are going to be more strict next time.
This age is when your child tries to get the control, he's trying to figure out who the boss is and if he gets you your life is going to be misserable from now on.
If he cries, screams or whatever just ignore him that way he would learn you won't award his bad behaviour, but when he talks to you in a normal way, without crying or screaming listen to him then he would learn that you care about what he says and thinks.

Answer 2

The only time a parent should count is if they are counting for themselves to give them opportunity to cool down. You have trained your kid to misbehave when you count. Kids should not be given mixed signals. It is either acceptable behavior, or it is either unacceptable behavior. You have taught him that it isn't unacceptable behavior until a count of 3 is reached. Every rule can be broken.

Both you and your husband are working. My guess is that you are spending a lot of time taking care of physical needs and winding down from work. The shouting and screaming is an attempt to get your attention. He has figured out that misbehaving is more effective in getting your attention than behaving. From what you are saying, I feel you are trying your best to prepare the food and take care of the household before bedtime. You are frustrated because you would like to focus on these task and his behavior prevents this. This is when you and your husband should work together as a team. If you are cooking dinner, then someone needs to be setting the table. You husband could do it, but who ever does it needs to be getting your son involved. Have him do the things that are within his abilities. If he can carry the plates to the table the fine. If you are worred about breakage, the have him place the flatware, forks on the left and knife and spoon on the right. Napkins at each place. Salt and pepper etc. It gives him something to do. It will let him feel that he is making a contribution. It is an opportunity to have dialog with him other than a shouting screaming match. Activities such as these are an opportunity to give him praise.

Limit the contact he has with violent cartoons and shows, like the power rangers and limit the surgar intake. Kids act out what they see. When confronted with an activity they do not want to do, give them a choice. It gives them the idea they have some control. For example, if you want them to go to bed, don't ask them if they want to go to bed. Give them a choice.... Do you want to go to bed with the bunny rabbit? or do you want to go to bed with the Bear? You still get what you want and they still feel they had a choice in the matter. I can not over emphasize the importance of reading to your kids, especially at bedtime. There are lots of good children books on the market. Some are very entertaining and can be morality tales that allow you to demonstrate the behavior modification you desire. It is also one on one quality time.

Prime time TV is nice, but so is a vcr with record capabilities is better. Don't feel you are missing something on tv to spend time with your kid. A full belly and quality time, not quantity time, with your child will go a long way in addressing his insecurities. A bath and 30 minutes of bedtime stories is a nice way to end their day. It may allow you to get everyone in bed by 8 or 9 and then you and your significant other can get some quality time with each other.

This is just another opinion, one of many. Take it with a grain of salt.

Answer 3

You have not failed.. You've just made some mistakes and you still have time to fix it. Hitting out of anger is never the answer.. If you're going to spank you need to do it the right way. When my son is bad he gets sent to his room.. The time in there varies depending on what he did. If it requires a spank he bends over and gets a spank and then daddy and I explain to him what and why that just happened. He understands, and your son will too if you just start doing it the right way. Good luck with everything.

Answer 4

i don't have an answer, yet I do have slightly woman who would be 4 in Oct and that i pass in direction of the very comparable difficulty. i do no longer prefer to take her for attempting out, because of the fact at the instant it look ADHD is all to straightforward. i such as you have tried each and every form of punishment, all failing. She now laughs once I spank her. i think that i'm on the top of my rope. I do think of that part of her problem is she spends another weekend along with her dad. of direction because of the fact he does not see her each and every of the time, she gets away with incredibly much each and every thing. i think that if he would make her stick to the comparable policies she has at residing house would help. Is your son an in effortless terms toddler? My daughter is a miracle and that i became instructed she may be the only a million, so she is spoiled this is my fault, yet once I had my 2d daughter issues appeared to worsen. She now no longer gets each and every of the attention and has to proportion. If everyone comes up with something that would desire to help please proportion with me. As a mom getting in direction of the comparable worry you're, i comprehend i'd prefer to have somebody communicate with. So please in case you will desire to communicate or possibly proportion techniques permit me comprehend. Briley you haven't any longer have been given little ones do you? No mom would ever say such issues approximately their little ones. Or would desire to I say no mom who loves her little ones would desire to ever say such difficulty. in case you do have childrend and rather experience that way possibly somebody else would desire to advance you youngsters.

Answer 5

When you hit your son you are showing him that it is ok to yell and hit even if you tell him it's bad to hit his baby sister, that is only confusing him. He thinks it is ok to yell and hit because he sees you and your husband doing it. (I learned that in a parenting class) Try to get advice about parenting classes in you area, they are usually free to attend, and there is nothing wrong with going to parenting classes. Don't worry your son hasn't lost respect for you he is just confused. Do anything you can to stay calm, don't hit, don't yell, don't raise your voice, calmly talk to him, ask him about his feelings, explain that when he yells and hits it hurts, explain to him that he is a big brother now, he needs to protect and play gently with his sister. I know he is young but he will understand.

Answer 6

you have failed. screaming, hitting, telling him to shut up, is just wrong. you are loosing control and he knows that. when you loose control who do you think has all the power. he acts well at school because he gets discipline without people freaking out.

Answer 7

i think franki was a bit harsh. i do not have any advice because i am in the exact same situation. i also am out of options. people don't understand if they have never been there i feel for you and hopefully we will both find a solution

Answer 8

Sounds like you have the spawn of satan on your hands. You should try pentagram ritual.