how do you stop an ex from messing up your 4yr old's head?

Question

Me and my ex split up 2 years ago he was never a dad to my son i brought him up on my own his dad became addicted to drugs and found him self homeless. 2years on and he has tryed to come off drugs and is living with his mum.Their life has never been stable in any way. I have started to let him see on a saturday over night but now my child is getting older his dad has started to ask him personal things about me and it is like he is messing with his head and turning my son against me. Is there anyone out there in the same position as me or any advice that would be helpful in this situation. I love my son to pieces and want him to have his dad in his life.I no life would be so much easy if his dad wasnt in his life but from a males point of view would it be so wrong to take this relationship way form my child to save him from all of this heart acke?

Answer 1

It is almost impossible to stop ex's putting ideas etc; into little ones heads. I do not let my ex see my children, mainly due to the fact that he left when they were very little and has popped back up nearly 3 years later expecting to just waltz back in, I believe this would be detrimental to my kids welfare so I say no for now, however, his mother sees them regularly and plants ideas in their heads and tries to find out info about myself and my partner etc; she doesn't seem to realise that at 4 and 6 I find out about this. The only way to deal with the situation is to confront it, speak to your ex and say you will not tolerate it, you have bought up your son and he is happy and that you have complete control of him, if he wants access then it has to be on your terms and you will not accept any cr*p or the access stops. I would also be careful allowing over night access so quickly, you son is going to form more of a bond with him this way and incase your ex takes a backwards turn re drugs etc; I wouldn't encourage this.

Answer 2

I know what you are going through as my daughters Dad was a drug addict. I cut off contact completely as I knew this was what is best for my girl and I believe it is the best decision I have ever made. You need to make him the ultimatum that he either stops putting your son in the middle or he can only see him if you are there. If he is still being a **** then you tell him that the contact is stopping. Be specific about what you want him to stop doing and explain that it is for the sake of your son. If you give him a last chance then you will never feel guilty and you can look your son in the eye and say that it was his Father's choice and he screwed it up. Good luck darling.

Answer 3

hi I'm presuming your telling the truth my ex has turned my to against me lying about drugs violence etc if your getting the feeling the ex is being malicious start righting things down keep notes of everything every strange question your child asks you every weird look they give and what context it came in and when you,v a full page bring it to the child's father only a copy and when his moms around be safe and tell him that if it continues you will be having the Cort look at it and seeing if he needs supervised access I'm an advocate of a child's right to see both parents but they,v the right not to be used by malicious little sob to just don't cut off his access it will only hurt the child in the end and if he persists go to a social worker the Cort is the last resort there in my experience out for there interests and not the child's hope this helps

Answer 4

If he has never been stable you should have only supervised visitation for a few hours a week...not over night alone. You know that your ex is a drug addict and you expect him not to be a bit screwed up? Your son doesn't change the fact that he is a horrible father with or without visitations. Stop them immediately before your son gets hurt.

Answer 5

Yes i kind of understand- my ex wants to involve my son with his new partner (he was calling her his step mum after 3 weeks of them being together!!) I keep everything to a routine, at the moment he does not stay overnight with his dad cos i dont think he is ready but his dad arrives to see him at a set time and leaves at a set time. He strictly knows the boundaries. You have to be firm. My son has had to see a psychologist for all the cr*p his dad has caused so now i dont take any, and he knows it!!

Answer 6

You have to do what is best for your son love, In an ideal world his dad would be a good role model, but as he ain't you have to make the decision whether or not he is a good influence in your lads life or bad.....................

As you say he does sound like a bad example - I would stop all access. Kids need safety and stability, your ex sounds like he is manipulating your son to find out stuff about you.

Answer 7

i think u should stop the overnight visits. the way u described your ex as a drug addict tells me that he is a danger to the child. i have heard of situation where a father woke up his 2 year old at 10pm to take him with him to go get drugs because no one was home. talking to him is not going to help the situation because he seeing how ignorant he is tells me he won't listen anyway.

so my advice is for supervised visits once a week for 3 hours. that way u can control what goes on.

Answer 8

this situation is too bad--let me tell you about a similar situation but only in reverse--my husbands x-wife brain washed their daughter until she won't have anything to do with her dad-now this child is now 16 yrs old and she knows right from wrong. her mom and dad was married two times and both times marriage failed. when my husbands grandmother died this year his daughter would not attend the funeral. this situation has been going on with her mom brain washing the child against her dad for 10 yrs and the x wife finally got her way with their child. we still pay our child support and have not seen this child since dec 25 2002-on that day the child stood in our kitchen and said to her dads face i only want to see you if you come back home to mommie and me. now of course the x wife is remarried with new baby. i hope and pray that someday my husbands daughter will wake up and get a relationship with her dad. he loves kids so much and has missed out on seeing his daughter grow up thanks to his x wifes selfish ways . he has called his daughter and tried several times to have a relationship with her but she won't comply. even grandma and grandpa have talked to her but no luck. the sad part is when the brain washing starts at an early age it gets harder to change a childs beliefs. these people that do this are not concerned about the effects on the child, they are only concerned about themselves-selfish-selfish-selfish.

Answer 9

If you feel strongly that you wish you son to still have visits with his dad then maybe you could try and explain that dad does not always tell the truth about mum and that he (son ) should always talk to you if he gets a bit cofused about what dad is telling him

Answer 10

No dad is far far better than a poor dad. Your being very charitable indeed by giving this man the benefit of the doubt, but please don't let guilt let you think that you should let your baby see his dad. This man didnt worry too much about his son when he was taking drugs did he? Didnt worry too much about you either. But now hes quizzing your son about your life? NO!!!! You and your son together. No problems. You, your son and THIS idiot? No, forget it.