Punishing a child??

Question

OK.. my grandaughter was being punished for sassing her Mom at their house , so her favorite tv program was taken away from her which I understand. When they are here we all always watch her favorite program, as we like it too. When they got to my house her Mom said to her, shut that program off now! Well I feel this is my house and we can watch whatever prgram we want to, as she did no wrong here..the girls are always good for me and it took place at their house and not at my house...my husband also agrees and likes the program also, actually it is the Disney Channel. She only watched it for a short time before the Dad came and picked them up and I wanted to let her watch it all the while she was here! It's not right to punish a child for something she did not do at my house is really how I feel. Please anyone give me your advice... I don't appreciate anyone telling me what to do in my own house or what tv program I can watch. Rosie

As for the grandaughter respecting her Mom...I believe and would have proof that the Mom has not had very much respect for my granddaughter since she was born! Does this put a new view on the question?????

I want to clear something else up...the mother is NOT my daughter, as for the punishing...my kids listened to me, as do the granddaughters... my kids did get a spanking ( did not say beating ) and they do have respect for me! If the Mom is having trouble with respect, then she better figure out why and learn how to deal with it!! I have NO trouble with the girls, raised 4 kids of my own and have 12 grandkids that love me dearly . I feel you have to respect a child's feelings too, before they will respect yours!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS A VERY LOVING MOM AND GRANDMA (ROSIE)

Answer 1

I agree with you..... she was punished at home and that punishment should be at home. Your daughter-in-law should find a different way of dealing with her daughter, maybe talking to her instead of taking away something from her.

I always tell my son there are rules in every ones home... he has different rules at home to when he goes and stays with his grand parents and he needs to follow them. I wouldnt be offended if my mother allowed him to do something while at her house that I dont allow at mine, like watching a specific programme.

Answer 2

I understand that you feel her punishment should not be carried at your house. but, if you remove her punishment while she is there, she will only sass her mother more because she knows grandma will let her get away with it. despite her parenting skills, you should follow through with the punishment and find something else you can do with your grandchildren to entertain them, like coloring books, baking cookies or brownies with you, playing cards...depending on thier age, kids are entertained by the littlest things. Besides, they'd have fonder memories of thier grandma if they were to do some more physical activites rather than loaf on the couch watching Disney together!

I have 2 children, a 4 year old and a soon to be 2 year old, both girls. My 4 year old sasses me and tests my authority because when she goes to grandmas, she gets away with anything she wants to do. We lived with her grandma until I was carrying my 2nd, so she was very spoiled as well. My youngest is already a better listener. When I tell my 4 year old that she is not allowed to do something, her grandma will tell her yes she can, which puts a strain on my relationship with my daughter.

You can keep some of my options in mind, I am 25 now, my grandma passed when I was 16, yet I still remember her stories she shared, going with her to drop off Avon products to customers, cooking and setting the table. Kids love helping grandma out, and if you show them there is more fun to be had than to watch programs, they'll go home with smiles on thier faces, memories to last a lifetime, be a bit easier on thier mom, and all the while, mom will be a bit upset because though they didn't watch what was taken from them, they still had an amazing time at grandma's! so that can be your little "in your face" to her since you showed them so much fun without a remote!

Answer 3

Well, I understand where you're coming from...the problem is that you (as a grandparent) and her parents have to maintain a solid front went it comes to discipline. Otherwise, the child gets mixed messages, and discipline becomes very difficult, not just for the parents, but for you as well. She may be well behaved with you NOW, but, eventually she will begin testing the boundaries at Grandma's house, too. (This is just what children do, it's a natural part of their development.) However, if your granddaughter sees that you don't enforce the same rules, (and punishments) as her parents,(demonstrating, in her mind, that you are lax on these things) then it will be a lot harder to reign her in when the time comes. You don't say how often she visits, (or how old she is) but if she doesn't visit very often, (say, a couple of hrs once a month or so) then it may not be AS important on her overall discipline. However, ultimately, the child's parents have a right to discipline their child as they see fit, (remember when you were raising your children? I'm sure it frustrated you to no end when your mother or mother-in-law would not respect your wishes regarding YOUR child) and you must respect those wishes, aside from abuse, of course. Think about the same situation, only the denial of a toy was the punishment. If the child had the toy at your house (for the sake of argument, let's say is was in her stay-over bag by accident) would you let her play with it, even though you knew she was not allowed? To do so would be dishonest on her part (NOT something you want to teach her) and divisive on yours. Of course, YOU have the right to watch whatever you want, but you would need to send the child into another room. As for the mother not showing respect for daughter, this is unfortunate, as a child must be SHOWN respect, to learn it, but it is not helping the child to learn respect by YOU not showing respect for the parents discipline measures. Again, I understand your feelings about "my house, my rules" but keep in mind that children need consistency to learn and become good people. I'm sure you were a great parent who successfully raised (4, did you say?) children, and you have a lot of expertise, of course, but the child's parents STILL have the right to raise her as they see fit, and without any "interference" from anyone else. It doesn't sound like you have a very good relationship with your daughter-in-law, which is unfortunate, but for the sake of your grand-daughter, you should talk to her mother, and try to come up with discipline ideas that you can all agree on. Again (and as others have pointed out) CONSISTENCY is key. I'm sure, as a successful parent, you know this, and you know you're not doing your granddaughter any favors by NOT being consistent.

Answer 4

If I was the mother of this child, I probably wouldn't have ordered you to turn the program off, although I would have expected you to support me as the mother and back my decision to discipline my daughter. If you still decided to undermine my decision, then I wouldn't allow my daughter to visit your home when she is on restriction. I know too many grandparents who do not support their grand children's parents, their own children, in trying to raise children that are respectful and well behaved kids. Maybe giving your granddaughter something else to do while the rest of the family watched the program would have been a better solution. I'm sure your daughter(?) was offended by your behavior just as much as you were hers and reacted quickly without thinking through the solutions. Like telling her daughter to sit in the dining room until the show was over and expecting her to obey. Hopefully this gives you the mother's perspective.

Answer 5

Your daughter's authority does not supersede into your home, just as yours should not in hers. If it was a program that you were letting your granddaughter watch and had no interest in, then maybe I could understand your daughter's anger. But, since both you and your husband enjoy the show too, you're daughter has no right to expect you two to have to be punished also, when she leaves her daughter in your care.

But, I would also say that discipline needs to be backed up by all family members, and if a kid can get one to go against the other, they will use it as leverage. Even though I do not agree with your daughter's bossy attitude in your home, think about the position you put her in. You quietly told your granddaughter that mommy was the bad cop, and you were the good cop in the situation. I am not trying to talk out of both sides of my mouth, but I am trying to be fair to both sides in this disagreement. I think you and your daughter need to sit down and discuss what happened, with both being willing to listen to the other. I guarantee you that if your granddaughter thinks she can play you against each other, she will do so in a heartbeat. She needs to see that both of you stand by each other in the area of discipline.

Answer 6

However your daughter is the parent and ultimately in charge of the upbringing. If you don't support your daughter, the grandchild will not see solidarity and then it causes problems in other situations when your daughter makes a decision. Grandparents are ALWAYS more gentle and forgiving, but think about how you would have felt (or maybe did) 25 years ago when you wanted to teach your daughter a lesson and someone else went against your wishes. I think it's really important to not cause unrest between the two of them. Then, at another PRIVATE time, talk to your daughter and explain how you felt in that situation.

Just to give you my angle, my grandmother lived with us in our home all of my life until I left for college. She consistently took my side and it made my relationship with my mom strained. I can see that now as I look back and have a child of my own. I know my grandmother was doing what she thought would help me, but she really should have been helping her daughter.

Answer 7

Yeah yeah, it's your house and all that, but have you stopped to think that you are undermining the child's mother by letting her do something that was supposed to be taken away from her as fair punishment? Kids can be very manipulative that way ("soandso has taken this away from me, so I'll just go to suchandsuch's house and get it there, I win"). Do you want your granddaughter to grow up into a spoilt brat who will not learn to face the consequences of her actions? If the answer is no, then you need to support her mother in her parenting decisions (which you yourself say are fair enough) and tell little Miss I'll-get-my-way-in-spite-of-my- mother: Sorry, but this show is off limits to you, and you know why.

Answer 8

I'm sorry, you're not going to like my answer.

When disciplining kids, the key is consistency. If her mother punishes her by removing a priviledge, like a tv show she enjoys, and she's allowed to go to your house and watch it .. then she will not take the punishment seriously and know she can escape it or sidestep it just by going to your place. It will backfire, and badly.

As the child is your granddaughter, I would hope that consistent discipline is also important to you, and you would help enforce the punishment ... so that the child learns from their mistakes, instead of learning that she can get away with it.

She was punished for a bad behavior. Why should she be off scott free just because it didn't happen at that location? To provide an analogy ... Bob so and so robs the bank of montreal. He gets arrested, brought to court .. and the judge says ... "the crime didn't happen here, I can't punish this man, let him go." Sound fair?

The mother is punishing her for her behavior. This doesn't depend on location, her behavior is with her wherever she goes. Give up your tv show for the short time she's there in order to help the punishment have an effect and create a well mannered child, instead of one that knows how to get away with it.

Answer 9

I completely understand where your coming from...However, as a mother myself..if one of my children sassed me and watching her show became a consecuence... then i would expect that my child will honor it. Not only is losing a PRIVILAGE a good lesson, but abiding by my parents' rules should come FIRST AND FOREMOST! If you feel that your grandchild's punishment is infinging on your rights in your house, then you would need to consider either coming to a compromise with her mother, or not having her over when she is in trouble. If you want the best for your granddaughter, you will help make her understand that she needs to abide. For your granddaughter to be able to "GET AROUND HER PUNISHMENT" by going to your house only teaches her to find other means, rather than to just accept her consecuences...

Answer 10

Well, you could have chosen to your granddaughter to watch the program but her mother has a say in what she wants her child watching or not watching for whatever reasons. Maybe her mom should have told you first that she was being punished and denying her the privilege to watch that particular show was the punishment so you could carry it out. You could uphold the punishment or disagree with it that's that.

Answer 11

In my opinion, I think an exception should've been made when they were at your house. It is your house and your television. It is within the mother's discretion however, to prohibit your granddaughter from watching the show (although you and others may watch it).

On a different note, if the child's offense was disrespecting her mother, I believe the child shuold've been punished differently; primarily with a spanking. The simple withdrawl of a television program is far too light a punishment for disrespecting one's parents. (just my opinion)