Just found out my boyfriend was molesting my daughter, is that my fault?

Question

My daughter had told me that he hurt her. He heard and said he didn't do anything wrong but just changed her diaper and when using a wipe may have scratched her with a fingernail. It sounded reasonable.... Well I forgot about it because we've been dating for awhile and I trusted him. Also she said nothing else about and didn't act different then usual. Well then about a month ago she did start acting different and he got turned in and arrested. Then confessed and it was awful! He is a whole different person than I knew and I heard the conffesion in court and oh it was just sick how he justified his actions! Is this all my fault? I feel bad that she told me but he had a belivable story.....

According to his confession he was doing this when I was at work. Of course I didn't know this was going on or else he'd been in jail along time ago.

Periodically after she told me, I talked to her about it. She told me then that no he hasn't been hurting her. Then she started acting differently. I didn't know it was happening. Up until the week he was arrested she was very close to him, she called him daddy, she cried when he left the house and told him not to go to work, we all played with her my little ponies. She never acted any different towards him, so I thought ok he was right, and she said that he didn't mean to.

Answer 1

how old was your daughter? most likely she's too young to understand what he REALLY did to her, she just knows he hurt her, as he said, and of course you believe him. I don't think it's your fault, if he was doing nothing in front of you, how would you know? as long as you didn't know what he was doing, don't blame your self, concentrate on helping your daughter get through this..she needs her mommy

Answer 2

You were in a tough situation. You said you knew him for some time before anything happened so you trusted him as a member of your circle of loved ones. That's what makes it hardest, is to learn it is someone so close. He is responsible for his actions. It seems that after the initial comments by your daughter, you observed to see if there were any noticeable changes. When you didn't see anything and your daughter didn't say anythin, it supported his story. The only thing I may have done differently is to have a private talk with her about how or where he hurt her. Even after his story seemed to check out, I would have had more conversations with her to keep a check on the situation. That being said, all that is done, the man confessed and you need to focus on you daughter's well-being. Get her into some counseling so she can begin to heal the emotional scars. You should get some too, alone and possibly some joint sessions with your daughter so the two of you can be open about your feelings. You both will have to work through the feeling of guilt. If you try to act like nothing happened it will damage her further. And always remember that no matter how much you love the man that may come into your life, you daughter needs to be your first priority. She will need to know you love her and that she can always count on you to be there for her. Best wishes to both of you.

Answer 3

Oh honey, no it wasn't your fault. You trusted him, men like that can be so charming and act so natural as they tell you that the child is wrong that they didn't hurt the child. These men are sick. It is natural to trust someone you have been dating, we trust until we have been given a reason not to. When my daughter was young I remember my finger going through the wipe and scratching her one time. That is something that actually could happen. At the time you had no reason to doubt him. Unfortunately humans don't come with a stamp on their foreheads like scum or nice guy. As a mother you will probably always feel bad about this. You may want to get some counseling for yourself and your daughter to get you through this. It shows you have good communication with your daughter that she was brave enough to tell you. Keep the talking going anytime she wants to talk about this. Let her know that she wasn't BAD or to blame for what happened. Don't give up on men as there are some really great ones out there. I'm sorry you had to run in to one of the really bad ones.

Answer 4

Well, it not your fault. Punishing yourself for someone Else's will take yourself down hill. You will be upset with the world for no reason. Learn to deal with anything that God sends your way. He is only testing you right now. Ever thing happens for a reason. Crying might Indore for a night but Sunshine come in the morning. Your daughter will understand later on and will grow up to be strong, bright, and intelligent young lady.

Answer 5

No, its not your fault. Just be there for your daughter, and comfort her anyway you can. You are a good mom for caring as much as you do. Bad things happen to good people, and unfortunatly innocent kids. You just need to pick up the pieces. But I think my advice would be, dont be afraid to let your daughter talk to you or a counceler about it in the future. It might help her heal. I am really sorry this happened to you and your daughter.

Answer 6

No, it isnt your fault that he did this, It is however the aftermath of you letting someone in your home that you really didnt know completly. If your child tells you that someone is hurting her, believe it that minute. Im soo sorry your child had to endure this and I hope that you both get some therapy. I am glad this sicko is in jail. You really just have to be careful who you let into your life when you have children.

Answer 7

Whoah, one of those other answers was pretty harsh... Easy to judge if you haven't been in this situation. Hindsight is always 20/20. You trusted him! Don't beat yourself up. I think the important thing is to be strong and stay in the present. Live fully today and be the best mum you can be to your little girl. Deal with whatever has to be dealt with (court, statements, counselling, etc.). Living in remorse isn't going to help anyone or anything. All the best -

Answer 8

I'm very sorry for this nightmare for you and especially for your daughter. Hopefully, now that she is safe, she can get the help she needs and you can, too.

Women should know that men who live with/provide childcare for them and who are not related to the young girls are much more likely to molest them than their own fathers are. step-fathers molest more than fathers and less than boyfriends. In other words, you must be wise about the choices you make and you must put your child first in your decision-making.

I think, despite the well-meaning reassurances in other people's answers here, facts need to be faced. You either ignored or didn't know well-known information about the sexual molestation of children and who does it. On top of this, your daughter told you. YOUR DAUGHTER TOLD YOU. And you found a way to believe this sleaze ball. And why?

To keep a babysitter? To keep someone in your bed? To have help with the bills?

You need to be honest about why you were willing to sell out your sacred obligation to your daughter. SHE TOLD YOU. You will not be able to protect her in the future and you will not be able to grow as a person until you can face that you failed. You feel bad because you know you failed. You know you are guilty.

I believe virtually all women who are living with their children and the sexual predator molesting their children KNOW.

The big question now is how do you ever repay this betrayal of your daughter? You need a referral to an excellent therapist with many years of experience in incest/sex abuse. They've seen it all - don't worry. Your duty is to know get well and help your daughter move forward since you didn't protect her earlier.

SHE TOLD YOU. May you be able to forgive yourself one day and may you live every day trying to become better than the woman who was told the truth and chose to believe a lie.

Answer 9

Wow it particularly is fairly hectic....what a scum bag. you ought to understand which you're completely frequent and that his movements had no longer something to do with you...he's a nut case and that i in my view wish you stated him to the police considering is purely disgusting. He deceived others into thinking he cared for his daughters like he did with you. He in no way cared approximately you with the aid of fact he's psychological....do no longer stay on that, the coolest subject is you found out earlier you conceived with that piece of ****.

Answer 10

No, you are not to blame for your boyfriend molesting your baby but you have to realize that you can never be too careful with people around your children. You may have had a longterm relationship but these days you just can't trust people.