Please, Please, Please Help!! My 3 year old boy cries too dang much!!!?

Question

ok, it's calmed down quite a bit now. he used to just start crying all the time. and i do mean ALL the time. for no reason!! even to the point where he'd cry so hard he wouldn't breath IN and he'd pass out!!!! he hardly ever does that anymore, but now i have a problem with him EVERY night. when i give him a bath, he's just fine, and all smiles. but when my fiance, (NOT his real mom), gives him one, he does nothin but cry the whole time. she doesn't do nothin wrong with him, she's as gentle as a lamb!! but it's not just when she's bathing him, it's anytime she's doing anything with him. he acts like he doesn't wanna have nothing to do with her! she'll just want to play, or hug him and he'll start crying. then i'll do the same and he'll laugh! how can i bring these two closer together and make him bond with her? please help.

P.S. his real mom popped up for Halloween, wanting to see him so i let her. she only spent about 3 minutes with her, but afterwards, i asked him Who's that? he said, I dunno! so he doesn't even remember his real mom. so i think separation anxiety, and the whole Maybe-he-dont-like-her-cause-she's-not-his-real-mom thing is out of the question.

Answer 1

just my opinion - step families ARE SO HARD! I think it's so so great that you are concerned and watching the signs. That you love your son enough to take off the rose-colored glasses of love and admit to yourself "we seem to have a problem here" Bravo - good parenting - your son is lucky to have a dad that cares:) !

I don't want to sound nasty or negative. You said yourself "not his real mom" That's key.
Put yourself in his place. Why would he want this woman bathing him? Kid's EVEN YOUNG ones can have anger about their parents splitting up - even if they have never actually lived together. Maybe crying and pushing her away is the only way he knows to express it or to tell you?? I don't know how old he is or if his mom is in the picture at all - he may not be comfortable around a woman if he's been with you most of his life...

I'm sure it's probably that he wants you or his mom - if you have your fiance back off COMPLETELY and you do ALL the stuff for a couple weeks (I'm thinking of the bathing thing - but no matter what it is), THEN for a couple weeks you and your fiance do it together, THEN for a couple weeks your fiance does it BUT WITH YOU THERE , then work up to just her doing it. If he cries, come back... but it will cause him more stress to believe when he feels he need you you are not there... make sense?
LET HIM COME TO HER, FOR HUGS OR TO PLAY.

I understand she is your fiance - you love her and want to share YOUR LIFE with her. You can't force your son to want to spend his with her. If you are planning to marry her you plan for her to be around a long time - so I would REALLY be careful with how you deal with this now!
Also I'm sure she is a wonderful person and chances are you have nothing to worry about. BUT he IS THE CHILD, HE IS YOUR BABY... your loyalty MUST LIE WITH THE ONE WHO CANNOT MAKE IT WITHOUT YOU OR ON HIS OWN.
I would be REAL uncomfortable if you were not exaggerating at all - if he REALLY throws a fit and cries anytime she comes near him. YOU HAVE GOT TO FIND OUT WHY!?

I was molested as a child, so I am probably hyper sensitive on the subject I ADMIT that - your fiance is most likely NO ONE THAT WOULD EVER DO THAT -
Please though keep in mind that IS WHAT EVERYONE BELIEVES OF THOSE THEY LOVE. Sometimes unfortunately people are wrong - there are sick people in the world. There are sadly parents who will do those things to THEIR OWN children.

If your son is sending you SUCH A CLEAR AND LOUD MSG that he is uncomfortable about a person. Please please, put him first and listen. I'm not saying to get rid of your fiance - not at all. But find out why he so doesn't want him near him, and don't force your son to be naked and wet in front of someone he doesn't want touching him - send him a MSG NOW that daddy will ALWAYS ALWAYS listen and support him - anything that makes him sad or uncomfortable - that he can tell or show daddy and he will always do his very best to fix it or try to help.

I wish you both all the luck in the world, again - I'm sure it's probably just a security issue or a "missing mommy" thing I certainly hope that is the case and that your son is quickly able to accept the love his soon to be step-mom wants to give him.

Answer 2

I'm a parent myself (3 kids) and totally feel your frustration!!! I can also see how much you love your son. 3 year olds can be very manipulative, and they LOVE seeing their parents react! Take a big step back, inside yourself. You cannot MAKE your 3 year old like your fiancee. Reassure your son of your love for him. When he is acting out, tell him as calmly as possible that his behaviour is NOT okay. Maybe you and your fiancee need to take some of the emotional focus off him, and maybe stop trying so hard??! I suspect that with time, he will relax and will enjoy his future step-mum. Kids don't like change, and they don't like it when newcomers threaten their time with their parent. When my spouse and I separated, my little ones really acted out, and it was very hard, very draining emotionally. I tried to keep everything in their own little world the same, schedules, daycare, bed time routines, etc. And with time, everything has really settled down. Sometimes kids go through these AWFUL periods, where you just want to tear out your hair. But they and you will get through it. It sounds to me like you are a loving and committed dad - both your fiance and your son are lucky to have you. It will be okay! Good luck!

Answer 3

Something is VERY wrong! Is your son left alone with your fiance? Because it sounds like there's some serious abuse going on. When I was a kid, my mother would be sweet as cake whenever someone else was around. But as soon as she was alone with us, well, did you ever see the movie Mommy Dearest? You really need to look into this. It's not normal for a child to cry themselves into unconsciousness!

Answer 4

It sounds like he has seperation anxiety with you.

You can't MAKE him bond with her. You can try to get them to spend more time together, but bonding will take time.

You need to understand that crying is his way of telling you that something is wrong or that he is comfortable with the situation and wants something--your attention, something to eat, etc.

Don't discourage crying though. It's natural. Talk to your doctor about the tantrums and then turning blue--that's not healthy. She could also give you some tips.

Answer 5

It sound like she did something to him and the bad experience stuck with him.It may have been a slap on the hand,but it made an impact on him.A 3 year old is old enough to give you some information.When she is not around talk to him about her,tell him she is very nice and she loves him a lot.If he disagrees,ask him why?Talk to him,you'll be surprise what comes out of his mouth.

Answer 6

think of approximately it, yet another lady is doing what his mom often does for him. This would desire to be distressing for him. He had no selection in the problem. You did no longer point out something approximately his actual mom, and hopefully, she is a loving mom, only like your fiance is making an attempt to be. it would desire to help in case you seek for help out of your well being care expert and take it from there, making specific he's bodily very nicely. If all is nicely seek for help from a counselor or parenting training.

Answer 7

This is my aunty trick....I have a no crying house. If they want to cry they can get out the back corner of the yard and when they are over it they can come in and speak and tell me what they want. If I was your fiancee I would just sort of back off and let him come to me and he will - trust me! Let her sit down to watch his favorite dvd first - he will soon be there. Let her be eating ice cream he will soon want some. 3 year olds will play you both so play him.

Answer 8

i would suggest yourt fiance getting some kind of toy that you know that your son will enjoy and have her sit next to him and play with the toy. but for her not to pay him alot of attention once your child is very interested in the toy have her give it to him have her do things like that with alot of things like food and things like that but have her not try to force him into liking her he has to gain a bond with her and he is going to do that on his own not by force or control. this might work for you it worked for a friend of my whos own baby chose me over her so good luck with that

Answer 9

I think that your son knows that the woman that you are with now isn't his biological mother a child knows a mothers touch but all he needs is to get use to your fiance like tell her to do motherly activities with him.

Answer 10

Spend time with both of them together and make sure you're both closely associating with him during fun activities so he can begin to associate her with happy events.