I think I'm afraid of guys. Help?

Question

I'm 19 years old, i've never been kissed or had a boyfriend. I consider myslef nice looking, not ugly. My father killed himself when i was eight and i only have sisters and never had any male relatives around. But whenever i get close to a guy, i get really nasty, the moment i learn that they might remotely have feelings for them i get nervous and start being mean to them. I'm rarely mean to people if i have nothing against them. But when a guy comes up to me i just really want to get away from them. I don't mean to whine but it sucks because i ruin a lot of good friendships and i know they are great guys. But say i'm at a club and a guy wants to dance, i'll run. If the guy's gay, i'll dance my *** off. Is there something wrong with me? Am i just still too young or just acting like it?

Thanks for the help and support. I have considered the fact that i might be a lesbian, but i assure you that i am defiantely not gay. Also, my sister's are gorgeous and always get guys, i'm the youngest, how does that happen?

Answer 1

Oh wow, those people who suggested that you might be gay are totally off base. First of all, I have a similar problem to you except I am not mean to guys when I find out they are interested in me. Instead, I just act really nervous and scare them away. Good thing I have read lots of books about this to help you.

I also believe that your Dad's suicide plays a small role in the way you act now. I think his loss made you lose a piece of yourself as a kid so growing up, you never developed a sense of self. Because of that, you have low self esteem so whenever someone tries to get close to you, you push them away because it's not that you don't like them, it's that you don't like yourself.

You mentioned that you are the youngest and that your sisters never have trouble getting dates. This is very typical. Because you were the youngest, you were babied, protected, and more sheltered than your sisters. People always came to you as a kid so you never had to develop as good of social skills as your sisters. Also, since your sisters are older, they probably gained a sense of self by being more independent and having purpose in their lives (taking care of you). My suggestion to you would be to figure out what you enjoy doing. Take up a new hobby or volunteer your time to some organization where you can feel good contributing to society. This will help you gain an identity and learn to love yourself and it'll help you put your guard down. Good luck and just so you know, there is nothing wrong with you and once you start believing that, you'll have no more problems in terms of relationships.

I also want to mention that I can really relate to you because I always thought something was wrong with me because I never had a boyfriend. Well it turns out that it was ME who was causing that problem. I had really low self esteem so I figured if a guy liked me, there must be something wrong with him. In fact, I got asked to prom by 2 guys, but I said no to both of them and didn't go to prom because I thought I wasn't good enough to be someone's date. It wasn't until this summer that I took up a new hobby and started volunteering and learned to like myself because they gave my life meaning and I didn't feel like such a waste of a person. And now that I'm in college, it's been so much easier to talk to guys because I'm happier with myself and I've made some new guy friends. The best thing though is that I'm learning to like myself more and more everyday and eventually, I know that I'll learn to like myself enough to be with another person and like them as much as they deserved to be liked. And I hope you can too!

Answer 2

It's just an issue. But if it makes you really uncomfortable, you should perhaps get some counseling.

I have the same problem around women, except the whole "virgin, never kissed before" part.

Usually, when I'm around a chicky I start having feelings for, I pull back really quickly.

It might stem from your father's passing. The connection as your male influence was ripped from you so suddenly, so subconciously, you might be protecting yourself from loss. And perhaps other men in your life reminds you of those same feelings and bonds. Difficult to tell.

Give it some time, and just be yourself. You'll be okay. I'm sure you're a sweet gal, and someday there's gonna be some sweet guy who just won't leave you alone, no matter how mean you are. And maybe that's going to help you break down those walls.

Answer 3

It sounds like you need counseling. Dating is hard enough without the extra baggage of early childhood trauma rearing it's ugly head. If you have that strong of a reaction than I seriously doubt that anyone will be able to give you a cut and dry answer that will work.

Answer 4

This is definately because of what happend to you when your father died. Just try to remember when your talkign to guys, that not all guys are like your father. Just try your best and try to talk with some and make some male friends. That is the best way I can help you.

Answer 5

No - just sounds like you have never had oppotunity to relate to males since have not had much contact.

Am sorry to hear of your dads' passing away.

Something inside may be convincing you that since you were not "worthy" of his staying - you are not worthy of men.

The mind can play weird tricks on us!

Am sure you have lots to offer.

Just try finding a guy you have common interest with.
Do not expect too much to start.
Find opportunity to be in similar groups of interest; begin and stay in conversation on variety of topics.......
should something else develop - it will -- if not, then you have gained your first guyfriend and are on your way!

Best wishes!

Answer 6

sooo... im 18 and i also have never been kissed and never had a boyfriend. im not reallyscared of guys, but just get nervous around them. once i start getting close to them, i also start pulling myself away from them.

maybe it has something to do with your dad. just try your hardest to be nice to them. it sucks never having been kissed and being our age. try talking to them online or something and see if you nicer to them. just don't let yourself be mean, and if you are mean just do it jokingly, like hit them lightly so they know your joking. i have a couple guy friends that im mean to and they're mean to me, but we just joke about it all the time and are really good friends at the same time. good luck. im going through some of the same troubles.

Answer 7

It seems to me that you just dnt have any expierence with guys
maybe you are afriad of commitment or maybe you are afraid of getting hurt
jsut give boys a chanse, theres a few good ones
jsut make friends with guys, just friends and get cmfrtable with them and over time you willprobably adjust to boys
and then be mroe open to relationships

Answer 8

you have an urge for guys in your psucholgy and hence you are afraind that might be you will not be able to control yourself if u come in contact with guy.. this is a psychological problem u should go for meditaion othrewise there would be onetime that u will become so attached with a guy that u will be ready to fight with the whole world an in that moment you will go bersk

Answer 9

It's ok. Maybe you are just subconciously waiting for the right one. Maybe you are subconciously scared. :) Do not worry, you will find happiness one day. You do not have to worry.
A friend of mine told me this..."To love is to let go". Perhaps think about that...

Answer 10

I THINK YOU FEEL SAFER WITH THE GAY GUYS KNOWING THAT THEY WON'T HURT YOU. I THINK YOU'LL BE FINE WHEN YOU FIND THE RIGHT GUY. THERE ARE SOME NICE GUYS OUT THERE ALONG WITH ALL OF THE REST WHO ONLY WANT ONE THING.