what are some funny jokes?

Question

funny

Answer 1

dang that was long and not even funny. all I was going say was knock knock

Answer 2

The Main Bet At The Bar

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of
shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A
few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot
of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender, "I'd
like to make a bet with you." The bartender replies, "Sure I'm in a
betting mood."

So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can "relieve himself" in
the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and
not spill a drop. The bartender says, "I'll take that bet."

So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot
glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts "relieving
himself". He doesn't even get a drop in. He goes all over the place.
In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything.

After he was done, the bartender laughed and said, "You owe me
$1,000." The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The
bartender asked, "How come you're so happy?" The man replied, "You see
those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each
that I could "relieve myself" all over your bar and you'd laugh about
it."

Answer 3

Just in case you missed it, March 14 was the anniversary of Albert
Einstein's birthday. He would have been 107. Few people remember that the
Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first
marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa
because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to
women with large breasts the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA
connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

So there... now you know!

Answer 4

George Bush Quotes!!!



"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position."
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself."
"The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case."
"If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura."


They misunderestimated me.
- US President George W. Bush (November 6, 2000 in Bentonville, Arkansas)
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
- US President George W. Bush (August 5, 2004)
You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
- US President George W. Bush (2000?)
Reading is the basics for all learning.
- US President George W. Bush (Discussing his "Reading First" plan in Reston, Virginia, March 28, 2000)
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
- US President George W. Bush (January 11, 2000)
My views are one that speaks to freedom.
- US President George W. Bush (in Washington, D.C. on Jan. 29, 2004)
And it's a struggle between good and it's a struggle between evil.
- US President George W. Bush in a speech (on terrorism) to the Cattle Industry Annual Convention and Trade Show at the Denver Convention Center (February 8, 2002)
We cannot let terrorists hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.
- US President George W. Bush (2000 in Des Moines, Iowa)
Our nation must come together to unite.
- US President George W. Bush (June 4, 2001)
If you choose to do so, when Iraq is liberated, you will be treated, tried and persecuted as a war criminal.
- US President George W. Bush (In St. Louis on January 22, 2003, he likely meant 'prosecuted.' Just for the record Bill O'reilly made the same mistake on his TV show The O'reilly Factor in August 2004)
Will the highways on the Internet become more few?
- US President George W. Bush (Concord, New Hampshire, January 29, 2000)
If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!
- US President George W. Bush (November 2, 2000 at Bellevue Community College)
I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.
- US President George W. Bush (September 29, 2000 in Saginaw, Michigan)
I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family
- US President George W. Bush (January 27, 2000 in New Hampshire)
This very week in 1989, there were protests in East Berlin and in Leipzig. By the end of that year, every communist dictatorship in Central America had collapsed.
- US President George W. Bush (November 6, 2003 in Washington, D.C.)
Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.
- US President George W. Bush (October 2000)
I think we agree, the past is over.
- US President George W. Bush (May 10, 2000)

Answer 5

a blonde is on her way to work one day when she passes a shop and notices a shinny object in the window.
she goes in and asks the clerk what it is.

"its a thermos"
"What does it do?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

SO she buys it and goes on to work.
a little while later her boss another blonde walks by and notices the thermos.

"What is it?"
"Its a thermos"
"What does it do?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
"What do you have in it?"
'Two cups of cofee and a popsicle"