Background Info: My bf and I've been together for 2 years. I'm nearly 17, he's 16. We're both good students w/ above 4.0s. I have had 2 bf's before him, one for 6 days, one for 2.5 months. Before me, he's had 2ish gf's, one for a few weeks, one for 5 months.
Anyway, he says passive aggressive comments (more often than he realizes) that suggest I've cheated on him. I never have, never will. Sometimes he says he was joking, other times he'll say it's not a big deal. i know it bothers him a lot though.
I will explain a lot more in my comments.
Basically, I want to know what to do when he says something like "So how are your other lovers?" (with an angry look in his eye). My thought was that I'd "close my legs to him until he could believe i have the power to keep them closed to anybody" He thought this a bad idea (technically, we haven't had sex yet, but we do stuff a lot and have good chemistry). Any ideas on how to build trust? Any thoughts? Guys?
2006-11-14 10:26:18 · 12 answers · asked by Sami 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
reasons y he might be insecure:
1 his last gf cheated on him. he's over it, but maybe scars?
2 i've labeled myself as "bi" before (now i'm "not sure").
3. we've had trust issues ever since i broke up with him last April. i didn't know exactly y i did it then, but now i know it was b/c i was depressed. My growing apathy led me to break away from everyone and everything i cared about. i was in pain, and i just wanted to escape from everything. It didn't work, and after i got back on my feet, we got back together (after 3 weeksish). Wanting to be honest, i told him about a crush i'd had on an older guy right before we broke up. i got over that guy really fast, it was nothing. we're not friends anymore (coincidence).
4 he recently (month ago?) told me about a girl he liked, but later said he got over her as soon as he told me. I believe him, though i admit once in awhile i get insecure and will say something if he asks more than once, "what's wrong". they're still friends idc
2006-11-14 10:40:50 · update #1
Ahh I'm occasionally insecure about this kinda stuff too and what my girlfriend does really helps and makes me feel better. She takes me aside, looks in my eyes, and explains how everything is all right, and that nothing happened, and that she loves me, and kisses me. Make sure you're truthful though that's the best way to build trust. One lie can ruin all the trust someone had in you. Don't jump to sex as a way for him to trust you, of course it's a good way to show you love him, but it's not always the best option in these kinds of situations. Just be truthful with him always, and love him with all your heart and things should work out =).
hope this helped and good luck =)
2006-11-14 10:32:48 · answer #1 · answered by soccerwarrior00 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. Um, you're only 17, which does't mean you're immature, but have'nt heard a lot of good advice yet. Your idea about not getting physical is a good idea. Guys that tell you they don't trust you for no reason are dangerous and insecure. No matter what you tell him, he will never believe you. He will eventually get jealous when you want to hang just with your girls and accuse you of wanting to see another guy. You don't want a controlling jerk for a boyfriend! You want someone you can spend time laughing and sharing your life and fun with, not spending all your time defending everything you do, or didn't do.
Tell him you can't date someone anymore who doesn't trust you. Believe me...there's better guys out there and don't worry if it takes time sorting through the bad to get to the good. PS. he's probably the one cheating on you...it makes him feel better to accuse you instead of admitting he's the real unfaithful one!
2006-11-14 10:36:53 · answer #2 · answered by jt_eradicator 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girl, get out of that relationship while you're still young and you still have some sense of self. These things ALWAYS get worse.
There's nothing worse than an insecure man. He'll start to manipulate you and try to make you pay for his lack of self esteem. If you're not careful you'll begin to believe that you are to blame. Situations like this that begin to be verbally and emotionally abusive usually become physically abusive.
I know that two years seems like a long time at your age, but trust me, it is just a twinkle in time. Leave him alone. Hindsight is 20/20 and one day you'll look back and be glad you did.
2006-11-14 10:36:10 · answer #3 · answered by Bean 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The next time he makes one of his 'passive agressive' comments let him know that you wouldn't be with him if you wanted other guys. And add that if his opinion of you is so low then you don't need to be with him b/c he is supposed to boast your well being and happiness~ not the opposite. Sounds like he is either insecure because you are better looking then him or he has unresolved issues. Either way, I'd be firm about this being unacceptable, otherwise it will never end. Just remember~ if you don't respect yourself then no one will respect you either.
2006-11-14 10:40:30 · answer #4 · answered by d☻min☺ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, I'm not a guy, but i can tell you from experience that the "jealous type" are hard to change. You might be better off finding a new guy that isn't so insecure.
But if you really like this one, then talk to him. Tell him those comments offend you and hurt your feelings, and he needs to stop making them. If he doesn't then you'll know that he doesn't care about your feelings---move on.
2006-11-14 10:31:26 · answer #5 · answered by BeccaBoo 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first, if you 'close the candy store' to say, he'll think right away that you're getting it some where else...
i would ask him what it would take for him to trust you... it sounds like he has some major trust issues, and it's not your problem, it's his.
confront him about it...
one other thing to think on, those people that are most likly to cheat on a partner, accuse their partner's of cheating too...
he might be looking for an 'out' to the relationship...
2006-11-14 10:31:22 · answer #6 · answered by Junior1544 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am having similar issues, and they say girls are the insecure ones! Just try and reasure him all you can, but unless its unfounded that shouldnt excuse his lack of trust. Give it time he may come round.
2006-11-14 10:32:16 · answer #7 · answered by jesssmuse 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he says how are your other lovers again just say how's the LITTLE guy below. If he wants to assume stuff then tell him he making an *** out of himself. Tell him if doesnt start trustin you then its' not ment to be.
2006-11-14 10:31:10 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should casually--but not harshly--tell him to get over it when he acts insecure. Tough love, go with that. Trust me. I had a girlfriend just like that.
2006-11-14 10:30:11 · answer #9 · answered by jazzmetalbassist 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
try talkin 2 him wen he says stuff like tht just b like "k this has 2 stop its botherin me say stuff lik tht i like u alot but it makes me sad wen u do this our relationship should b based on trust" just stuff lik tht hopefully he'll understand and u nevr kno he might hav gotten those ideas from his friends
2006-11-14 10:34:45 · answer #10 · answered by lovelylady7950 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋