For years, my mom has been very controlling and mean to me. I am now 24 years old and she is still so mean, controlling and paranoid. I have no friends and no life because of her. I litterally support her by us living together. I am able to afford my own place but she cant. She is on disability and is able to pay her half of the rent and some bills, but I pay for the majority of it all. Hell, most of the furniture is mine. I just want to get away from her so badly...but my lease does not expire until next year in July. What can I do?
2006-11-14 07:45:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
she is on disability because of her back- she cant stand or sit for too long- she can work pattime and she does- but it does not pay that well. I bring in the majority of the income.
2006-11-14 07:49:58 · update #1
well i feel for u. are there any other siblings in your life? if so give them some responsability. if not u need to put boundries on your life, just be stright foward w/mom. also u need some alone time for yourself u need to go to the movies or whatever u think will be good for u. u know try going to church. this really will help. pray on this
2006-11-14 11:03:59 · answer #1 · answered by dounut 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is so much anger behind your question... the first thing I would ask you is why is your mom on disability? Is it something that is keeping her from EVER working again? Or is it a convenient way to keep you tethered at home? Leases can be broken... or maybe you can talk to your landlord about transferring it to your mom's name. What you have to do is be the grown-up here. Sit mom down and tell her that you are not going to take this treatment anymore. Be an adult about it and tell her that you are planning on moving... without her. If she is SO disabled that she cannot get out and afford to live on her own, then maybe she should look into social security/permanent disability... they offer assisted living homes that will take soc. security payment (check through Medicare/Medicaid) and a stipend amount...
My advice would be for you to act like an adult and have a serious talk with her - find out why you are so angry at her... you say she is controlling and mean... does this mean that she she tells you where to go and what to do? Peacefully, gently let her know that you ARE an adult and that you are an equal in YOUR home that you pay half the rent, own the furniture, and support her. You two are roommates... Do not put up with temper tantrums from her. You can walk away.
Finally - set a deadline - even if it has to be July of next year... at least you'll have something to work towards. My suspicion is that your mom will see that you are serious about your future and will probably stop her antics... but if she doesn't, you are going to have to make good on your word.
Good luck.
2006-11-14 15:55:46 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Can you afford to move out and get your own place, but still pay your half of the rent until July? Your mom can get pretty decent and cheap furniture at a thrift store if she must.
My mom is a nightmare to be around. We didn't talk for almost ten years. She is also on disability. But she takes care of herself. I'll give her that. Your mom needs to be more independent.
Explain to her that you are a grown woman and you need your own space now. Tell her you will help out when and where you can - even physically supporting her if that's what she needs...maybe offer to come over and cook dinner a couple times a week, mow the yard, clean house...whatever would help her. I know how hard it is to walk away even though you know she makes you crazy...she's still your mom.
Stand firm, find a way to make it work, and reassure her she won't be alone. I think that is the biggest fear of a controlling person. That's why they try so hard to control everyone and everything in their world. So noone can leave.
Best of luck! It can be done. I have my own place - I'm in my 30's, but I've lived on my own since I was 17. My mom and I now speak - I have a daughter so it's mostly because of her. But as i get older and hopefully, wiser, I start to see where my mom may have had some serious difficulties in her life. And that makes me more compassionate towards her. I don't excuse her behaviour, but I have more understanding and patience where she is concerned.
I wish for you the strength to stand on your own two feet and do what is right for you! Your mom will be fine.
2006-11-14 15:53:39 · answer #3 · answered by Grá 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
im really sorry to hear.. i'm in a similar situation, but not as bad i guess. =T. my mom is self sufficient, works, goes to church, involved in a few organizations, but not really.... long story short, however, she depends on ME for everything! she's divorced, unhappy, lonely, etc etc..we live w/ my aunt but they don't get along, and they BOTH bug me. they tell me what to do, hate all my friends, hate when i go out, hate when i don't clean, hate when i don't eat, blah blah. i feel so suffocated!
i'd love to move out, but i feel bad cuz i know sh'ed be really depressed w/o me. currently we are not speaking cuz i got extremely angry when she lectured me in front of a friend about coming back at 2:00am one night, when i had told her already we'd be out late, going to L.A. club, etc. (i am 26 YEARS OLD!)
anyways, long story short, perhaps u can try to find a home for disabled people or something, and she can pay half, u pay the rest. u can move in w/ a friend or rent a studio.
or maybe u can just go out, making sure she has food and all that, and get some friends. even if she doesn't like it! if u have to lie, lie! it's so stupid to lie at this age huh? i agree, but hey, if it works. just say u have some work stuff to do, etc. or enroll in some classes, come home late. only have dinner w/ her...something like that.
good luck!!!!
2006-11-14 15:53:00 · answer #4 · answered by sasmallworld 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is there any way you can sublease your apartment? Maybe you can match your mom up with another older lady to live with. Either that, or stop letting your mom control you (easier said than done, my mom is similar). Maybe set up more boundaries between the two of you, or have a social worker visit your mom and help the two of you know what the options are.
2006-11-14 15:48:53 · answer #5 · answered by chemgrad 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can imagine that it is pretty frustrating living in the situation. But, where will your mother go when you move? It is okay to end the living together situation, but you can not just have her in a shelter or on the street. You need to help her get set up with some community service agency that will assist her with housing. But, after the age of 18 or 21, it is your fault that you continue to allow her to control you.
2006-11-14 15:49:36 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Very difficult situation. If you have any siblings it sounds like they need to do their share. Try to hang in until the lease expires but you do need to make your own life and protect yourself from becoming angry and bitter.
2006-11-14 15:56:47 · answer #7 · answered by Vince 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that you intend to move next July because of her attitude. Maybe that will stop her. Just tell her that you don't need her as a parent anymore that you can make your own decisions.
2006-11-14 15:50:47 · answer #8 · answered by darkdiva 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
be patient its your mom, you don't have to sit home all day, go out make friends, and make your life . your mom and her living the same apartment is just an excuse. go and check if this excuse is not your own problem and not hers.
2006-11-14 15:52:48 · answer #9 · answered by mukyon1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should try and find her somewhere where she can live.Dont you have any relatives she can stay with or something.You need to have your own life, im sure you want to have a gf and get married. You just need to find her someone who can help her.*
2006-11-14 15:52:05 · answer #10 · answered by abelssexywifey 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋