Supporting Adult Daughter Living at Home?

Question

My 20 year old daughter lives at home and goes to school full time. We paid for her schooling. She had a full time job but quit to go to school. She has a car (she paid for) and a serious boyfriend. My husband is the bad cop and I'm the good cop. Don't get me wrong, I do talk to her about responsibility. She is either at school, at boyfriend's, or out somewhere. She doesn't do much housework, leaves her sh*t everywhere, basically needs me to push her to do every little thing. I love her very much and want her to do well in school (which she is doing excellent). My husband is not so kind, she thinks he's too hard on her. I get in the middle...even though I try not to. I agree with his points, but I wouldn't convey it so harshly. Her boyfriend stays over all the time or she stays at his parent's. He is like family but I feel that if they want to be together 24/7 that they should move in together and leave us out of it. I also have a 16 year old daughter who always helps out

I was married at 19 and had her by 20. My 16 year old is not a "pefect child". She is a hard *** kind of kid while the 20 year old is sweet and kind. I'm very giving to both and just feel unappreciated sometimes....which goes with being a parent. My main concern is how to have peace in the house, with some cleanliness and order.

Answer 1

So she's a pain is the a***?...So what. She is only 20, she is gonna get on your nerves, and please don't compare her with the 16 yr. old who only wants to please you. that is hurtful to all of you.
I am assuming she isn't on drugs, she's going to school, what is her crime here?...cause she has a boyfriend.????...Remember when you were 20????
Tell the hubster to lighten up and be thankful that she is doing well in school and that she is a good kid, sloppy yeah, but good.
Make a list of what it is you expect for her to do to be a member of the household, put it on the fridge, and tell her that these are your expectations of her, if they are realistic, she'll comply I bet.
20 isn't easy, remember?...you are not a kid, not an adult, you just sort of are. Please support her and encourage her schooling and good grades. she sounds okay to me, lazy around home maybe, but with miss 16 year old perfect sibbling, what do you expect?...She can't compete with that...
good luck, never easy. my daughter and I didn't speak for a year for the very reasons you have brought up, I would give my limbs to have that year back and I am the one who blew it, not her. have patience, she will love you for it...

Answer 2

You need to set ground rules for your daughter ASAP. If you have a 16 yr old at home she should keep her nighttime activities out of your house! If you are going to pay for her school she should keep her crud in her own room. She should also do her own laundry and help around the house. Really, you are paying major $ for her school it is the least she could do. If she doesn't want to follow the house rules then she should find another way to pay for school and somewhere else to live. I know it sounds harsh, but she is over the age of 18 and you are being more than kind with supporting her and paying for school. Have a family conference and work this out before someone blows a gasket and you have world war 3 on your hands!!

Answer 3

If she is living at your house (regardless of whether she is doing well in school or not) she should be at the very least cleaning up after herself. A little tough love would go a long way! If the younger daughter can help out why can't she? If she can't then she should be looking for other accomodations. That is not harsh-that is reality!

Answer 4

i'm shocked which you would be able to placed up this form of hapless question. provide your daughter some very sparkling possibilities: one million. Marry the boyfriend and pass in with him, in that order. Get on his coverage in view that he has a job, and get the toddler signed up for that coverage, too. OR 2. Have the toddler observed so the newborn can stay in a 2-parent residing house the place he/she is wanted, enjoyed, and the place there is economic stability and help. in the adventure that your daughter declines the two of those, permit her be attentive to the time has come to bypass on and be in charge for her very own judgements. you may act like the grownup now. it is unfair to the newborn, and to our society as an entire, to have this newborn with out the opportunity of helping it. sturdy success!

Answer 5

Personally, chldren living under their parents roof have no business having their boyfriend spent the night. Not the best example that you are setting for your younger daughter.

Your older daughter is enjoying her freetime and you are letting her get away with it.

Your husband is right and you need to put your foot down and get that child contributing around the house or find somewhere else to live.

Answer 6

I believe that it is every kind of you for what you are doing for your daughter, though you don't have to. I would do the same for my daughter.
Throughout life there are aways rewards and consequences for the actions or decisions you make. This being said I would set fair expectations with consequences if the items are not met for example: If she does the family laundry you will continue to pay for her gas and car insurance (since she doesn't have a job, I am assuming you are paying for this). Involve her boyfriend, such as if he cuts the grass you will reward him with a good supper or attend a family event (believe it or not but your family is part of his dating your daughter and he will want to be closer to all of you). Let your daughter know that she and her boyfriend at young adults and that if they were to be on their own that she would want to see him take care of her and he would want to take care of him as far as responsibilities are concerned.
Keep paying for her school and don't use this as a negotiating tool but only as a last resort.

Answer 7

You need to give your daughter boundaries. It is still your home that she lives under and must abide by your rules. You need to stop going against your husband and have a united front. You can still pay for her to go to school and she can move out and get a job and start living in the real world....

Answer 8

I think you and you husband need to sit down and come up with a plan that you both can agree on, Your daughter is getting mixed messages, her dad says one thing and then you come along and try to smooth every thing over, it isn't any wonder she is doing what she wants, you two can not get your act together to make it plain what exactly you expect from her

Answer 9

Set some ground rules for her. Since she still lives with you, she has to follow your rules and should do her part in keeping the house clean. If she doesn't like it, start charging her rent or tell her to get a place of her own.

Answer 10

I am not sure what the question is. Generally though, if she is making good grades and is in school full time, I would be more lenient, but i would also tell her she has to clean her own room, do her own laundry and do some chores.