relationships and kids?

Question

I have been with my bf for almost 5 years. I have 2 kids from my ex husband. My boyfriend recently moved in almost 2 months ago. Rules at home have changed for my boys for the better. My bf keeps on top of them so they dont get out of hand. He punishes them for telling lies and doing bad in school. Which I agree. I sometimes get torn because I know he is doing the right thing but it hurts me to see my 7 and 9 yr old getting punished and crying. He doesnt hit them. I just need some great words to get me thru today.

For the comments about me taking responsibility and do my job... I am doing my job to the fullest. What you fail to understand is that when you have a man in your life that you are gonna have a future with he needs to be part of decisions in the household which include the kids. He has to have some say if he is gonna be the step dad. I do not put it on other people. If you dont know the entire situation dont comment. My kids are well taken care of. I work my a@& off for them to go to private school. I pay for it on my own no help from their dad. They live in a nice house in a nice area and have everything they need and more. You can say I spoil them. Yes I do! I was a spoiled child and never lacked anything. So before you bad mouth me you need to recognize. I just wanted answers or comments from people with the same issues and get views from others.

Answer 1

It is hard to see them punished by someone who is not you period. I totally understand I have same situation myself before. If you know he loves them then just step out the room when he is taking care of business and as you see them grow into structured young men you will see it was a good thing. He cares so he is helping them be better people think of it that way hon' k. Smile and have a better day sweetie.

Answer 2

-never damage a child's self esteem
-he is living with a woman he is not married to, he has no morals, what right does he have to say a word to them
-in every state if a woman lives in an 'unwholesome environment' defined as having a member of the opposite sex be overnight under the same roof as the kids... that is grounds for the non custodial parent to challenge the custody in court
-if we want to overlook the fact you arent married for a second and assume you will marry soon .... the role of STEP PARENT is to back up the mother.... not BE the disciplinarian
-he hasnt been around, and they will resent it eventually. he should be kind and respectful to them at all times, even when they are naughty... when they are naughty they need love the most.
- any time a kid misbehaves, the parent must look for THEIR responsibility in the misbehavior.... kid wrote on walls with crayons... why werent the crayons put up (be glad it wasnt scissors and a bad accident that someones eye was put out or worse) where was the supervision....

Kindness and love and patience is what these kids need.
Their happy childhood is more important that your relationship with this guy.

If he was out making 50 thousand bucks a year he wouldnt have time to be making your kids cry.
Hopefully his education and daily habits are such that set a good example to the boys.
I hope he plays ball with them and gets them outside in the yard every day. I hope he takes them places as a family to enlighten them and expose them to opportunities and see the beauty in the world.
I hope he has a regular exercise regimen that includes them.
I hope that he has plans to take them to Disney World and camping.. fishing, etc.
If he doesnt do these things.... he has no right to say squat to those boys.
A good dad does not make the babies cry.
I repeat since it is so important....
THE MAIN ROLE OF DAD IS TO SHOW THE KIDS HOW A MAN IS TO TREAT MOM... WITH RESPECT.

Treat those kids with respect, that's what you expect from them is respect.
By disrespecting the KIDS.. he is disrespecting YOU.

Set a good example.

YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART THAT IT IS WRONG OR YOU WOULDNT BE IN HERE ASKING ABOUT IT-
if you feel this way, imagine for a moment how your KIDS feel about it.....
if he is making them cry now and you LET him... he will be wanting to spank next and then you will be sad, if you are any kind of mother at all, and i think you are, because as i said... you are questioning his behavior.

Also dont be shocked when their behavior gets worse... negativeness breeds hostility, and they will rebel, it is human nature.
Kindness and respect is the only decent way to parent.

Remember that you may have ten other boyfriends before it's over, but those will always be your babies.. put them first.

Never damage their self esteem. Always say I just know you'll do better, smile, have great expectations for them and they will respect you for it.


The guy you are with already doesnt respect you for allowing him to act like that, I guarantee it.


If my ex heard from my kid that a b/f was mean enough to draw tears and make them cry, i GUARANTEE my ex would go to jail for making the guy cry, but then it wouldnt be an issue because I wouldnt allow it in the first place.
I hope you aren't offended, I just want whats best for your children which is and will always be what is best for you also.
Mothers job is to protect her babies from harm.
If you love him more than them, let them go live with their dad, and you can spend all day every day sucking up to your lovely boyfriend.

My mom had a boyfriend when i was nine who said he was going to spank me... I said hold on a sec let me call and see if that's legal.... i picked up phone, called police station and said "Hey, my mom's b/f said he wants to put his hands or some device I'm not sure which.... on my butt and cause me pain... Is it legal for him to spank me or can I have him arrested for that?"

Of course he never laid a hand on me.

Your b/f is LUCKY that your kids are spineless.... but they won't stay that way. You'll see. Kids are resiliant and they will bounce back and eventually if you dont put a stop to in, you'll have world war three in your house and that spineless coward who is living with you but not married to you will be on his way down the raod and youll be left ALONE with 2 angry kids to deal with who will NOT respect you for letting HIM disrespect THEM.

Put yourself in THEIR shoes a minute.

Answer 3

I have a 13 y/o and a 16y/o. I met my now husband 4 years ago, when my kids were 9 and 11. I am the total disciplinary in the house. He stands behind me in what ever I say. The kids know that he is "the other adult" in the house, and they have to obey what he says, as well as what I say. It's my job as their mother to lay down the house rules, and hand out punishment when necessary. Your "boyfriend" should be known to your children as "the other adult in the house" but not as the disciplinary. He shouldn't be the one to "discipline" your children, that is YOUR responsibility. Having him be responsible for discipline could cause some rebellion, and resentment with your children. It can be a real touchy situation sometimes. I'm certainly not telling you how to raise your children, nor how to run your household. I'm just stating an opinion. Hope it helps! Good luck!

Answer 4

You said yourself that things have changed for the better. As long as he's not being too hard on the kids then I don't see the problem. Kids need to know it's not ok to lie and that they should do good in school. If you are uncomfortable with him punishing the kids then maybe you should take over.

Think about this.....we have custody of my husband's nephews. When they do something and I punish them for it they only cry if my husband is around, because they know he will feel sorry for them and let them off. Is this why your boys are crying?

Answer 5

You should not allow a "boyfriend" to move in with you and your children. Bad example for your boys. You are the parent. Step up and address the behavior and school issues. This isn't a job for your boyfriend. It is the job of the PARENTS= YOU AND THE FATHER.
Great words are not what you need. You need to take responsibility for the proper raising of YOUR children. Don't put the responsibility on anyone else.

Answer 6

Punishment is not fun. That doesn't mean it doesn't need done though. Boys, especially, need a male role model to guide them and keep them in line.

As long as you agree with your boyfriend and agree with his methods I would say it is okay.

The only thing I would be concerned about is that your boys may be a bit confused and upset that he all of a sudden gets to discipline now that he has moved in. I would definitely stay very plugged in with them and make sure you know their thoughts and feelings on everything. Kids don't listen to people they don't respect.

I hope you 2 are talking about the discipline before it happens. That is key.

Answer 7

7 & 9 are a little toooooo old to cry for getting verbally punished!! They are trying to make you take sides. Sounds like you got a good guy there and he really cares for the boys - you even said they are doing better. Sit down with them and tell them to knock off the crying crap and own up to their punishments. If they don't like it -- stop lying and doing bad in school.

Answer 8

OMG. I am all for enforcing consequences, but NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER by a step parent, let alone a BOYFRIEND!

You should not be entering in a relationship with anyone while you have children. they are your mine and only responsibility. My advise, leave him. Make it on your own. Just you and your kids. They will have more respect for you in the long run.

FYI if your boyfriend continues punishing them, they will in the end wind up resenting the both of you. Kids need consequences, and they should be enforced by real parents, not stand in's (another FYI, anyone you hook up with or marry is still a stand in)

Answer 9

I will tell that my mom had the same situation like you.I was 4 and my brother 5, when my mother divorse my father and married another man, which i love and respect, and I call him dad, but now I am 29 and still cant forgive my mother that she let that man punish me and my brother, I really have that inside.
P.S. When my mother and stepfather had another child, my brother, he never punished him, but was contineuing to punishing us, stepchildren.

Answer 10

Sounds like your bf is being a responsible adult and took on the role of parent to help make things easier for you. He obviously loves you.