Mother problems. Ok, I have been on here before to ask about how to deal with my mother. Here is the latest?

Question

Last week, I sent my daughter to go visit with my father and step-mother for the week. My mother and stepfather had wanted to see her that weekend & I forgot to tell them until the last minute that it would not be a possibilty. My mother hit the roof. She screamed & hung up on me. My stepfather called me back to tell me what a crappy person I was for not telling them sooner. In reality, the issue is my mom does not like it when my daughter spends time with my dad. A few days later, my mother sent me an email. She told me that I was deliberately trying to hurt her & that I was a selfish person for doing it. She said that if I ever need them to help me with watching my daughter that it had to be on her terms. That I would have to call her so many days in advance & drive the 120 miles roundtrip to do it. I said to myself this is not worth the energy, so I ignored the email. My stepdad called me this morning all upset because I had not done what she said to do. How do I deal?

I did apologize for the inconvience of waiting until the last minute. As I told them, it was just an accident, but my mother is convinced that I did it to deliberately hurt her. I tried to tell her that I was sorry and would make it up to them, but she would hear none of it.

Also, I do no have a husband to help me deal. We are divorced and he left the picture. I am a single mom.

Answer 1

Hey...YOu are the mommy now. Apparently your mothers hatred or bitterness for your dad is greater than her maturity level or her love for your daughter, her grandchild. I think ignoring her obnoxious email was a very grown up thing to do. I have had problems with my mom too and still do, and I am 50!!!!! She obviously has forgotten how friggin complicated and busy it is to have children.
Some suggestions:.tell her that the visits are on her grandchilds terms and schedules and you can't reaarange your life or your daughters to accomidate her and your step fathers schedules. tell her that you won't take any more angry calls from her about things that are not in your control. tell her to get a grip on her problems with your dad and stop fighting the battle that is clearly over. GET CALLER I.D....it is worth the money...trust me...do not take her calls for a while...email her, get it all off your chest and then mark her and your step fathers mail as spam..and don't even let them email you. Your step father may be trying to make peace or just trying to live with the mrs. bitter, or maybe just sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong.
She is acting like a spoiled child. Does she drink?....it sounds like she does...seriously. She isn't really angry at you, sounds like there are other problems there.
I know how really hard it is to deal with a bitter, critical angry mother, believe me I do. You are the one who is left feeling guilty and she will never change at this point so stop hoping for that one. Chances are her mother wasn't very nice to her either, she probably can't do any better but that doesn't mean you have to continue to be the brunt of her bitterness. I am also concerned she may say things to your daughter that are, at the very least, unflattering to you.
GRRRRRRRRRRR....I could go on forever because this one hits home.
It is really hard to over-come mommy dearest till you understand, completely and totally, this is not your problem, it's hers.
YOu don't want to reapeat her mistakes with your own daughter, stay away for a while, take your power. YOu are the one with the power, believe it or not. I know it doesn't feel that way but you are. Try not to let her bug you or come into your thoughts right now and DON'T FEEL GUILTY.....your guilt is what she is counting on. I have a 21 year old daughter now and she is strong, she would not put up with that crap from me.
Sorry this is so long, but your lettter hit a cord with me, tell her no more. She may be jealous because your relationship with your daughter is so much better than she could produce with you...she has issues, probably with the whole world but you are the easiest one to take it out on because she thinks your guilt will always keep you around, let her know thats not the case then ignore her, no holidays with her this year, stick to your guns, be strong, educate her. She will either cooperate or continue to be her same miserable self.....good luck, be srong, it's your daughter that matters, god bless.....don't wait till your 50 like me to get it.

Answer 2

Your mother has the issue, not you. Yes, you probably owe her an apology for waiting until the last minute, but that's it. As for your stepdad, well it's really none of his business. I think it's great that you're trying to work out visitation with family. But don't do it at the expense of your life and the life you have with your daughter. That comes first. Let them all know, you will do your best to give them some time, but that you and your daughter come first.

Answer 3

#1. You are an adult. You are your daughters mother. It is ultimately your decision on where she goes, who she visits and who baby sits her.
You don't have to let your mom run your life. I dont know all of the details but it sounds like your mother has control issues and doesnt like it when you dont do what she thinks you should do. My mom is the same way and both my sister and I deal with it by not letting her get us upset. We dont tell her things we know will upset her, we never lie to her, we just avoid telling her "stuff". And if it comes to a point where she is making us crazy we tell simply tell her " I refuse to let you make me feel this way, call me when you have calmed down" then we hang up the phone and don't answer if she immediately calls back. You know that the immediate call back has not given her time to calm down and she will be as irate or even more so than she was when you hung up.
Being consistant with this will teach your mom that she isnt going to be allowed to run your life or upset you and maybe she will start calming down, that or she will leave you alone which is what it sounds like needs to happen for a while.

Answer 4

Wow, she is a control freak! And she makes your step dad do the dirty work, by calling you to make you feel guilty? However you were a little passive/aggressive, by waiting until the last minute to tell them, a bout the weekend visit, you have to consider that they may have plans too. Next time, be more up front with plans and schedules, [are you too afraid to be honest with your mother?], Act like a mature adult, even if she dos not, set a better example for your daughter

Answer 5

My God you're immature! Do you've any of your human being little ones? How dare you criticize that youngster's mom for desiring to have her for Christmas. And it may nicely be as a lot because the youngster. they're the single's that extremely ought to wade through on the palms of their infantile mum and dad. the mum desires to deal right away with the youngster's father, you do not have a canines in this strive against. you should continually first and excellent evaluate the desires of the youngster and how all of this decrease backward and forward drama will impact her. EDIT* i'm a re-married mom of two little ones and a million stepchild. I went by what this woman is speaking about except it replaced into on the daddy. I had to take the severe highway for the sake of my youngster's psychological well-being. Their stepmother replaced into also a meddler, (she had no little ones of her personal on the time) and can want to attempt to make judgements that my ex-husband necessary to make. We get alongside purely high-quality now, besides the undeniable fact that that is broadly speaking because I placed my foot down and determined i does not play thier interest. If the females needed to flow, I made particular they were there. even as they grew to grow to be older and chosen to do different issues, I allowed that to be their determination. terrible how people placed their personal desires in the front of the youngster's desires. I keep in mind that there are court orders, yet as mum and dad try to be able to artwork something out for the youngsters that you presented into the international, not enable a disinterested court device make those judgements for you. placed your self, or imagine your human being little ones in this mess. Does it sound healthful to you? Do you imagine that blaming the mum or whomever will be a very good sufficient excuse for your movements even as the youngsters are all wondered? imagine about it. And no, i'm hardly ever bitter, I purely have a low tolerance for egocentric people!

Answer 6

Tell your mother to grow the f*ck up!!! Your daughter is just that YOUR daughter. She has every right to know and be around both your parents, her grandparents. If your mother has issues with this its her own concern not yours. Tell your step father to stay out of it. That your mother is acting childish and when she has said she was sorry for talking and treating you this way she can come an see her grand daughter again..and SHE can make the round trip!!!

Answer 7

Well hun if that was me and i was in that situation, i would just keep doing what i am doing, you are that little girls mother and u knwo what is best for her, you can't deny her of her father, esspecialy when he wants to be in that girls life..and that stuff with your mom,,HOLY CRAP, it think she needs to grow up, and the hole thing about on HER terms, no hun if you want anyone to have your child it should be on YOUR terms and no one elses..just leave it alone and your mom will realize that she can't boss you around like that anymore...you are a grown woman with your family and you don't have the time or the effort to stress out about that with you mom..

Answer 8

You need to apologize to your mother for forgetting to tell her that your daughter had other plans that weekend. Make a special effort to make plans with your mother and daughter the next time you can. You need to make this right with your mother, she is very hurt right now.

Answer 9

Mothers can be very domineering and as a daughter you might not see it.. my question is maybe your mom has a reason for not wanting your daughter at your dads house. hmm? well if you know for sure there is nothing your mom might know about your dad that you don't, you are gonna have to let your mom know your a grown up and you deserve respect as well as your decisions.. ALSO if you want to avoid arguments with your mom and her butting in your business you might consider not asking her for favors or to babysit

Answer 10

you're only guilty of being too busy which is not a crime last time i checked. they probably just made plans and had to break them or something. it'll blow over hopefully. you don't seem like the vindictive person who uses their kids to get at their parents. it's just family drama. tell them sorry you;re not trying to hurt them deliberately and any accusations of such are proposterous. it's not your fault they're the ones with the issues