What's the nicest way to take care of this?

Question

I am having a problem with a situation and could use some advice.
Let me explain the situation...My mother has been inviting my 7 year old to go places with her on school nights and she does this without talking to me first. So I have to be the bad guy and tell my daughter no not on school nights. Well, there are times that I have let her go because grandma promises to have her home by 7:00 so she can get ready for bed. Now it has gotten to the point where she has started coming home later and later. Then my husband and I have to put up with getting a cranky child ready in the mornings. I have tried to ask mom not to ask my daughter to go places with her before she checks with me first. Of course she gets upset and tells me that she is just trying to be nice and give my husband and I some alone time and also she gets to spend time with her granddaughter. So, what I'm asking is..What's a nice way to tell her that this has to stop??? I will consider all advice that comes along. Thanks!!

Answer 1

It's not as if mom doesn't know better . . .
She knows the what and why of this house rule, perhaps she's leaning a little too hard on her 'GrannyStatus', thinking she can get away with just a little (after all it's very special and wonderful that she's making time for granddaughter). She may not have a clear grasp of just what morning life is like when kiddo doesn't get her sleep.
Think up subsitutions for the weeknight outings (other times, events) and offer these in hearfelt gratitude for her loving attention. You don't need to stress over how to deliver your message (don't you think she knows it's coming, this eventual cessation of schoolnight outings?), nor should you disrespect your mom's position (we moms are all like little goddesses) but address her as the tower of knowledge and love that she is. When you candidly state the simple facts ("she adores her evenings with you, but we pay too high a price in the morning; her teachers can't be too impressed, either"), mom will have her opportunity to respond to the woman she's raised. You're the mom she helped form and I'm betting she'll (SOMEwhere inside) delight to be straightened out (politely, graciously), in evidence of how well she raised you.
Be ready for a surprise: I think there's happiness hiding in this situation. Wishing you Nerves of Steel and the Spirit of Adventure (correcting our moms is a new territory, I have to do it now & then, too. Just be kind.).

Answer 2

School nights are not the best time, but if she's willing to take her places and spend time with her, I would be glad. Some parents don't get any time alone and some grandparents will not do anything with their grandchildren. It seems your mom wants to be involved and be nice, so make a compromise. Your daughter's homework must be done first, her room must be clean first and if grandma insists on her being gone past 7pm, and your daughter is cranky in the morning, then call grandma in the morning and say, "Mom, she is so cranky this morning because you had her out late last night what should I do?" Maybe if you call and wake her up and ask her advice and let her maybe hear your daughter in the background fussing or crying, it will make her realize what you are going through in the mornings after she's had her out all night. After a few days of this, maybe she'll understand. Also, why can't she take her Fri. or Sat. night??!! That is a much better night for all. You've got to be straightforward, even if you hurt her feelings. Thanksgiving is coming up. Ask her to take your daughter Thurs. and Fri. overnight, since there's no school and tell her to do all she has planned because when school starts again, your daughter needs to get back in her routine of going to bed early. Good Luck!!!

Answer 3

I would just tell her NO on school nights. You can come and take her places on the weekend, if you want me and my husband to have some time alone, but not when she has school the next day. Just let her know how much you appreciate her thought and you know she means well, but it is hard to get the child up in the mornings for school. Maybe if the grandmother had to get your child up and ready for school one of the mornings when she has kept her out late, then she will understand what you and your husband go through. Good Luck!!

Answer 4

Did you tell your mother why you don't want your daughter going on trips in the evening on school nights? Or did you just say "Ask me first?"

I'm sure if you explain to your mother that your child is cranky and it is effecting her school work, that she will abide by what you request.

Tell her you appreciate her thinking of you and your husband having alone time and also love that she is spending time with her granddaughter....but not at the expense of her granddaughter suffering the next day.

If she continues after all of that...well...you won't be able to be nice or you just won't have to care if she becomes upset. Tell her that YOU are upset and that YOUR DAUGHTER is upset the next morning when she is too tired to get up for school.

Answer 5

Tell her you really appreciate her taking your daughter out, but it's getting in the way of her being rested enough for school. If she feels the need to see her that often, maybe you could suggest a designated night... like Friday or Sat. She's your daughter, YOU are in charge. If your mother gets her feelings hurt, that's her problem. You can't feel responsible for her feelings, when your parental rights are being infringed upon.
Plus, all this playtime is not doing your daughter any good (if it makes her overtired) and your first responsibility is to her and making her life stable and secure.
I personally wouldn't want my daughter gone without someone telling me they were taking her. It would make me a nervous wreck. I question your mom's relationship with you. Sounds like she thinks she can parent better than you?
Also, you and your husband need some family time with your daughter. That's healthy.
Good luck. Stick to your guns.

Answer 6

Tell her that you would appreciate it a lot more on Friday and Saturday nights but during the week she gets cranky from the lack of sleep. Also tell her it's for your daughter's sake. I think this approach would be less threatening and it will give her something to look forward to on the weekends. Feel so fortunate to have a mother that wants to spend time with her. I lost my mom when I was 16. I envy you.

Answer 7

I would like to go on record and say that there may not be a nice way to resolve this.

Tell the grandmother the aftermath, if you will, of these "visits".

"I know you are trying to be nice by taking [name] out every so often, and I appreciate that. I appreciate the fact that you are trying to give us some alone time, and I understand that you want to be with your granddaughter. I thank you for the effort you have given.
The time you are spending with her is becoming to have a negative impact on her. The time of your return has become later and later as time progresses, and it has become increasingly more difficult to wake her up and prepare her for school. I believe you are trying to help, but at the same time, as you might not have realized, you have made the circumstances worse.
To continue this thread of action would be to put her academic progress in danger, and to knowingly proceed would be to counteract my efforts to keep her in good standing, as far as her grades are concerned. This I will not allow. I understand your position, but if you are going to continue to keep her later and later at night, then something must change, for [name]'s good. If you are willing to take her on Friday after school and return her on Sunday afternoon, at three o'clock, then that will be your time with her. Otherwise, the only days I will allow you to take your granddaughter out would be Friday and Saturday, since Saturday and Sunday aren't school days."

The script above should work for you. Make the necessary adjustments, and speak to her aggresively, yet with due respect.

Answer 8

You're going to have to just sit her down and be firm. You're the mother now. Tell her you will not allow it any longer, and stick by it. You're not trying to be your child's friend, but you are the parent who must look out for her best interest, and going out with granny every night is NOT in her best interst. It can and will affect her schoolwork if she goes in cranky and unrested. Put a stop to the practice now, and don't worry so much about what your daughter thinks. You're the parent, she loves you! (And so will your mother....always! She may even respect you more after you put your foot down, making issues in the future easier to deal with...when you say no, she'll KNOW you mean NO!)

Answer 9

Since it seems that you have already tried talking to you mother, try addressing it to your daughter. Leave the choice up to her. Let her know that if she goes out with grandma and has a hard time getting up in the morning that you are not going to deal with any crankiness. The consequence in hers. She will be the one who is punished for not taking on her responsibilites. She will either realize that getting up for her is hard and she will hopefully start telling her grandma that school nights are not the best time to go out or she will spend a lot of time punished therefore she can't go out with grandma anyway1

Answer 10

Just tell her that the girl is YOUR child and you would prefer that grandma only take her places on weekends. Also, tell her the child has a CURFEW of whatever time, and if the child comes home AFTER that curfew, she is grounded. Grandma won't want the child to be grounded, would she? Tell her that if she wants to spend time with your daughter on school nights, she can come to YOUR house and help her with homework, or spend time with her at home.

Good luck!