Help! Break ups, Cheating, Self Injury, Jealousy? My current boyfriend was in a 7 year relationship before..?

Question

My boyfriend was in a very long relationship before he met me a year later. He dated her for 7 years, she cheated on him, and would have tantrums, verbally abuse him, cut her self and attempt suicide. But she was also his first long term relationship (and love), and from what I gather highly intellegent, somewhat creative, and a lively person. Although he doesn't the full extent of this, I am an unbearably jealous person, and he has even CALLED ME BY HER NAME IN FRONT OF THEIR MUTUAL FRIENDS. To make matters worse, I am much younger (and I suppose, I feel inferior). I can't shake the feeling that he will never get over her, because I think he keeps photos of her around without me knowing, he barely mentions her but I feel like he is hiding something. I care about him, but there is this underlying feeling of distance, and it makes me really sad. When he communicates with her, he doesn't tell me either. PLEASE HELP.

Answer 1

HEY!!!! WAIT JUST A SECOND!!!!
This man was treated like he was a piece of trash, He was used, abused, stomped on, trampled and made to believe that it was all his fault and now you are jealous of her???? No, He is no longer in love with his X. He is still recovering from the way she walked on him. He probably still has nightmares about her. He is thankful to be out of that relationship and probably loves you a lot. He may still be on the rebound and needs to read some books on Codependency. He needs someone that has love for him, not jealousy. If you want a real man that can love you like you have never been loved before, Stay with him and Love him. If you cant control your jealousy, Get out of his life because he needs better. LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS.

Answer 2

Listen good. This is an EXTREMELY delicate position. If it was his first love, he will never be fully over her. But you cant get jealous over that. He is probably feeling more hurt than you are. When someone gets cheated on, it unbelievably hard to get over. I know you're feeling inferior, but no matter your age, he's with you for some reason. Just be careful, you could be his rebound girl.

Also, talk to him. Don't just assume. That could make him feel smothered. If you've already tried talking to him, and he said "let's talk later" or something, don't keep bugging him. Go up to him once more and ask him whats going on. If he, again, tries to say "lets talk later", tell him later isn't okay with you. You need to talk to him NOW. Just try to be understanding with whatever he tells you....and don't flip out on him...he'll say stuff like "this is why I didn't tell you in the first place!" and everything will be a mess.

Hope that helps.

Answer 3

Oh WOW I know exactly what you're going thru...I'm going thru the EXACT same thing with my man...if you really love him, like I really love my man, you just need to put your foot down--say, look, you are with me now, not her...and if you would rather be with her, then go on and go now. And stick to what you said. You must INSIST that he not communicate with her...if they have no children together, there's no reason for them to talk!! At all, ever! And though you are younger, she is the past, you are the present, the here and now, and she is the one who should feel inferior. You must do all you can to stop letting her ruin your relationship. He very well may be a great guy, but if he's hiding stuff, he's not so great! Do some detective work, demand to be informed! Don't let yourself be played for a fool. Number one, BE STRONG! Don't let anyone walk all over you. If he won't be comitted and fully honest and truthful with you, demand that he either do so or LEAVE, GET OUT, BE GONE! Just stand up for yourself, and oh by the way, she's probably not highly intelligent as you said if she tried to kill herself and cuts herself! Sounds pretty twisted to me!

Answer 4

I've been called the ex's name before, too. It SUCKS, like being kicked in the crotch. You need to be open with him and tell him exactly how you feel. He may be over her and genuinely in love with you. But if you can't handle the past, then maybe you need to move on and get yourself together. I know how you feel. I've struggled with those feelings in ALL of my relationships, so I know the problem is in me. Some people have a hard time being happy. Talk it out. Good luck.

Answer 5

Wow, that is really F*cked up, i'm sorry to say. If I were you and I know, I've dated girls like that, RUN away from him. It sounded like you said he took her virginity, she could easily have virgins disease and still be attached to him as he could be with her. Seven years is a long time and espically to break up afterwards. About him not telling you about when he talks to his X and you think he probably has photo's of her thats probably true. If this relationship is bothering you too much, i know its sad, but you need to break up with him and move on. Obviously he still has feelings for her and you don't need your heart broken. There are plenty of Good Guys out there, but they are just hard to find... I hope that helps.

Answer 6

I feel bad for you..
It sounds like and is very possible that he is not over his ex and is still really in love with her.
He probly is being seretive and does not want to admit it over fear of hurting and and him being left alone..
This is not fair to you on his part..
Yu need to confront him and let him know how you feel about all of it, you might need to actually lave him temporarily to get him to be honest with you..
Once the honesty comes out, you can make the decisions that will affect your life and relationship with him..but I wouldnt untill i got the entire truth and the way he feels about his ex to the full extent..
Good Luck and be strong

Answer 7

he may not be ready for another relationship as this does seem counter-productive.the name mistake is a common one and if they usually went out with friends it will just have been a slip of the tongue but if deep down you feel he is not totally with you it may be better for your self-esteem to call it a day,,if he is dating before he is ready it isnt fair on you.talk to him,,just because something is not right doesnt mean it is drastically wrong,,it could just be bad timing and ending it on good terms gives him a reasonable exit without the relationship going sour,,,maybe when he is ready?

Answer 8

time, thats all it takes.

when you love somone its forever, when you break up with somone you loved its important to keep them in your heart as you mmay never find them again.

stroy time, i fell inlove once with a beautiful brunet, with brown eyes adn incredibly smart called caroline. oneday for no reason at all we just had a fight and i left and we never spoke again, we were together for 6 years. i am with somone now been together for 5 years adn my first true love was caroline. i think of her all the time and authough i dont have pictures of her anymore i can still see her face as clear as day when i need her. i love my current girlfriend and she was the same as you when we frist met, time pulled us together adn were going strong now, i dont know what i would do without her.

just show him you love him and be there if he needs you. time will pull you together properly.

if it does go wrong then dont worry about your broken heart just use that to guide you throught your life. remember what you both had and keep a smile in the back of your mind and hope he finds the one he loves again. dont be angry or jelious because you found someone that can love, if you can keep hold of him then you will have a rare thing in he life, somone capable of loving you.

Answer 9

She was a part of his life for a long time.
To "forget" about her is not only stupid, but impossible.
He can get over her, that is if he really wants to. But even if he does, he won't forget about her.
Best is to let it be for a while, if it doesn't get better- CONFRONT him. If he worries about past relationships, he'll cantaminate the one he is in.
If it still doesn't work... LEAVE HIM cause it won't get better and you'll be the one who'll get hurt.

Answer 10

Do you have a reason not to trust him ?, cause otherwise all your suspicions and jeolousy are going to send him running. Give him some time, seven years is alot to get over. With time and a loving girl by his side, he will.